My top 5 ordeals.

As I recover at the hospital from my latest ordeal, I’ve been keeping my mind busy by ranking my previous ordeals at work, and it turns out I’ve been through quite a few of them. Little wonder that I’ve earned the nickname “The Ordeal Kid”, and its tone tends to be more biting sarcasm rather than affection. Here then is my top 5 ordeals I’ve endured at my job at the home improvement store.

5. The Carpet Ordeal. I was playing with the machine in the flooring department that unwinds those large rolls of carpet into smaller rolls when somehow my foot got caught in the machinery and I was wrapped up in one of the smaller carpet rolls. I was rescued 4 days later.

4. The Toilet Ordeal. I was curious if it’s really possible to flush myself down the toilet, so I stuck my foot into the bowl and it got stuck. I was rescued from the men’s room the following morning.

3. The Ceiling Fan Ordeal. One of the giant ceiling fans in the store mysteriously began spinning in the opposite direction at full speed, which literally sucked me off the floor and into the fan itself where I clung on to one of the blades for dear life. I was rescued a few hours later once the management figured out how to cut off power to the store. I still haven’t told them I was tinkering with a knob on the wall, and no, it wasn’t labeled.

2. The Hardware Ordeal. I got stuck in the small space behind the shelves while trying to retrieve a small screw I accidentally dropped. I was finally rescued a week later when management was investigating a strange smell coming from the hardware aisle after I farted.

1. The Electrical Room Ordeal. I wandered into the electrical room that has the scary sign on the door that reads “Danger, high voltage. Unauthorized personnel keep out”. The door locked itself behind me and I was trapped inside for 3 weeks. The management was NOT impressed.

Of course, none of this tops my latest ordeal in which I went to the cleaning supply room to check out the ladder that went to the roof. The hatch to the roof was open so I ventured out onto the roof and wandered about for about an hour before deciding to head back. Only I couldn’t get back in the store as someone had closed and locked the hatch. I was finally rescued after a month after police came to investigate “a strange man on the roof”.

I will spend a few more days in the hospital before I go back to work. I hear that they’re hanging a sign in my honor in the break room counting the days since my last ordeal. The scary part is that it’ll only be a matter of time before I’m stuck again. Who knows where, but it’ll definitely happen again. And again. And again.

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