The Pedestrian Harassment Squad.

Every morning I take the train to work as part of my daily commute. When I get off at my destination, it’s a short 10-minute walk to the building where I work, and that’s when I see them, all of them waiting for me and waiting to strike without warning.

Yes, I’m talking about the Pedestrian Harassment Squad, one of the most dangerous secret organizations in existence.

Just when I’m getting ready to cross the street, whether it be a major intersection or a side street, a car will suddenly appear out of nowhere and cross my path to briefly delay my walk. A few seconds later I’m allowed to cross the street to continue my way until I reach the next crossing only to be victimized by another car. The delay may only be a few seconds long with each attack, but those seconds can really add up to devastating consequences.

On a typical day I’m attacked 9 times, including a major assault at a major intersection with heavy traffic. Each attack delays my walk for at least 5 seconds, not counting the two minutes I spend waiting to cross the busy intersection. That adds up to 2 minutes and 40 seconds lost due to the attacks, which is not good if the time happens to be 20 seconds past 8:58am. That alone puts me at a major risk of arriving at work at 9:01am, which could result in a Late Arrival infraction. Of course, my boss refuses to believe my story of being attacked by members of the Pedestrian Harassment Squad and reminds me to come up with a better excuse next time.

What is it that triggers these seemingly random attacks? There are sections of sidewalk and walkway that actually function as switches that sound an alert to give the attackers enough time to start driving and cross my path at the precise right moment. I have noticed that these drivers are masters at keeping a straight face during the attack as if they were just minding their own business, but you just know that deep inside their minds, there’s something very different going on.

And why are these members of the Pedestrian Harassment Squad even doing these attacks? Simple. It’s revenge for my taking the train and holding up traffic at the railway crossings. That would explain why I see enraged drivers jump out of their cars and scream into their phones, while other drivers throw eggs, bagels and coffee at the passing train. They’re counting on the services of the Pedestrian Harassment Squad to ensure that justice is served as soon as I step off the train, and once I do step off, there’s no place to hide.

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