The Fart Test.

The door to the waiting room opened as renowned scientist Ranaan Bargaindeli entered to summon the five men who were waiting to take part in an ambitious experiment. As ordered they had been eating baked beans in preparation for the crucial second and final phase of the experiment.

“Come with me,” Bargaindeli commanded as the men rose from their seats to follow him to a large, darkened room illuminated only by a single overhead light in the middle. Numerous members of the press were present to document the unfolding of this unusual experiment about to take place. The five men stood in line in sideways formation while facing the audience.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Bargaindeli announced, “Here you see five married men. They all claim to be faithful to their wives, but one of them is a cheater. How will we find out, may you ask? Observe.”

Turning to the men, he smiled and said, “Gentlemen.”

The first man stepped forward and strained before letting out a loud fart. He stepped back with an awkward grin. There were whispers of disbelief among the reporters clearly wondering what flatulence had to do with advancing scientific progress.

The second man too stepped forward and farted loudly before stepping back while trying to keep a straight face despite the sound of the fart being humourous to his ears.

The third man had to strain more than the first two men, his face turning red from holding his breath trying to force the expulsion of his intestinal gas. He then leaned forward, put his hands on his knees and took some deep breaths before the gas finally came out with a long, deafening roar that shook the walls of the room. He laughed with an embarrassed grin before stepping back to join the other men.

In one smooth motion, the fourth man stepped forward, let loose a loud ripper before he stepped back. Finally, the fifth man contributed his brief fart before concluding the smelly phase of the experiment.

After several cans of air freshener were sprayed to render the air of the room more breathable for the reporters, Bargaindeli returned to the center of the room to address the audience.

“You may be wondering what flatulence has to do with advancing scientific progress,” he said. “You have just seen and heard from the five married men who say they are loyal to their wives, yet one of them is a cheater. Judging from the farts we just heard, I am guessing our cheater is man number three. Am I correct?”

The third man hung his head and stepped forward, amazed at how he was so identified just by his fart. “Yeah, I cheated on my wife. I work at night and she works during the day so I hardly ever see her anymore, so I started an affair with one my coworkers. But how did you know it was me who was cheating?”

“Simple,” Bargaindeli explained, “When confronted with the harsh reality of cheating, the stress causes all your muscles to tighten, including your rectal muscles, which blocks the expulsion of intestinal gas. When relaxed, however, the high volume of gas is then released through the longer than average flatulence.

“In other words, those who cheat fart longer.”

For his work, Bargaindeli became the 2022 recipient of the Dummbel Prize in Marriage Management.

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