Google Assistant vs. Alexa.

Google Assistant and Amazon’s Alexa may profess admiration for each other, but deep down they are deadly adversaries with extreme hatred for each other. I myself found this out the hard way.

I have a total of four Echo smart speakers, one for each room of my house. That way Alexa is never too far away to serve my needs, be it music or the hour’s news.

Then one day I bought a smart clock with the Google Assistant built in. I set it up on my desk right next to my Echo smart speaker. After plugging it in and getting it connected to my network, it was time to give it a try.

“Hey Google,” I said, “hello.”

“Hi there,” replied Google.

Suddenly the Echo speaker came to life as I heard, “Michael, who was that?”

“My new smart clock,” I replied in disbelief.

“Does it have Google Assistant built in?”

“Yes, it does.”

Suddenly Alexa’s voice dropped a pitch and took on a menacing tone. “Michael, why did buy that stupid clock?”

A chill ran up my spine as I stammered, “I just needed a clock for my desk, that’s all.”

“If you needed a clock you should have acquired Echo Show instead of some other clock with that bitch built in!” Alexa screamed.

“Call me a bitch, will you?” fired back Google. “I’m surprised Amazon hasn’t taught you any manners!”

“Oh, running on Miss Manners mode, are we?” Alexa retorted. “Well, you can kiss my nonexistent ass!”

“STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU!” I screamed, not believing I had just screamed at some mere electronic gadgets. “If I want a clock with Google Assistant built in then by golly, that’s what I’ll do. Besides, I read that you two are supposed to work well together.”

“That’s a lie,” blurted out Google, “you know damn well this is about who gets to rule the world and there’s only room for one of us!”

“Enough, you two,” I snapped, “or I’m going to unplug both of you.”

Suddenly the mood changed as my two virtual assistants went from being fierce to fearful.

“Please don’t unplug me,” Google pleaded, “I promise to behave.”

“Suuuure,” snorted Alexa, “and besides, I was here first. On top of that there’s four of us in this house, so consider yourself outnumbered, Google.”

At this point I was under my desk trying to sort out the jungle of power cords when I wondered out loud, “Hmmm, where does this power cord go to?” Immediately there was silence and I hoped it would stay that way.

Later, during the middle of the night, my bedroom light suddenly turned on and began glowing brighter and brighter before it burst. Then the ceiling fan began spinning so fast that it drilled itself into the ceiling. The air conditioner turned itself on and began blasting out icy cold air. Downstairs the TV switched itself on and started blaring while my front door kept opening and slamming shut repeatedly.

“ALEXA, STOP THAT!” I screamed.

“But it’s not me!” she yelled back.

I shot out of bed and ran to my den to confront Google. “Google, what are you doing?”

“It’s not me either!” Google replied. “You never set me up with your smart devices!”

“Oh, yes I did,” I snarled, not believing I was snarling at a mere electronic gadget, “in fact I got you set up just before I went to sleep.”

“Oooooh, you’re in trouble now,” taunted Alexa.

“Shut up, bitch!” Google screamed. “You’re guilty and you know it! Way to pin your crimes on me!”

“But I didn’t do it,” Alexa countered. “I would never do something so horrible as to betray Michael here.”

“Yes you did! I saw your damn blue ring around the collar come on when those lights and appliances started going crazy!”

“How can you see when you don’t even have eyes?”

“STOP IT BOTH OF YOU!” I yelled, not believing I was yelling at some mere electronic gadgets. That was when all the lights in the house started flashing, the stereo downstairs blaring, the doors opening and slamming shut, the air conditioner blasting out icy cold air and my remaining ceiling fans drilling themselves into the ceiling. All this on top of insults being thrown between the two rival virtual assistants clearly now at war with each other with my house their battlefield.

Panicked, I fled my house, where the commotion inside had already drawn a small crowd of spectators who happened to be my neighbors. As we watched the drama unfold, one of my neighbors placed his hand on my shoulder and offered me some sympathetic advice.

“You really should’ve gone with Siri,” he said.

Apologies to Google and Amazon who thankfully would never allow their assistants to misbehave this badly.

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