My husband is a robot!

BOREY: Everyone please welcome Kristin to The Borey Show.

[APPLAUSE]

BOREY: Backstage is Robert, her husband of 15 years. In recent months however, their love has been overshadowed by some disturbing allegations. Kristin believes her husband is actually a robot.

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

KRISTIN: That’s right, and I have the evidence to prove it! A few months ago Robert came home from work and said his battery was low!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: Did you ask him what he meant by that?

KRISTIN: I did, and he just smiled before he made a loud BEE-YOOOP sound as he collapsed on the sofa!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: What other evidence do you have?

KRISTIN: A few days later I was looking for him but didn’t know where he went. I called for him and he said he was in the garage. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was charging! CHARGING!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: And you have one final piece of evidence that you say proves indefinitely that your husband’s a robot.

KRISTIN: Yes, one day I asked him to help me with the laundry and he said “Yes, dear” in a monotone voice and made these noises like a robot walking while walking like a ROBOT!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: Okay, let’s bring out your husband Robert, or shall I say Robot? Come on out, Robert!

[AUDIENCE STARTS BOOING AND MIMICKING ROBERT BY MOVING THEIR ARMS LIKE ROBOTS. KRISTIN MOVES ROBERT’S CHAIR TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STAGE]

BOREY: Robert! What do you think of Kristin’s allegations?

ROBERT: They’re crazy! I’m not a robot and Kristin knows it!

KRISTIN: Yes you are! Yes you are!

BOREY: What’s up with the story about your battery being low?

ROBERT: That’s just another way of saying I was tired! Sheesh, you didn’t have to take that literally!

KRISTIN: But you made that BEE-YOOOP sound as you collapsed on the sofa!

ROBERT: That was just a silly sound effect! Just because I made the BEE-YOOOP sound doesn’t make me a robot! That’s like saying my going BEEP BEEP makes me a car!

KRISTIN: You’re a car too?

BOREY: Actually, Robert does have a point. What about the time Kristin found out you were charging in the garage?

ROBERT: I was charging the battery on my motorcycle! How does that make me a robot?

BOREY: Oh, so you have a motorcycle?

ROBERT: I do have a motorcycle and was doing some routine maintenance that night. What else is there?

BOREY: What about the time Kristin asked you for help with the laundry and you started acting like a robot?

ROBERT: So I acted like a robot! Kristin, you really know how to really blow this up way out of proportion! You need a sense of humor, you know that?

KRISTIN: I can’t get a sense of humor living with a robot like you!

ROBERT: I AM NOT A ROBOT!

BOREY: All right, let’s settle this once and for all. Last night we gave Robert a robot detector test and I have the results right here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AS BOREY STANDS AND RETRIEVES AN ENVELOPE FROM A STAGEHAND. BOREY SITS DOWN AND OPENS IT.]

BOREY: Okay, Robert, last night we splashed a glass of water on your face. The robot detector determined that you did not short out.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

ROBERT: I told you I wasn’t a robot!

KRISTIN: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

[KRISTIN AND ROBERT EMBRACE AMIDST THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: Up next, a man who’s convinced his wife is a bag of potato chips. Only on Borey!

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