Restaurant Review: Bargle Burger.

Starting with this post and sporadically thereafter I will be reviewing some of the restaurants in my area and determining if they’re really worth a visit. I may not be a professional restaurant critic but I have my own way of deciding the true worth of any chosen restaurant. Without any further ado, let’s get right to today’s review.

This past week I visited Bargle Burger, an extremely overhyped burger chain that claims to serve the best burgers “in the universe”. Of course they are known for their TV commercials featuring their terrifying clown Bargle McBargle who makes Pennywise look friendly enough to entertain a children’s birthday party. McBargle is also known for terrorizing diners by showing up at their tables and offering to make balloon sculptures but with the wrong balloons. He uses the large circular balloons which he overinflates to the point of popping yet he is not one to give up. He will try again and again, much to the annoyance of everyone in the restaurant who do not like their meals interrupted by loud bangs.

When I first entered Bargle Burger, I immediately noticed that the interior of the restaurant was extremely smoky, not from cigarettes but from the burger patties being burnt from the cooks spending more time on their phones than on their cooking. Only one of the cooks took great care to cook the burgers just right and I silently prayed that he would be the one to prepare my order.

My server wasn’t exactly very bright. When he took my drink order, I asked for an iced tea. He just stood there looking stupefied before he said, “The record store’s across the street.”

Now it was my turn to look stupefied. “What?” I asked.

“Yeah, the record store’s across the street if you’re looking for rap music. We only have burgers here.” he said.

“No no no,” I corrected, “I don’t want Ice-T, I want ice tea!”

“Oh-kay,” my server said slowly as he walked away from my table while staring at me as if to wonder what I was doing out of my straitjacket.

A few minutes later he brought me my iced tea but without any ice cubes, but I decided to stay quiet and not make this any more confusing for my perpetually befuddled server. Then I ordered my favorite burger, the Swiss burger with the meat still pink and juicy. This is my established benchmark for measuring the quality of these burger restaurants.

Barely a few minutes later my server brought me my meal but before he could place it on my table, he suddenly tripped and fell, sending my burger flying towards the ceiling. Only the halves of the bun came falling back to curiously shatter on the floor. When my server looked at the ceiling he suddenly began laughing hysterically. There, hanging from the ceiling was the cooked burger patty, hanging on by a long gooey strand of Swiss cheese.

That’s when I noticed something interesting.

Also hanging from the ceiling were dozens of other burger patties similarly hanging by whatever cheese they were served with before they were too launched presumably by the same clumsy waiter.

Speaking of which, my server was rolling on the floor laughing harder and harder and seemingly too occupied to be of any further service in this pathetic dining environment.

Just when my dining experience couldn’t get any worse, Bargle McBargle suddenly appeared at my table and offered to make me a flower out of overinflated spherical balloons. After a continuous barrage of popping balloons, I decided enough was enough and stormed out of the restaurant without paying.

Later that night I went on Google Maps and looked up Bargle Burger and was surprised to see a single 5-star review (“I love my burgers served burnt beyond recognition”, the review said) but a majority of users gave it one star, as did I. Bargle Burger is by far the worst burger restaurant I have ever eaten at.

Within hours I got a response to my scathing review from the manager. He wrote, “I’m sorry your dining experience with us was so unpleasant. I have given our restaurant a complete overhaul with new, experienced cooks and waiters on board to give you the best burgers in the universe. I have also hired assistant managers to ensure that your dining experience is second to none. We have also toned down Bargle McBargle’s image and have hired a professional balloon sculptor who will dazzle you with his skill. Please give us another try with a free meal on us.”

So I returned to Bargle Burger the next night and once again I had the same poor experience, the same smoky restaurant, the same scary clown with the wrong balloons, the same clumsy waiter who served me iced tea with no ice and sent one more Swiss burger patty hanging from the ceiling. I am never eating here again.

Bargle Burger 
(address removed to discourage visiting)

Atmosphere: 0
Food: 0 Service: 0
Value: 0

This is one place to avoid unless you like your burgers hanging from the ceiling.

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