Burnt out Light Bulbs in the Middle of the Day.

From another of my old journal books comes this brave attempt at writing a comedy sketch.

Announcer: And now, Burnt out Light Bulbs in the Middle of the Day! With your host, Vince Votski!

Vince: Hello, everybody! Welcome to a half-hour of comedy and great entertainment. Among my guests are Leon Fartski, who has a musical fart, and Ron Stovins, who has driven all over the world, offering free rides to the poor, and finally, Steve Marsto, a guy who just wants to be on TV. It’s a great hour split in half waiting for you. And the fun gets started right after this.

< C O M M E R C I A L S >

Vince: Welcome back. Now I have some interesting people on my show. Yes, it is true that people excel in musical instruments, but, it is very rare for people to use their body parts to create not ugly sounds, but beautiful, harmonious music! Will you please welcome Leon Fartski!

(enter Leon)

Welcome to my show.

Leon: Thank you.

Vince: Now, you can use your body parts to make music.

Leon: Yes, it is gas formed at the midspoint of the large intestine and forced outward by internal peristalsis and forces the outer skin to burp outward. It is otherwise known as farting.

Vince: Ah, and you can make music with your- your- ah- rear end. (laughter)

Leon: Let me play for you Mary Had A Little Lamb.

(farts tune)

Vince: Wow, that is unbelievable!

Leon: I know. You have to expel the gas just the right blast and note. It takes a lot of practice. Let me play The Old Man’s Snore.

(expels loud, long blast)

Ouch! (laughter) Well, that’s all I feel like blasting out today.

Vince: Oh, that’s all right, because we still have two more guests still to come. Stay with us.

< C O M M E R C I A L S >

Vince: Welcome back. Today’s world has lots of problems, and there are lots of people who care to help. Among these is my next guest. Will you please welcome Ron Stovins.

(enter Ron)

Welcome to my show.

Ron: Thank you.

Vince: It is a nice thing you do for the poor. Sort of makes them feel like that they have a good friend on their side.

Ron: Yes. I drive people to where they want, and then I just don’t ask for anything in return.

Vince: That’s nice. They already have huge debts to pay, don’t they?

Ron: Yes, and I don’t want to make things worse. Ha! (pause) Ha! (pause) Ha! (pause) Ha!

Vince: Tell us about the most rewardful thing you did.

Ron: In Mexico, I picked up a family and drove them to Texas and there I gave them jobs and –

Vince: Whoa! You’re transporting illegal aliens.

Ron: But I just wanted to be helpful.

Vince: Is that your goal – to bring illegal aliens to this country?

Ron: Yes. Is there anything wrong with that?

Vince: Wrong? Yes! It’s illegal!

Ron: Yep, it’s illegal all right. Well, I got to transport illegal aliens.

Vince: Well, okay. We got one more guest due on my show, and there you must stay with us.

< C O M M E R C I A L S >

Vince: Welcome back. I just don’t understand it myself, I mean, there’s this guy who just wants to be on my show, but he has no talents, no distinguishing characteristics from any other individual, but anyway, please welcome, Steve Marsto.

(enter Steve)

Well, Steve, you got long hair, nerd glasses, a purple shirt with white dots, white pants with colored vertical stripes, white socks and real bizarre shoes! Well, I guess that just what I see here is distinguishing right here!

(laughter)

Steve: No, I just want to be on your show. That’s all. I just want to sit in this chair and see you. And that’s what I’m doing now. Here I am, on a show with 10 words in the title!

Vince: Well, you’re here.

Steve: Mission accomplished. (leaves)

Vince: Well, that’s all the time I have for today. Join me next time for Burnt out Light Bulbs in the Middle of the Day!

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