My hydraulic press channel fiasco.

I regret to announce that my ambitions to start my own hydraulic press channel on YouTube have been permanently squelched.

The store where I work recently installed its own hydraulic press department, which gave me the idea to sneak over there and make my own videos of various items getting crushed. However, things did not go according to plan for long.

After I came to work, I waited until the coast was clear and then quickly snuck to the hydraulic press department to set up my camera and a can of SpaghettiOs for crushing and then I switched on the press. The resulting explosion sounded like a can of pasta getting crushed by a hydraulic press and was heard all over the store. I could hear customers screaming and then a stampede of footsteps as the store manager, the assistant store managers, the security officer and the janitor all came running my way. Following them were several dozen people with their cell phones ready to take pictures of the scene of the explosion.

When everyone saw me standing next to the press looking stunned while covered with tomato sauce and pasta fragments, cameras clicked and pictures uploaded to social media sites everywhere. To my further humiliation, I became the subject of a new meme entitled “Should Have Used A Can Opener”.

To top things off, my furious manager crushed my camera on the press and made me stay after work to write the sentence “I will not use the hydraulic press at work to crush stuff for YouTube” 500 times on the whiteboard in the training room.

As a result of this incident, each hydraulic press is now monitored by 20 security cameras and armed security personnel. I am forbidden from ever returning to that department again. No matter where I go in the store, I can hear snickers behind my back from coworkers and customers alike fully intent on keeping the memory of the hydraulic press incident fresh in my memory for a long, long time.

So ends my endeavors to start my own YouTube channel. It looks like you’re going to have to go to one of the other 4,999 hydraulic press channels instead.