Some random jokes.

Here’s the output from a joke generator I created using AutoIt. Like my other generator scripts, this one randomly selects words from various arrays to generate a completely random joke along with an equally random punchline. Who knows, maybe with some fine tuning and larger arrays, this script could generate some genuinely funny jokes. For now, here’s what I came up with.

What did the dummy say to the bird?
Stop acting like a loud bandage.

What did the boat say to the door?
Keep this up and you’ll be a sober potato.

What did the fish say to the flea?
Keep this up and you’ll be a stinky tape.

Did you hear the one about the pencil and the actor?
A stupid blast.

Did you hear the one about the cat and the singer?
A dizzy stump.

What did the pencil say to the clown?
It sure looks like you got hit in the face by a musical joke.

What did the car say to the lamp?
I think you got ran over by a magnetic fall.

What did the doctor say to the clown?
Keep this up and you’ll be a bouncy breeze.

What did the robber say to the flower?
I think you got ran over by a cold breeze.

What did the cat say to the lamp?
Ah, go invent a musical movie.

What did the mouse say to the tree?
Boy, you sure smell like a hot potato.

Did you hear the one about the pin and the sneaker?
It sounded like a noxious potato.

Christmas shopping.

From A Prairie Home Companion’s Pretty Good Joke of the Day:

A couple was shopping on Christmas Eve, and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her cellphone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, “Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?” The wife started to cry and said, “Yes, I remember that jewelry store.”

Husband: “Well, I’m in the bar right next to it.”

News from the chess tournament.

From A Prairie Home Companion’s Pretty Good Joke of the Day:

A big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day’s competition, several of the players were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel bragging about their various matches. After a while, the desk clerk walked over to them and told them to clear out. One of the competitors asked why. “We’re not causing any trouble!”, he said. The clerk scowled at him and said, “I’m sorry, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A tale of a tired dog.

tireddog

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

Logically speaking.

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.”

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic.

“Logic?” Jim says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I presume you have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think that logically speaking, you have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“Yes, I have a family.”

“So, because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing! You were able to find out all of that just because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class, Jim shakes the dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes and how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”

“I’ll give you an example,” says Jim. “Do you have a weed eater?”

“No.”

“Then you’re gay.”

How to sing the blues.

1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. For instance: “I got a good woman – with the meanest dog in town.”

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

“Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.”

4. The blues are not about limitless choice. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues. So does fixin’ to die.

5. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

6. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

7. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

8. You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is wrong.

9. Good places for the blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed

10. Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see
b. you’re deaf
c. you have a trust fund

13. Neither Julio Iglesias or Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14a. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues. Other blues beverages are:

a. wine
b. Irish whiskey

14b. Muddy Water blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or shotgun shack, it’s a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some blues names for women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17. Some blues names for men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

18. Other blues names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)