The Exorcism of ‘Arking Lot, Part 666.

The lightning roared, the thunder flashed and the zombie choir screeched as I screamed at the unexpected sight of a hideous looking creature who was, in turn, screaming at me. Then I got a better look at the creature upon the next flash of lightning and judging from its religious attire, concluded it was nothing more than a decrepit priest.

“I know what you’re after and I won’t let you have it!” the priest shrieked as he pressed down on the book I was trying to remove from the pulpit. “Begone!” He raised his arm and some unseen assistants appeared from nowhere to lift me off my feet, carried me a few feet away from the pulpit and then dropped me on the floor.

I was not going to let this lame spectacle deter me from my mission, so I stood up before approaching the pulpit to make another attempt to apprehend the book.

“Stop!” the priest screamed. “Leave now or I shall summon the mighty Gummy Worm to devour you alive!”

“Excuse me,” I replied after a stunned silence, “did you say gummy worm?”

“That I did! The very Gummy Worm that lives beneath this floor while ruling the realm of evil that was once ‘Arking Lot!”

“This I gotta see,” I said while taking a seat.

“You’ll be sorrrrrrry!” the priest sang. After seeing me still seated and making no attempt to leave the church, he began thumbing through the pages of the big book before arriving at the desired incantation. Then he cleared his throat and began:

Go Moe!
Goo Moo!

I couldn’t help chuckling to myself.

What kind of incantation was that?

I looked at the priest and saw his eyes closed as if concentrating on something. The entire church fell silent, including the thunder outside. The quiet was nerve-wracking beyond belief as if to indicate a premonition of something dreadful about to happen.

Suddenly there was a rumbling noise that shook the church as the floor began to rise in front of the pulpit. My eyes widened with horror at the sight of a growing mound that caused the floor to break open and expose the concrete foundation and dirt underneath. The dirt quickly disappeared into a large hole that was now exposed, and my pulse quickened. Perhaps my decision to undertake this mission wasn’t such a good idea after all. Meanwhile the priest was laughing maniacally as he hung on the pulpit. Gradually the rumbling subsided, and all there was to do now was wait for the worm to emerge.


Out of the hole flew a small red-green gummy worm that landed at my feet. I could feel my fear and tension melt away as I surveyed this supposed ruler of ‘Arking Lot. I leaned forward to pick it up.

Don’t touch that!” the priest screamed. “It’s going to eat you alive!

“What, this little thing?” I countered before popping it in my mouth. I chewed it slowly to savor its sweet, fruity flavor before swallowing.

The priest was aghast. “You ate it!

“And it was delicious,” I smiled.

“Just for that, I will have you face the wrath of the Four Gummy Spiders!”

Four small gummy spiders swiftly dropped down from the ceiling and landed on the floor. “Oh, please,” I sighed as I walked around the room to each spider, picked it up and ate it. Turning back to the priest, I asked, “So what else do you have?”

You ate the spiders too!

“And I’m ready for more,” I countered.

“Fine,” the priest sneered. “No one can get past my fierce Gummy Bears!”

Suddenly a door hidden in the wall next to me slid open, revealing two small gummy bears on the floor, standing side by side. Seconds later they were gone after I too devoured them. Confidently I began walking towards the pulpit as I watched the priest frantically thumb through the pages of his book in search of another incantation.

“It’s over,” I said.

“No,” the priest replied, “it’s just beginning.”

Suddenly the floor began to rumble. Lightning and thunder raged outside, the zombie choir began screeching as the rumbling became louder and more violent. All the while the priest began sweating and his skin was tensed to the point where I could see his veins. He bared his teeth and widened his eyes as if undergoing some transformation. Then the rumbling died down and there was an eerie quiet in the church as the priest stood staring at me.


The priest let out a small fart before he dropped dead, falling backwards to the floor. Then the interior of the church collapsed and disappeared to reveal a meadow surrounded by trees on a glorious morning. The sun was rising, birds flew by and deer appeared along with antelopes. Butterflies flew along with the bees as they caroused among the colorful flowers that bloomed all over the ground. I could sense that my mission was accomplished at long last.

And then I heard a voice.


In the distance I could see the gladiator, still convulsing with disgust as he ran towards the horizon to collide with the rising sun.

The End





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