Guys without talent.

The nervous rappers stood on the stage in the empty auditorium before the panel of celebrity judges as the cameras rolled on “Planet Earth’s Got Talent”.

“Well, what did you think?” Ian asked. “Did you like our performance?”

What performance?” the judges asked.

Did they just say that?

“We called you back out because you didn’t do your audition,” said Howie Stowie. “When you were on stage a few minutes ago you guys just made a lot of noise and then left.”

“But that was our audition,” Ian protested.

“It was?” Howie exclaimed. “Roll the tape.”

On the large screen behind the rappers played the recorded performance of their audition just moments before. Ian and Steve both rapped as Dave stood on stage holding a boom box. When the playback ended, Howie’s mouth was open in mock horror.

“So that was it,” Howie said. “Tell me something. How on earth did you guys make it past the local auditions?”

“There were no local auditions,” Ian replied. “We’re the only ones from Florida so we were allowed to bypass the local auditions and go straight to you guys.”

“That explains it,” Howie said. “Let me ask you something. What’s the name of this show?”

“Planet Earth’s Got Talent.”

“And do you guys have talent? No. That was pathetic. If you’re expecting us to allow you in the competition, you’re only kidding yourselves. A retarded gorilla has more talent than all of you. I’m sorry, but you’re out. All of you. Get out. Go home. And bring some talent next time!”

“No. There won’t be a next time,” Mighty Klump said. “I don’t want to see these guys again.”

And that was that.

“Dad, take that paper bag off your head. It’s not safe for driving.” Ian said. His parents had picked him and his friends up at the airport the day after their disastrous audition.

“Retarded gorilla,” Ian’s father said. “I am ashamed. Everyone knows who you are. Everyone knows who we are. Did you see that YouTube video playing at the airport? It’s gone viral! Millions of views within 24 hours? The shame, oh, the shame!”


But it was too late. The car crashed through a guard rail and flew off the road.

“Retarded gorilla,” Ian’s father muttered as the car continued its flight. “I’d rather this car crash and explode into millions of pieces than be seen in public again.”

Seconds later, Ian stood in line outside the Pearly Gates along with his friends and his parents. Ron was still wearing a paper bag over his head.

“Dad, take that paper bag off your head!” Ian hissed.

“Retarded gorilla,” Robert muttered. “I’d rather be at That Other Place than to be seen here with you.”

“Request granted!” shouted St. Peter, who had overheard Ron’s remark.

Seconds later, Ron was at That Other Place where it was too hot for paper bags.

“Retarded gorilla,” Ron muttered. “I’d rather be -”

Then Ron realized he was alone.

“So you’d rather be someplace else?” sneered The Big Red Guy With The Pitchfork. “I know just the place for you!”

Seconds later, Ron was in a dark room, but he could sense he wasn’t alone. He could hear a steady growling as not one, not two, not three, but twelve angry gorillas circling him and demonstrating their fierceness in spite of their mental disabilities. Alas, Ron never said a word again, for minutes later he became retarded gorilla shit.

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