If Sméagol did tech support.

Sméagol: Internets tech support, Sméagol at your service, what does you wants?

Customer: Ah yes, you were the one to whom I spoke with last week about my slow speed issue.

Sméagol: Yes, Sméagol can help you with your slows speed issue to the Internets, nasty slows speed, nassty slows speed…

Customer: You said you were going to send out a technician a few days ago. He never showed up.

Sméagol: Ay, surely someone was going to shows up, Sméagol check and see why no one shows up to fixes your nasssty slows speed… Oh, Sméagol sorry, technician was slain by an orc.

Customer: An orc?

Sméagol: Yesss, an orc, fiber optic line run directly into orc territory and they hates it, nassty orcs, they have no respect for high technology, they wouldn’t let the technician in without a fight, and the technician lost, head and all.

Customer: So when is my slow speed issue going to get resolved? I’m signed up to get the fastest speed you guys have and yet I’m shelling out my precious money on a speed that’s slower than dial-up!

Sméagol: Precious?

Customer: Excuse me?

Sméagol: Does you know where Precious iss? I wants it!

Customer: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Sméagol: I WANTS IT BAAACK!

[Customer hangs up.]

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