I just concluded an extremely intensive and exhaustive research project into the reasoning why dividing by zero is impossible. If you try dividing any number by zero using a calculator, you’ll get an error. Why is that? I decided to find out.

I couldn’t find a calculator program online that revealed the logic behind dividing by zero, so I programmed my own from scratch that shows the analytical structure behind the calculation process using built-in algorithms instead of relying on the operating system to handle the calculations. No doubt the operating system has its own pre-defined set of algorithms for performing calculations that were adopted by some mathematical standards institute that has helped distribute these algorithms far and wide. My calculator defied these standards and took matters into its own hands.

Before calculating the impossible, I used my calculator program to calculate the sum of one and one.

NUM1: ☺

NUM2: ☻

CALC: +

RSLT: ☺☻

How about that, the sum is 2. Next I tried subtraction. Here I subtracted 6 from 4.

NUM1: ☺☺☺☺☺☺

NUM2: ☻☻☻☻

CALC: –

RSLT: ☺☺

As expected the difference is 2. Finally, I tried multiplication, specifically 3×3.

NUM1: ☺☺☺

NUM2: ☻☻☻

CALC: x

RSLT: ☺☺☺│☺☺☺│☺☺☺

Sure enough, the answer is 9. Confident I could finally tackle the impossible, I attempted to divide 2 by zero, and look what I got:

NUM1: ☺☺

NUM2: 0

CALC: ÷

RSLT: ☻☺☻│☺☻☺│☻☺☻│☺☻☺│☻☺☻│☺☻☺│☻☺☻

What do you know. Two divided by zero is 21!

Then I saw this message:

NUM1: ☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│

NUM2: ☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│

CALC: ☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│

RSLT: quit using us little people to do your math, prepare to die

Suddenly hundreds of tiny spears came flying out of the monitor and I had to run out of the room to avoid getting hit. For the next 10 minutes I heard the sound of tiny spears hitting the wall, the chair, the desk and the floor. Slowly the sound faded and it was once again quiet in the room where I was working. Cautiously I peeked into the room to look at the computer and I saw this message on the screen.

NUM1:

NUM2:

CALC:

RSLT: never divide by zero again

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Tags: comedy

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