Mikey the Monster.

Mikey is without a doubt the single most frightening excuse for a human being. Hated, feared and fiendishly impossible to work with, Mikey has no one to negotiate with the demons that made him the dreadful monster that he is.

Mikey’s so-called singing career began during his childhood when he, his sister Lisa and friend Alan were playing with a tape recorder when they started singing improvised songs while pounding on the piano. It wasn’t intended to be a real album but Mikey took that as his calling to pursue a career in singing. After all, it was he that named the group The Unusual Trio.

Fast forward a few years. Lisa and Alan were growing up and realizing their futures, but Mikey wanted to reunite The Unusual Trio to record an actual album. When they refused, Mikey threw a temper tantrum and vowed never to speak to them again. To this day, his relationship with them remains severed.

Mikey’s chance for a big break came when he joined the Ascott Boys, a local boy band with its members all residing on Ascott Road. They heard of Mikey’s desire to pursue a singing career so they let him join. What a huge mistake that was. Everyone was so horrified at Mikey’s screaming and shrieking during band rehearsals that they kicked him out minutes later. Mikey was an Ascott Boy no more. Not that he ever was.

Devastated, Mikey threw temper tantrum after temper tantrum in bitter protest that his singing career wasn’t proceeding as planned. Desperate for peace and quiet, his parents appealed to local musicians to form a band with Mikey at the helm. And so a group did come to the rescue, thinking they at last found themselves a new lead singer. He was the new lead singer, but not the kind they had in mind.

The band was surprised at Mikey’s mannerisms. He was in his 30’s but still acted and sounded like he was 8 years old. But that was only the tip of the dissonant iceberg, and things did not get pretty.

Right off the bat there was tension between Mikey and his new band, starting with the name. It was originally Mikey’s Band, but Mikey hated the apostrophe and threw a temper tantrum lasting a full day in protest. So the apostrophe was removed and the group proceeded as Mikeys Band. And that was only the beginning.

There were other differences as well. The band wanted a loud rock ‘n’ roll sound with the usual songs about parties, fast cars and pretty girls, but Mikey preferred a barely audible percussive sound to accompany his songs about lollipops, playgrounds and dirty underpants. Talk about creative differences.

Once again Mikey wasn’t getting his way so he resorted to his trademark tactic: the temper tantrum. And it worked. Sort of. After a few days of Mikey’s yelling and screaming, the shaken band agreed to comply with Mikey’s ludicrous demands and all was well, although the truce was fragile at best.

But Mikeys Band wanted to rock and not tap plastic spoons on their wrists while Mikey sang about poo poo. So they cranked things up with their deafening roar of guitars and drums, but that only induced Mikey’s massive temper tantrum that lasted 3 full days before he calmed down. That was when the band learned not to play rock music while he was around. Relations within the group became forever strained for the remainder of their short tenure.

And so the uneasy alliance continued. Mikey spent more time arguing with his band mates than he did performing, and his temper tantrums caused the group to break up multiple times. The group secretly hired themselves a new lead singer to get themselves on track and began performing gigs at local bars and events. But they always reconciled with Mikey and continued working with him before the next major fight broke out.

Mikeys Band managed to record only a few songs presented one at a time as Mikeys Song Of The Day. Every afternoon after 3pm the garage door would open and there was Mikey and his band in the garage in concert for one song before the garage door closed again. Neighbors were puzzled and paid the performances no heed, given Mikey’s explosive reputation. It didn’t give him much publicity, either.

But things continued getting worse. Mikey was becoming harder to work with and the fighting escalated to temper tantrums that became more and more violent. During one tantrum Mikey destroyed the tape recorder and the tape that bore the three songs recorded so far. That would have marked the end of his career, but it didn’t. That moment would arrive just days later.

During rehearsals that fateful day, Mikey suddenly lost it and this time, he really lost it. He screamed, yelled and cried nonstop while throwing an extremely violent fit that sent his band mates running out the door, this time for good. Police were called to quell the disturbance and Mikey had to be tranquilized prior to being removed from the house. Now that’s killing your career in style.

Nowadays Mikey spends his days in a padded room at the sanitarium, still throwing violent fits and harming no one but himself. His singing career met a premature demise and he has nothing to show for it. From time to time he expresses a desire to work with Mikeys Band again, but his former band mates have carried on without him. They continue to perform as Tropical Disturbance and refuse to ever work with Mikey again.

Nighty night, Mikey. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.

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