Notes from jury duty, day 4.

This morning the defense launched a full-scale attack on a man wearing a dog suit outside the courthouse and playing the ukulele while singing, “Tiptoe Through The Tulips”. The man had nothing to do with the case but was responsible for people twitching upon arriving at the courthouse. Ultimately he was relocated to the Walmart just up the street.

Then the trial continued as more witnesses were called to testify only to undergo a grueling cross-examination from the opposing side. One witness was so heavily hammered with questions that he had to be pried from his seat with a spatula. Another witness was equally grilled, but we decided to cook some hamburgers and hot dogs while the heat was still sufficient.

Just when we were about to take a break for lunch, one of the prosecutors shouted, “Wait, here are some more disgusting crime scene photos! See the brain fragments oozing out of the victim’s nose?” Seeing as how we were no longer hungry, the court session continued with more testimony from witnesses detailing extremely graphic descriptions of the crime. We had to take a break every 5 minutes just to empty our stomachs.

After the last witness left the stand, one of the defense attorneys suddenly screamed, “Objection!” Then one of the prosecutors yelled back, “Objection!” This went on for several minutes until the judge intervened and asked, “What are you objecting for?” To which the attorneys replied, “Nothing, we just like saying that word.”

Then the prosecutors and defense attorneys collapsed on the floor and began snoring. The judge announced, “Well, it appears the two sides have rested. Tomorrow you all will begin deliberations.  To make things easier for you, we’ll reprint the disgusting crime scene photos in black and white.”

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