The incident at Store 2.625.

“Let’s roll the tape.”

The boss rotated the monitor on his desk so Jones could see the surveillance camera video playing on the screen. It showed Jones driving a forklift down the main aisle of the busy store with customers walking past. Lying on the floor in the forklift’s path was a Mylar balloon bearing the words “SALE!”. Instead of following company protocol and steering around the balloon, Jones chose to drive directly over it, causing it to burst with a loud bang. Dozens of customers were seen collapsing as they sought shelter from the sudden noise.

Jones was squirming in his seat as the video finished playing. “The evidence has been shown,” the boss said, “You know full well that our company has strict guidelines when it comes to driving a forklift near a Mylar balloon on the floor. Did you by any chance consider steering to the left to avoid running over the balloon?”

“No, sir,” was Jones’s tentative reply.

“How about to the right?”

“No, sir.”

“How about above?”

“Sir?”

“Did you consider setting up ramps so you could drive above the balloon without popping it?”

Confused, Jones replied, “No, sir.”

“I take it you never considered driving under it either.”

“How does one drive under a balloon?” Jones blurted out.

“Simple, you pick it up and toss it in the air so you can drive underneath before it lands.”

“I don’t believe this,”Jones sighed as he sat back in his seat.

“I don’t either,” the boss shot back, “You had all those options for dealing with the balloon and yet you chose to drive over it and make it explode with a loud bang and scare all our customers into thinking that it was a BOMB? Don’t you realize what a serious violation you committed?”

“So what happens now?” Jones asked.

“You’re …mmph.”

“What?”

Mmph.

“Fired?”

“FIRE!” screamed the secretary outside the office as she activated the fire alarm that turned on the fire sprinklers all over the store.

The boss shook his head. “That’s two company violations in one day. Want to go for three?”

“I like black jelly beans.”

Get out.

An open letter of complaint.

I wish to register a complaint about yesterday’s event during Employee Appreciation Week. Events from earlier in the week such as the burping contest were actually enjoyable but yesterday was when things went a bit too far.

Yesterday was Ice Cream Blast Day. I love ice cream, so I headed to the break room in hopes of serving myself a bowl of chocolate ice cream piled high with toppings. However, when I stepped into the break room, I heard a loud explosion and was instantly knocked down to the floor by what I presumed to be ice cream fired from a cannon. Needless to say I suffered from brain freeze for the rest of the day, not to mention the chocolate chips that were lodged behind my eyeballs. Some gratitude for all the overtime I put in just to save your widdle buttocks.

I see tomorrow is Bazooka Bubble Gum Day. It better not be what I think it is.

Pi: The Play.

(Man #1 is sitting at his desk. A knock is heard offstage.)

​Man #1: 3.14.

(Man #2 nervously enters)

​Man #2: (tentatively) 1592653?

​Man #1: 589793. (motions to seat. Man #2 sits down) 23846?

​Man #2: 26433832795.

Man #1: (angrily) 0!

Man  #2: (defensively) 2!

Man #1: (stands up, very angry) 8!

Man #2: (stands up, also angry) 8!

Man #1: (shouting) 4197169?

Man #2: 3!

Man #1: 9937510582!

Man #2: 0974944!

(The two men stare at each other in silence)

Man #1: 59?

Man #2: 23.

(The two men shake hands before Man #2 exits. Man #1 sits back down behind his desk and resumes working.)

FIN