The Nastyheroes, Part 2.


SCENE. Countryside. GUNMAN and CLUMSYMAN have just buried the bombs and ready to detonate them upon Rohtul’s request.

GUNMAN: There. Now all we have to do is head back home and tell Rohtul we are ready. Clumsyman, let’s make sure the bombs are completely concealed before we leave.


GUNMAN: I can’t believe you don’t know how. Scatter seaweed, for goodness sakes!

CLUMSYMAN: Oh. Whoa! (falls)

GUNMAN: And he stumbles as he walks but never in thought, eh? Maybe that needs a little revision.


SCENE. Laboratory. ROHTUL and FOULDITE enter.

ROHTUL: I cannot believe you can do this to me. The bombs are ready to be blown up right now and you’re asking for money?

FOULDITE: Yes. My services are not free. I will sell you a detonator for about 500 dollars.

ROHTUL: Cukoo! I don’t have any money.

FOULDITE: Well, we had better get something worked out. I give you the detonator and you will give me part of your new land.

ROHTUL: Never! I will pay you. Boy in Black! Come in here!

(enter BOY)

BOY IN BLACK: Yes, Sire, Your Darkness.

ROHTUL: Steal 500 dollars from the bank and give it to me. And I need it immediately.

FOULDITE: Hey, I see you wearing black every day. Don’t you have anything else to wear?

BOY IN BLACK: Never. I must wear it or otherwise I’ll be too attractive.

ROHTUL: Ah, he’s full of putdowns. Blackie, do your duty.


SCENE. Bank. Bank Guard stands in front of a vault. Enter BOY IN BLACK.

GUARD: Hey, sonny, what’s your problem?

BOY: Are you talking to me?

GUARD: Yes, I am.

BOY: Oh! Well, I have no problem actually, since nobody’s perfect, but I guess I fit in the category anyway.

GUARD: I should say! You’ve got black on all over you. Why?

BOY: Would you believe this is a robber’s outfit?


BOY: This is a robber’s outfit. I want you to open the vault and let me take 500 dollars. It is urgent.

GUARD: And why is that?

BOY: Well, this black outfit is to camouflage me in the darkness from my tax collector. I owe 25 years in taxes.

GUARD: Are you willing to pay it back?

BOY: Yes!


BOY: 500 hours of centerfolds of Playboy?

GUARD: No, I’m anti-porn. Gimme something else.

BOY: How about closing a deal with Rohtul?

GUARD: Rohtul! Good God! I’d drink hydrochloric acid and ooze between his toes. Then, I’d be clear. Here, I’ll open the vault. Take what you need – no, no. Take the whole thing. And don’t give it back!


BOY: This job is so rewarding. (goes in vault and takes entire money of vault) You just can’t see the benefits.



BOY: I got the whole vault right behind my back, and a hernia right on me.

ROHTUL: Good! Here is the loot! And 500 dollars is yours to keep.

FOULDITE: Very well. Here is the detonator. Too bad I couldn’t get part of the new land. I could make good use of it.

ROHTUL: What use?

FOULDITE: Well, make it a leading nuclear port and – oh well, it’s yours, and our deal is closed.

ROHTUL: And, I will hit the ol’ button and –

(hits button. California blows up, leaving no land at all. Just California erased. ROHTUL laughs, assuming the job has been done. Some INDIANS climb through the roof and land on ROHTUL.)

INDIAN 1: Wow! That big flight take me to see world as from eagle view!

INDIAN 2: Yeah, and I wish to go on another ride.

ROHTUL: Off of me, you sausages!

INDIAN 1: Who call sausages?


INDIAN 2: Yeah, us, he call us banana peel.

ROHTUL: Yeah, and banana peel too. Get off me! (stands up) How did you get in here?

INDIAN 1: We follow you because you go funny. Lady drive off road and over rattlesnakes and into cactus. We laugh and follow more.

INDIAN 2: I like man who fall. He make me laugh and follow more.

(enter FBI)

FBI AGENT 1: So you were the one that crashed into the armor truck.

FBI AGENT 2: It was a woman. Ah yes, that one. We are arresting you guys for hit-and-run driving, resisting arrest and plotting to destroy the nation.

FBI AGENT 3: (smoking and sizzling, all black from smoke) And I saved the world.


JUDGE: We are gathered here tonight to observe the trial of these Nastyheroes, whom they plotted to overtake our country and eventually the world. Will the lawyer for Xam Rohtul please speak?

FOULDITE: Hey, Rohtul isn’t so bad. He just wants to create an empire that will create jobs and therefore help the state’s economy. Why is there debate and arguments over that? You tell me why and perhaps we can work something out.

JUDGE: I cannot operate to work out something with you. Just defend the accused.

FOULDITE: How? Well, I cannot. He is innocent as anyone can be? He is an ambitious person and he wants to accomplish something, and with the efforts, he is succeeding.

JUDGE: The jury will retire.

(lights darken)

Do you have a verdict? If so, what is it?

JURY: We find the Nastyheroes guilty of conspiring to destroy the nation.

NASTYHEROES: WHAT? (all explode)

ROHTUL: NO! My creations! They’re gone! (explodes)

JUDGE: Case closed. And they saved us money by executing themselves! How nice!

ROHTUL’S VOICE: Easy for you to say!


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