Here’s another early work and one influenced by watching too many soap operas on TV.
SCENE. Restaurant. MASON and KATE.
KATE: Are you having a nice time here?
MASON: I sure am. I can’t wait until after dinner, because that’s where our romance begins.
KATE: Romance!
MASON: Yeah. I mean, who can take love more seriously as contained in one fine romance?
KATE: (leans forward) Do you know something? I think you will have a romance without me, and with someone else.
MASON: K-Kate! What are you talking about?
KATE: Don’t sound surprised, Mason. You surely know what’s going on inside you. You are dating Sharon.
MASON: Who told you that?
KATE: At a time like this, who’s interested? (gets up and leaves)
HOSPITAL. GARY and SUE.
GARY: I had to do this. I know you are a nurse here, but this is a private hospital. The only way I can get in here is if I have a bad problem.
SUE: That’s bad. (enter DOCTOR) Oh-oh.
GARY: You’re late, Henry, but better late than never! Pull up a chair! Sit down! Yes, Sire! It looks like it’s gonna be one of those days, but it should be fun! A challenge! AVAT!
DOCTOR: Mr. Gilbert, from now on, I’m going to be overlooking your therapy and treatment.
GARY: Well, doctor, if you don’t mind, then we had better consider the consequences. I would not mean to be exaggerant, but I would perish as an Englishman!
DOCTOR: An ENGLISHMAN?
GARY: Yeah, back when we celebrated the third century of the Magna Carta, I was the well recognized descendant of King John, eh doctor? And I must say the firecrackers were absolutely top drawer!
DOCTOR: I think you’ve got one of the rarer cases this hospital’s ever seen!
GARY: Rare? Why, we Roosevelts hardly use that word. Everything is as abundant as it is.
DOCTOR: I’ve never seen such subtle symptoms!
GARY: Indeed, my man, you are quite some kind of man who would not quit in life, who would go on and – ho! The Sire awaits! (stands)
DOCTOR: Maybe I’ll intensify your treatment some way. (exit)
SUE: What will we do now?
GARY: I don’t know. I’m getting nervous, and may even fall victim to these fake symptoms.
SCENE. Office. KEN and ATTORNEY.
KEN: I am telling you I did not hit Suzie!
ATTORNEY: I heard that already.
KEN: I just want to clarify that statement. I’m getting nervous. Really nervous.
ATTORNEY: Don’t worry. Leave it to me. As your attorney, I have the power to regulate the law. Relax. You’ll pass through just fine. I promise. (pause) According to this book, the attorney can control the judiciary society! See! (hands book to KEN.)
KEN: Ah! But – what’s this paper? “Kenneth Slaughterly abused Suzanne Charleston. I saw it all. Period. Signed, Dan Slaughterly.” That’s my dad! (pause) I thought you were going to help me! Will you please tell me what’s going on? Really, are you trying to throw me or WHAT!
ATTORNEY: Relax, Ken!
KEN: NO! (pause) it looks as if we’ll have another case in the works.
ATTORNEY: What case?
KEN: Me versus you! (leaves)
RESTAURANT. MASON, sitting by himself.
MASON: What did I do to deserve this? Couldn’t I just have two romances at the same time, and control them? Sharon and Kate are such lovely women, and I can balance romances and – (sighs) Oh! Why did I have to get into this in the first place?
(enter STOMACH, a stomach-shaped creature with legs, and sits)
Can you help me?
STOMACH: BELCH! BLAAACCCHHH!
(enter KATE and SHARON, running)
KATE: I’m sorry, Mason!
SHARON: What shall we do tonight?
KATE: It’s all up to you, Mason. It’s all up to you.
HOSPITAL. GARY and SUE.
SUE: What was it you wanted to tell me?
GARY: That a new neighbor moved into the empty house next door. Real handsome guy. About 23 years old.
SUE: Wow…
(enter DOCTOR)
DOCTOR: Gary, we shall begin with an injection of hormones that will control your speech.
GARY: Oh! Hail, doctor! I don’t take injections.
DOCTOR: You must, Gary, you MUST!
(enter STOMACH, running)
STOMACH: BELCH! BLAAAAACHH! (exit)
DOCTOR: Good heavens! (tosses needle, needle explodes. DOCTOR flees, screaming. GARY and SUE embrace.)
OFFICE. KEN and ATTORNEY.
ATTORNEY: You will not start a new case! Period!
KEN: I have power, too, you know! I declare you a TRAITOR!
ATTORNEY: (gasps) Then I will have you promptly arrested.
(STOMACH runs across background, burping)
STOMACH: BELCH! BLACCHH!!
ATTORNEY: Now listen, young man. You have no right to do this. (begins inflating, swelling and becoming fatter) As a man in the lower level of society, you cannot even touch me as a working system. I’m in it, and you are out. Period. Now, Ken, would you mind telling me what’s do funny? (explodes. KEN flees)
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for AS THE ANUS FARTS. Good night.
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