Shopping at Mulch Depot.

There’s a new store that just opened in my town that really piqued my curiosity. The store is called Mulch Depot and proclaims itself to be the superstore for mulch.

Upon walking inside, I saw they weren’t kidding. This is a HUGE store that sells nothing but mulch and has the widest selection I’ve ever seen. They have the usual selection of red, brown and black mulch like the other stores do. But this one also has blue, green and purple mulch too. I remember thinking, Who on Earth would buy purple mulch? As if answering my question, a little old lady passed me by with a shopping cart loaded with three bags of purple mulch.

As I ventured further into the store, I saw a section for holiday mulch. There’s red, white and blue mulch for Independence Day, orange and black mulch for Halloween, red and green mulch for Christmas, blue and white mulch for Hanukkah and even yellow, pink and green mulch for Easter. I remember thinking, Who on Earth would buy Halloween mulch? As if answering my question, a little old lady passed me by with a shopping cart loaded with three bags of Halloween mulch.

Even farther in I could see bags of mulch with various national colors. There’s red, white and blue mulch for the United States (and France and the United Kingdom), there’s green, yellow and red mulch for Italy and there’s red and white mulch for Japan. There were many, many more national colors than I list here, but I was left wondering, Who on Earth would buy mulch with the national colors of Italy? As if answering my question, a little old lady passed me by with a shopping cart loaded with three bags of mulch with the national colors of Italy.

The last straw came when I reached the back of the store that was lined with armed security guards. It didn’t take me long to see what was back here. Piled along the wall were bags of mulch made from flakes of gold along with bags of silver mulch and even mulch made from blue diamonds. That’s when I started wondering, Who on Earth –

“Excuse me,” said the little old lady as she interrupted my thoughts before grabbing three bags of blue diamond mulch.

I’m not even sure if there’s a real store called Mulch Depot, but if there is, let’s just call it a coincidence.