Archive for the ‘comedy’ Category

The demise of Captain Kangaroo.

May 12, 2017

(Enter Captain Kangaroo. Moose is wearing armor.)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Hey, Moose, why are you wearing armor?

MOOSE: Why not?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well, it’s a nice day outside, so you don’t need a coat or anything like that.

MOOSE: So what?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: So if you wear something heavy then you’ll be hot. And being hot isn’t nice.

MOOSE: Well, I just wanted to try it on.

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: What for?

MOOSE: Oh, I don’t know. Say, would you like to read a poem for me?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Sure, I love to read poems.

MOOSE: Just read this. (produces paper)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well!

“Hold down those cheers
Because those spheres
Have grown teeth
To make things neat!”

That doesn’t make sense.

MOOSE: It what?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: I said, it doesn’t make sense.

MOOSE: Okay, guys.

(Ping pong balls with daggers fall on the Captain)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well, I guess it makes sense in one way or another, but the message itself is perfectly clear. (Collapses. Moose laughs.)

THE END

Apologies to Captain Kangaroo

Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood And The Motorcycle Gang.

May 12, 2017

What if there was an episode of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood in which a vicious motorcycle gang decides to drop by for a visit?

(Camera shows mini-diorama of street, littered and buildings spray-painted. Cut to Mr. Rogers’ house, untouched. Move camera to entrance. Enter Mr. Rogers, spray-painted and soaked by egg yolks. He sings his usual song, and then…)

MR. ROGERS: Hi, neighbor. I got attacked by some mean men. They wore black, and they drove noisy motorcycles. And then, one of them knocked over a garbage can and scattered the garbage all over the street. I hated them. And then, one of them came up to me and he said, “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I said yes, and then, that wimp picked up a trash can and socked me across the cheek. And then some other guys spray-painted me, and as I ran away, they threw eggs at me. I’m all right, kids, but this is something you should never do. (rock sails through window) Oh no, I’m surrounded. Let’s see what this note says: “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I sure will. Always be a good neighbor and never do stuff that is as bad as this. (Mr. McFeely flies through window) Mr. McFeely! Are you okay?

MR. MCFEELY: Yes, Mr. Rogers. My wife got away and is staying with Chef Brockett. Our house has been destroyed! I am very scared of those guys. I was making a speedy delivery to the puppet house, when those guys came to me. They pushed me around, and they even punched a hole in my hat!

MR. ROGERS: There’s only one thing left to do. Take the trolley!

MR. MCFEELY: But it’s too small!

MR. ROGERS: I can hang on to the back of the trolley and you can hang on to my feet.

MR. MCFEELY: But it’s not strong enough!

MR. ROGERS: Stop being pessimistic! Let’s make believe that we are safe in the Neighborhood of Make Believe! Let’s go, trolley!

(Trolley moves, screeching its wheels, dragging Mr. Rogers and Mr. McFeely through tunnel. In the Neighborhood of Make Believe, King Friday overlooks arrival of Mr. Rogers. Bridge collapses under Mr. Roger’s weight.)

KING FRIDAY: Are you all right?

MR. ROGERS: Yes. We are very safe here.

MR. MCFEELY: Mr. Rogers! I’m stuck!

QUEEN SARA TUESDAY: Somebody help Mr. McFeely!

(Mr. McFeely is stuck in tunnel. Mr. Rogers walks over to tunnel and tries to pull him free. Suddenly Mr. McFeely shoots out from the tunnel and gang members’ faces can be seen.)

MR. MCFEELY: They pushed me out! Get rid of them!

(Suddenly, King Friday is yanked down and whapped around and thrown aside. Queen Sara Tuesday screams and is yanked and thrown aside. Castle is torn down as gang members appear. Mr. Rogers screams.)

GANG MEMBER: Oh, scream, Mr. Wogers! We are the rulers here. Everyone is hostage.

(One member with axe chops down tree with Henrietta Pussycat and X the Owl’s houses on it, while another member destroy Lady Elaine Fairechilde’s Museum-Go-Round and attacks her. Gang member pulls her head off and throws it aside.)

MR. MCFEELY: Oh, no! I don’t like what they’re doing to us. They’re giving us a bad name.

MR. ROGERS: (hysterically) Let’s get out of here! Move on quickly! Let’s not waste any time! Go! HALLP!

HONCHO: Hey, man, what’s the rush? Say, won’t you be my neighbor?

MR. ROGERS: Sure! (Honcho punches Mr. Rogers) It’s a pleasure to have you as a neighbor. You’re destroying my shows, and we’re supposed to keep things neat and organized.

HONCHO: SHUT UP! (picks up Mr. Rogers and throws him through the wall)

(CUT to Mr. Roger’s room, now a disaster)

MR. ROGERS: Well, normally, you can take the trolley to the Neighborhood of Make Believe, but, I guess there are other ways to get there, too. Well, it’s such a good feeling to know you’re alive… (sledgehammer flies through wall behind Mr. Rogers and knocks him down)

THE END

Apologies to Fred Rogers

The Round Tuit.

March 11, 2017

At work yesterday I found a small, circular piece of wood in the parking lot. After pondering what to do with it, I took a marker and wrote two words on it to give the wood a newfound purpose.

IMG_-fbmgbb

I did say I’d get it done when I got a Round Tuit.

At the Benefit To Further Confuse Sweden.

February 20, 2017

He Dared To Stick His Head In A Vacuum Chamber. What Happened Next Was Terrifying

February 19, 2017

A GG Allin greeting card.

September 2, 2016

What if there were greeting cards with lyrics from the late punk singer GG Allin?

ggcard1 ggcard2

Thomas Jefferson and the Software Pirates.

June 19, 2016

I just finished reading Thomas Jefferson and the Tripoli Pirates: The Forgotten War That Changed American History, a thrilling true story about a forgotten war between the United States and the Barbary states during Thomas Jefferson’s presidency. It is a triumph of diplomacy and military might that needs to be appreciated. I couldn’t help wonder how President Jefferson would handle a similar situation involving software pirates. Here’s my take.

The memo from the spy ring arrived at President Jefferson’s desk. Upon review his suspicions were confirmed. The software pirates were indeed in operation off the shores of Boston. By all accounts they appeared to be a flotilla of fishing boats complete with hundreds of fishing rods propped along the decks but the complete absence of fishing lines was the giveaway. The software pirates had finally been found.

Jefferson then dispatched the USS Diplomat in an attempt to negotiate with the software pirates. He promised them immunity from prosecution and steady jobs in exchange for cessation of their illegal operations. The pirates sent the Diplomat back to Washington with the single word reply, “LOL”.

Enraged, Jefferson dispatched the mighty warship USS FFFFUUUUUU to engage in combat with the software pirates. All it took was a single shot of the cannon to blow apart the pirate ship to tiny splinters and send the crew plunging into the sea to be transformed into shark poop.

Undeterred by the attack, the software pirates set up a hideout on a remote island they would call Pirate Bay for continuing their operations. Again it was detected by the Jefferson spy ring and the FFFFUUUUUU was sent to intervene. But this time the pirates were ready and had wrapped the island with giant rubber bands to deflect any flying cannon balls. To add insult to injury, they also sent a messenger to deliver the one-word taunt, “Problem?”

By now Jefferson could take no more. Assembling his staff of advisers and strategists, he utilized the last resort and proposed a raid of Pirate Bay. The soldiers came ashore disguised as palm trees and coconuts and took the pirates completely by surprise. Forced to surrender, the pirates were taken into custody and forced to operate the steam engine powered servers in use at the White House during Jefferson’s presidency, thus ending the early days of software piracy.

This early triumph of American military might was later immortalized in the famed Battle Hymn:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the troops going ashore
Dressed as palm trees and coconuts to fight a bloodless war
The pirates were surprised and couldn’t take it anymore
Our soldiers kicked their butts

Magic secrets revealed.

April 5, 2016

I was once employed by a world famous magician whom I will not identify here. After years of decent compensation, I was suddenly given a raw deal. Instead of getting mad, I choose to get even by revealing the secrets to some of  magic’s most mind boggling illusions, for I was the one who made them happen behind the scenes. While I did all the work, the magician got all the credit. This is an outrage, and all that changes right now.

  • The floating woman. There’s a reason she always wears a long dress. It’s to conceal the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. All I do is pull a lever and up she goes. Simple.
  • Cutting a woman in half. As she climbs in the box, her legs rest on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. I just need to push the lever to move her legs out of the way of the saw. Too easy.
  • Pulling a rabbit out of a hat. The box containing the rabbit is placed on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. After the magician places the empty hat on the podium, I pull a lever to lift the box under the podium so the magician can reach inside and pull out the rabbit.
  • Escapes. These are all done the same way, no matter how dangerous the escape may look. The key to unlock the chains is placed on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. After the magician is locked up and hidden from view, I just pull a lever for the magician to grab the key and perform the escape.
  • Card tricks. These too are all done the same way. The chosen card is placed on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. All I do is pull the lever and the magician is able to retrieve the card to do whatever card trick is being performed.

And there you have it, magic’s biggest secrets finally revealed. Not so magic now, is it?

 

The toy collectors.

March 12, 2016

SCENE. IAN’S bedroom. IAN and STEVE enter, each carrying a small bag. They sit on IAN’S bed.

IAN: Well, here’s hoping our purchases today will complete our collections. (looks at a small shelf on the wall on which rest 4 superhero figurines clad in colorful costumes) So far I have the WehWeh, the WiiWii, the WohWoh and the WuWu, but I don’t have the WahWah.

STEVE: Well, I have the WahWah but I don’t have the WiiWii.

IAN: Let’s see what we bought, shall we? I’ll go first. (reaches in bag and pulls out a plain, sealed foil bag. He begins to open the foil bag.) Please let this be the WahWah, please let this be the WahWah, please let this be the WahWah. (pulls out figurine and then sighs) Aahhh, I got the WiiWii.

STEVE: (surprised) Y-you got the WiiWii.

IAN: But I already have a WiiWii, I want the WahWah.

STEVE: You wanna trade?

IAN: No trade until you open yours.

STEVE: Okay, here we go. (begins opening his foil bag) Please let this be the WiiWii, please let this be the WiiWii, please let this be the WiiWii. (pulls out figurine and then sighs) Aahhh, I got the WahWah.

IAN: (surprised) You got the WahWah?

STEVE: Trade you the WahWah for the WiiWii?

IAN: Done.

As The Stomach Belches.

March 11, 2016

Here’s another early work and one influenced by watching too many soap operas on TV.

SCENE. Restaurant. MASON and KATE.

KATE: Are you having a nice time here?

MASON: I sure am. I can’t wait until after dinner, because that’s where our romance begins.

KATE: Romance!

MASON: Yeah. I mean, who can take love more seriously as contained in one fine romance?

KATE: (leans forward) Do you know something? I think you will have a romance without me, and with someone else.

MASON: K-Kate! What are you talking about?

KATE: Don’t sound surprised, Mason. You surely know what’s going on inside you. You are dating Sharon.

MASON: Who told you that?

KATE: At a time like this, who’s interested? (gets up and leaves)

HOSPITAL. GARY and SUE.

GARY: I had to do this. I know you are a nurse here, but this is a private hospital. The only way I can get in here is if I have a bad problem.

SUE: That’s bad. (enter DOCTOR) Oh-oh.

GARY: You’re late, Henry, but better late than never! Pull up a chair! Sit down! Yes, Sire! It looks like it’s gonna be one of those days, but it should be fun! A challenge! AVAT!

DOCTOR: Mr. Gilbert, from now on, I’m going to be overlooking your therapy and treatment.

GARY: Well, doctor, if you don’t mind, then we had better consider the consequences. I would not mean to be exaggerant, but I would perish as an Englishman!

DOCTOR: An ENGLISHMAN?

GARY: Yeah, back when we celebrated the third century of the Magna Carta, I was the well recognized descendant of King John, eh doctor? And I must say the firecrackers were absolutely top drawer!

DOCTOR: I think you’ve got one of the rarer cases this hospital’s ever seen!

GARY: Rare? Why, we Roosevelts hardly use that word. Everything is as abundant as it is.

DOCTOR: I’ve never seen such subtle symptoms!

GARY: Indeed, my man, you are quite some kind of man who would not quit in life, who would go on and – ho! The Sire awaits! (stands)

DOCTOR: Maybe I’ll intensify your treatment some way. (exit)

SUE: What will we do now?

GARY: I don’t know. I’m getting nervous, and may even fall victim to these fake symptoms.

SCENE. Office. KEN and ATTORNEY.

KEN: I am telling you I did not hit Suzie!

ATTORNEY: I heard that already.

KEN: I just want to clarify that statement. I’m getting nervous. Really nervous.

ATTORNEY: Don’t worry. Leave it to me. As your attorney, I have the power to regulate the law. Relax. You’ll pass through just fine. I promise. (pause) According to this book, the attorney can control the judiciary society! See! (hands book to KEN.)

KEN: Ah! But – what’s this paper? “Kenneth Slaughterly abused Suzanne Charleston. I saw it all. Period. Signed, Dan Slaughterly.” That’s my dad! (pause) I thought you were going to help me! Will you please tell me what’s going on? Really, are you trying to throw me or WHAT!

ATTORNEY: Relax, Ken!

KEN: NO! (pause) it looks as if we’ll have another case in the works.

ATTORNEY: What case?

KEN: Me versus you! (leaves)

RESTAURANT. MASON, sitting by himself.

MASON: What did I do to deserve this? Couldn’t I just have two romances at the same time, and control them? Sharon and Kate are such lovely women, and I can balance romances and – (sighs) Oh! Why did I have to get into this in the first place?

(enter STOMACH, a stomach-shaped creature with legs, and sits)

Can you help me?

STOMACH: BELCH! BLAAACCCHHH!

(enter KATE and SHARON, running)

KATE: I’m sorry, Mason!

SHARON: What shall we do tonight?

KATE: It’s all up to you, Mason. It’s all up to you.

HOSPITAL. GARY and SUE.

SUE: What was it you wanted to tell me?

GARY: That a new neighbor moved into the empty house next door. Real handsome guy. About 23 years old.

SUE: Wow…

(enter DOCTOR)

DOCTOR: Gary, we shall begin with an injection of hormones that will control your speech.

GARY: Oh! Hail, doctor! I don’t take injections.

DOCTOR: You must, Gary, you MUST!

(enter STOMACH, running)

STOMACH: BELCH! BLAAAAACHH! (exit)

DOCTOR: Good heavens! (tosses needle, needle explodes. DOCTOR flees, screaming. GARY and SUE embrace.)

OFFICE. KEN and ATTORNEY.

ATTORNEY: You will not start a new case! Period!

KEN: I have power, too, you know! I declare you a TRAITOR!

ATTORNEY: (gasps) Then I will have you promptly arrested.

(STOMACH runs across background, burping)

STOMACH: BELCH! BLACCHH!!

ATTORNEY: Now listen, young man. You have no right to do this. (begins inflating, swelling and becoming fatter) As a man in the lower level of society, you cannot even touch me as a working system. I’m in it, and you are out. Period. Now, Ken, would you mind telling me what’s do funny? (explodes. KEN flees)

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for AS THE ANUS FARTS. Good night.