The tragedy of Haumea.

There was once a peculiar dwarf planet in our solar system known as Haumea. Little was known about it except its unusual, elliptical shape from its rapid spinning most likely caused by a collision with a large passing object. NASCA (National Aeronautics and Space Conquistador Administration) launched the Pikabu space probe that sent back the first images of Haumea, allowing us to get a first glimpse of the elusive planet. Not long after the Pikabu sent its first image, it was whacked like a baseball into deep space when it was struck by one of the planet’s elongated edges. But that first image gave us some valuable insight.

Much of Haumea was covered with ice, making it an ideal source of water for manned missions venturing to the outer skirts of the solar system. Astronauts enthused at the prospects of using their sleds and ice skates to traverse the planet’s vast icy terrain. And so, the first manned mission to Haumea was planned with the launch of the USS Fiasco.

However, the mission ended in tragedy when the Fiasco was whacked like a baseball into deep space while trying to land on the rapidly spinning planet. The ship and its crew were lost forever.

As is standard procedure when it comes to missions with fatal mishaps, NASCA launched the USS Hasta La Vista Baby to destroy Haumea to avenge the demise of the lost crew. The planet was indeed blown up to tiny smithereenies before the fragments were harvested and flown back to Earth for sale as garden mulch at Dome Hepot stores. The extraterrestrial mulch was in such demand that customers were greatly upset when supplies ran out. But that’s another story altogether and shall be told another time.

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