My husband is a robot!

BOREY: Everyone please welcome Kristin to The Borey Show.

[APPLAUSE]

BOREY: Backstage is Robert, her husband of 15 years. In recent months however, their love has been overshadowed by some disturbing allegations. Kristin believes her husband is actually a robot.

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

KRISTIN: That’s right, and I have the evidence to prove it! A few months ago Robert came home from work and said his battery was low!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: Did you ask him what he meant by that?

KRISTIN: I did, and he just smiled before he made a loud BEE-YOOOP sound as he collapsed on the sofa!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: What other evidence do you have?

KRISTIN: A few days later I was looking for him but didn’t know where he went. I called for him and he said he was in the garage. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was charging! CHARGING!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: And you have one final piece of evidence that you say proves indefinitely that your husband’s a robot.

KRISTIN: Yes, one day I asked him to help me with the laundry and he said “Yes, dear” in a monotone voice and made these noises like a robot walking while walking like a ROBOT!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: Okay, let’s bring out your husband Robert, or shall I say Robot? Come on out, Robert!

[AUDIENCE STARTS BOOING AND MIMICKING ROBERT BY MOVING THEIR ARMS LIKE ROBOTS. KRISTIN MOVES ROBERT’S CHAIR TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STAGE]

BOREY: Robert! What do you think of Kristin’s allegations?

ROBERT: They’re crazy! I’m not a robot and Kristin knows it!

KRISTIN: Yes you are! Yes you are!

BOREY: What’s up with the story about your battery being low?

ROBERT: That’s just another way of saying I was tired! Sheesh, you didn’t have to take that literally!

KRISTIN: But you made that BEE-YOOOP sound as you collapsed on the sofa!

ROBERT: That was just a silly sound effect! Just because I made the BEE-YOOOP sound doesn’t make me a robot! That’s like saying my going BEEP BEEP makes me a car!

KRISTIN: You’re a car too?

BOREY: Actually, Robert does have a point. What about the time Kristin found out you were charging in the garage?

ROBERT: I was charging the battery on my motorcycle! How does that make me a robot?

BOREY: Oh, so you have a motorcycle?

ROBERT: I do have a motorcycle and was doing some routine maintenance that night. What else is there?

BOREY: What about the time Kristin asked you for help with the laundry and you started acting like a robot?

ROBERT: So I acted like a robot! Kristin, you really know how to really blow this up way out of proportion! You need a sense of humor, you know that?

KRISTIN: I can’t get a sense of humor living with a robot like you!

ROBERT: I AM NOT A ROBOT!

BOREY: All right, let’s settle this once and for all. Last night we gave Robert a robot detector test and I have the results right here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AS BOREY STANDS AND RETRIEVES AN ENVELOPE FROM A STAGEHAND. BOREY SITS DOWN AND OPENS IT.]

BOREY: Okay, Robert, last night we splashed a glass of water on your face. The robot detector determined that you did not short out.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

ROBERT: I told you I wasn’t a robot!

KRISTIN: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

[KRISTIN AND ROBERT EMBRACE AMIDST THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: Up next, a man who’s convinced his wife is a bag of potato chips. Only on Borey!

Soup or Science.

And now it’s time for America’s favorite game show, SOUP OR SCIENCE! And now here’s your host, Ian Matthews!

IAN: Hello and welcome to Soup or Science! With me is today’s contestant Steve! Steve, how are you?

STEVE: All right.

IAN: Are you ready to play Soup or Science?

STEVE: Yeah.

IAN: The rules are simple. I’m going to read you from a list of words and you just tell me if each word is either a scientific term or just a bowl of soup. Easy, huh?

STEVE: Yeah.

IAN: Okay, let’s play Soup or Science! Round One. Alphabet. Soup or Science?

STEVE: Alphabet, let’s see, alphabet… SOUP! Alphabet soup!

IAN: CORRECT! Round Two. Chicken. Soup or Science?

STEVE: Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken…SOUP! Chicken soup!

IAN: YOU GOT IT! Now for Round Three. Fagioli. Soup or Science?

STEVE: Hmmm, wow, that’s a tough one. That really doesn’t sound like a soup, so I’m going to say Science.

IAN: Really. What do you think a fagioli is?

STEVE: I think it’s a species of donkey in France.

IAN: Interesting. But is he right?

(BUZZER)

IAN: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Fagioli is actually a soup.

STEVE: Say what?

IAN: Have you ever eaten at an Italian restaurant? They serve pasta fagioli, which is a type of soup. I’m sorry Steve, but you lose the game. Thanks for playing and be careful, don’t get kicked in the head by a fagioli! (Exaggerated laughter as STEVE leaves the stage) Thanks for watching and we’ll see you next time on Soup or Science!

The demise of Captain Kangaroo.

(Enter Captain Kangaroo. Moose is wearing armor.)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Hey, Moose, why are you wearing armor?

MOOSE: Why not?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well, it’s a nice day outside, so you don’t need a coat or anything like that.

MOOSE: So what?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: So if you wear something heavy then you’ll be hot. And being hot isn’t nice.

MOOSE: Well, I just wanted to try it on.

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: What for?

MOOSE: Oh, I don’t know. Say, would you like to read a poem for me?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Sure, I love to read poems.

MOOSE: Just read this. (produces paper)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well!

“Hold down those cheers
Because those spheres
Have grown teeth
To make things neat!”

That doesn’t make sense.

MOOSE: It what?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: I said, it doesn’t make sense.

MOOSE: Okay, guys.

(Ping pong balls with daggers fall on the Captain)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well, I guess it makes sense in one way or another, but the message itself is perfectly clear. (Collapses. Moose laughs.)

THE END

Apologies to Captain Kangaroo

Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood And The Motorcycle Gang.

What if there was an episode of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood in which a vicious motorcycle gang decides to drop by for a visit?

(Camera shows mini-diorama of street, littered and buildings spray-painted. Cut to Mr. Rogers’ house, untouched. Move camera to entrance. Enter Mr. Rogers, spray-painted and soaked by egg yolks. He sings his usual song, and then…)

MR. ROGERS: Hi, neighbor. I got attacked by some mean men. They wore black, and they drove noisy motorcycles. And then, one of them knocked over a garbage can and scattered the garbage all over the street. I hated them. And then, one of them came up to me and he said, “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I said yes, and then, that wimp picked up a trash can and socked me across the cheek. And then some other guys spray-painted me, and as I ran away, they threw eggs at me. I’m all right, kids, but this is something you should never do. (rock sails through window) Oh no, I’m surrounded. Let’s see what this note says: “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I sure will. Always be a good neighbor and never do stuff that is as bad as this. (Mr. McFeely flies through window) Mr. McFeely! Are you okay?

MR. MCFEELY: Yes, Mr. Rogers. My wife got away and is staying with Chef Brockett. Our house has been destroyed! I am very scared of those guys. I was making a speedy delivery to the puppet house, when those guys came to me. They pushed me around, and they even punched a hole in my hat!

MR. ROGERS: There’s only one thing left to do. Take the trolley!

MR. MCFEELY: But it’s too small!

MR. ROGERS: I can hang on to the back of the trolley and you can hang on to my feet.

MR. MCFEELY: But it’s not strong enough!

MR. ROGERS: Stop being pessimistic! Let’s make believe that we are safe in the Neighborhood of Make Believe! Let’s go, trolley!

(Trolley moves, screeching its wheels, dragging Mr. Rogers and Mr. McFeely through tunnel. In the Neighborhood of Make Believe, King Friday overlooks arrival of Mr. Rogers. Bridge collapses under Mr. Roger’s weight.)

KING FRIDAY: Are you all right?

MR. ROGERS: Yes. We are very safe here.

MR. MCFEELY: Mr. Rogers! I’m stuck!

QUEEN SARA TUESDAY: Somebody help Mr. McFeely!

(Mr. McFeely is stuck in tunnel. Mr. Rogers walks over to tunnel and tries to pull him free. Suddenly Mr. McFeely shoots out from the tunnel and gang members’ faces can be seen.)

MR. MCFEELY: They pushed me out! Get rid of them!

(Suddenly, King Friday is yanked down and whapped around and thrown aside. Queen Sara Tuesday screams and is yanked and thrown aside. Castle is torn down as gang members appear. Mr. Rogers screams.)

GANG MEMBER: Oh, scream, Mr. Wogers! We are the rulers here. Everyone is hostage.

(One member with axe chops down tree with Henrietta Pussycat and X the Owl’s houses on it, while another member destroy Lady Elaine Fairechilde’s Museum-Go-Round and attacks her. Gang member pulls her head off and throws it aside.)

MR. MCFEELY: Oh, no! I don’t like what they’re doing to us. They’re giving us a bad name.

MR. ROGERS: (hysterically) Let’s get out of here! Move on quickly! Let’s not waste any time! Go! HALLP!

HONCHO: Hey, man, what’s the rush? Say, won’t you be my neighbor?

MR. ROGERS: Sure! (Honcho punches Mr. Rogers) It’s a pleasure to have you as a neighbor. You’re destroying my shows, and we’re supposed to keep things neat and organized.

HONCHO: SHUT UP! (picks up Mr. Rogers and throws him through the wall)

(CUT to Mr. Roger’s room, now a disaster)

MR. ROGERS: Well, normally, you can take the trolley to the Neighborhood of Make Believe, but, I guess there are other ways to get there, too. Well, it’s such a good feeling to know you’re alive… (sledgehammer flies through wall behind Mr. Rogers and knocks him down)

THE END

Apologies to Fred Rogers

Thomas Jefferson and the Software Pirates.

I just finished reading Thomas Jefferson and the Tripoli Pirates: The Forgotten War That Changed American History, a thrilling true story about a forgotten war between the United States and the Barbary states during Thomas Jefferson’s presidency. It is a triumph of diplomacy and military might that needs to be appreciated. I couldn’t help wonder how President Jefferson would handle a similar situation involving software pirates. Here’s my take.

The memo from the spy ring arrived at President Jefferson’s desk. Upon review his suspicions were confirmed. The software pirates were indeed in operation off the shores of Boston. By all accounts they appeared to be a flotilla of fishing boats complete with hundreds of fishing rods propped along the decks but the complete absence of fishing lines was the giveaway. The software pirates had finally been found.

Jefferson then dispatched the USS Diplomat in an attempt to negotiate with the software pirates. He promised them immunity from prosecution and steady jobs in exchange for cessation of their illegal operations. The pirates sent the Diplomat back to Washington with the single word reply, “LOL”.

Enraged, Jefferson dispatched the mighty warship USS FFFFUUUUUU to engage in combat with the software pirates. All it took was a single shot of the cannon to blow apart the pirate ship to tiny splinters and send the crew plunging into the sea to be transformed into shark poop.

Undeterred by the attack, the software pirates set up a hideout on a remote island they would call Pirate Bay for continuing their operations. Again it was detected by the Jefferson spy ring and the FFFFUUUUUU was sent to intervene. But this time the pirates were ready and had wrapped the island with giant rubber bands to deflect any flying cannon balls. To add insult to injury, they also sent a messenger to deliver the one-word taunt, “Problem?”

By now Jefferson could take no more. Assembling his staff of advisers and strategists, he utilized the last resort and proposed a raid of Pirate Bay. The soldiers came ashore disguised as palm trees and coconuts and took the pirates completely by surprise. Forced to surrender, the pirates were taken into custody and forced to operate the steam engine powered servers in use at the White House during Jefferson’s presidency, thus ending the early days of software piracy.

This early triumph of American military might was later immortalized in the famed Battle Hymn:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the troops going ashore
Dressed as palm trees and coconuts to fight a bloodless war
The pirates were surprised and couldn’t take it anymore
Our soldiers kicked their butts

Magic secrets revealed.

I was once employed by a world famous magician whom I will not identify here. After years of decent compensation, I was suddenly given a raw deal. Instead of getting mad, I choose to get even by revealing the secrets to some of  magic’s most mind boggling illusions, for I was the one who made them happen behind the scenes. While I did all the work, the magician got all the credit. This is an outrage, and all that changes right now.

  • The floating woman. There’s a reason she always wears a long dress. It’s to conceal the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. All I do is pull a lever and up she goes. Simple.
  • Cutting a woman in half. As she climbs in the box, her legs rest on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. I just need to push the lever to move her legs out of the way of the saw. Too easy.
  • Pulling a rabbit out of a hat. The box containing the rabbit is placed on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. After the magician places the empty hat on the podium, I pull a lever to lift the box under the podium so the magician can reach inside and pull out the rabbit.
  • Escapes. These are all done the same way, no matter how dangerous the escape may look. The key to unlock the chains is placed on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. After the magician is locked up and hidden from view, I just pull a lever for the magician to grab the key and perform the escape.
  • Card tricks. These too are all done the same way. The chosen card is placed on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. All I do is pull the lever and the magician is able to retrieve the card to do whatever card trick is being performed.

And there you have it, magic’s biggest secrets finally revealed. Not so magic now, is it?