Following is my summary of the horrific events that unfolded last night during my stay at the Malugg Motel in the slummy dump of a town called Malugg.
I admit I was attracted to the surprisingly cheap rate of $20 per night but when I walked in my room that’s when I knew I had been suckered. There were no sheets on the bed, the mattress badly sagging down the middle and something disgusting seeping from under the bed. There was no bathroom but there was a back door leading to the bushes outside. Instead of a TV there was an AM radio missing both of its knobs, and the entire room was illuminated by a single light bulb dangling perilously from the ceiling by a badly frayed wire appearing ready to break at any minute. Immediately I regretted my decision to stay here but I was exhausted from a long day of driving and needed to rest. But the worst was yet to come.
Hours later, while I was still trying to sleep on the very uncomfortable mattress, a beer keg suddenly came crashing through the window and landed near my bed. I immediately got up and looked around outside my room but saw no one around. Immediately I went to the front desk and woke up the clerk who was sleeping behind the desk. When he surveyed my room he berated me for not “wheeling the keg through the doorway”. When I told him the keg came flying through the window, he laughed and told me I would get charged for the broken window and whatever damage it caused in the room. The motel has a bizarre policy that holds the guest liable for damage from flying beer kegs. And before the clerk left, he decided to charge me for the disgusting thing seeping from under the bed. This is an outrage and a blatant disregard for our precious right for a good night’s sleep.
After the unpleasant exchange with the clerk, I simply waited an hour before sneaking out of the room to my trusty car where I drove off into the night, forever grateful that I paid for my room using cash and a false alias. I knew that trick would come in handy some day.