The evening news.

Good evening, folks. This is Mark Shultz for MJB News. Tonight we have a special announcement from the MB’s Potato Chip Factory.

Hello. I’m Paul Scamp. MB’s Potato Chips has been of superb quality and the price is very good, too. We take fresh potatoes and fry ’em nice and brown and pop ’em in da oven until they come out nice, crisp, an’ brown. Now, our new potato chips are 60 calories less! Why? We inflate our chips while cooking. MB’s Potato Chips, MB’s Potato Chips, MB’s Potato Chips, one is simply not enough.

Next, on WMJB, a man is driven passionately towards a girl he loves. (“Hey baby, come here!”) But her father keeps him away. (“You will not touch her!”) Revenge is needed, so who does the man call? Right! For the first time on broadcast television, Walk Disney presents the unseen film, “The Attack of Rambo Tomatoes”. Rated R.

And now, let’s take a look at the sports. Live from Oklahoma City, we have MJB reporting about a special race he’s preparing for.

“Well, I see the strategy to this race very clearly. I must have a 3-foot start in order to win.”

What kind of race is it?

“Racing up the ladder.”

Oh. Mr. Roger Perkins is here with the weather.

Hello, folks, and here is the extended forecast for MJB. There is a 10% chance of depression, a 30% chance of anger and a 100% chance of happiness. There is no cancer inside yet.

That is our news, and we leave you with this thought. Turn off your television sets right after tonight’s news. “The Attack of Rambo Tomatoes” is bad, horribly disgusting and pure poop. It has high profanity, violence and gore. Good night.