Just minutes after I came back from my lunch break, my boss came up to me and snarled, “So you want to fruit my bread off? HOW DARE YOU! You have 10 minutes to get your stuff out of here before I call the police! YOU’RE FIRED!”
Shocked, I stammered, “But, but how-?”
“I saw your tweet!” My boss glanced at his watch. “You now have 8 minutes before I call the police and have you ARRESTED!” With that my boss stormed off, leaving me shocked at what had just happened. It was just an innocent tweet, that was it, just an innocent tweet. I didn’t even think “I detest this line of work! I vow to fruit my boss’s bread off!” even remotely sounded threatening, otherwise I wouldn’t have posted it. Apparently my boss thought otherwise, considering he’s one of those people born without a sense of humor.
I sat at my desk, immersed in total confusion. I thought my boss once told us to avoid using Twitter at all costs, yet he himself goes there to see tweets from people he follows, including mine. I was trying to sort out this contradiction when my boss came up to my desk again and murmured “Three minutes…” as he walked past.
There I sat, in total disbelief, refusing to believe that I had just lost my job that quickly after having survived three tumultuous years of unemployment. I didn’t want to give up my job without a fight so I decided to resume working on the projects I had in front of me. I was hoping to impress my boss to the point of him changing his mind about letting me go. A few minutes after resuming my work, I looked around cautiously. I had not seen my boss since he snarled his three-minute warning. Maybe he was kidding.
But then, maybe not. I saw my boss again at the entrance to the office, talking to two police officers who had just arrived. Suddenly he pointed at me from across the way. When the two officers saw me, they began walking towards my desk. My eyes widened with terror. I got up and began making my way towards the exit.
“What about your stuff?” my boss yelled.
I ignored him as I opened the front door to step outside.
I heard my boss yell from inside as the door closed behind me, “Your stuff’s going straight to the trash!”
I didn’t care. Better to lose my stuff than to deal with him any further. I hurriedly walked across the parking lot next to the office building and had just reached my car when my boss yelled, “Hey! You forgot to fruit my bread off!”
I stopped in my tracks and turned around slowly to face my former boss. He was standing there in front of the office building.
“Come again?” I shouted back.
“I said, you forgot to fruit my bread off!”
I stood there, staring my boss down as if this were the final showdown in some old western movie. Slowly I walked towards the building where I worked only minutes before.
“You can’t come in here!” my boss yelled as I approached the front door. “You don’t work here anymore!”
I pushed him aside as I ran back inside towards my desk with him in full pursuit. Once I got to my desk, I opened the top drawer, pulled out an orange and then headed for my boss’s office. The door to his office was open and there laying on his desk was a loaf of bread. Gripping my orange, I took aim and hurled it at the bread. The orange met its target head on and punched the bread off the desk, sending it falling to the floor.
“GET OUT OF THERE!” my boss screamed as he finally caught up with me in his office. But he was too late. When he saw his bread on the floor he let out a scream of despair. He instantly fell to his knees, shocked beyond measure that I had so victimized him like this. He was devastated to levels more unbearable than his senses could tolerate, thus allowing me time to slip away unnoticed, but not without myself feeling guilty at having committed the ultimate criminal offense, for I was true to my word and had indeed fruited my boss’s bread off.