Pi: The Play.

(Man #1 is sitting at his desk. A knock is heard offstage.)

​Man #1: 3.14.

(Man #2 nervously enters)

​Man #2: (tentatively) 1592653?

​Man #1: 589793. (motions to seat. Man #2 sits down) 23846?

​Man #2: 26433832795.

Man #1: (angrily) 0!

Man  #2: (defensively) 2!

Man #1: (stands up, very angry) 8!

Man #2: (stands up, also angry) 8!

Man #1: (shouting) 4197169?

Man #2: 3!

Man #1: 9937510582!

Man #2: 0974944!

(The two men stare at each other in silence)

Man #1: 59?

Man #2: 23.

(The two men shake hands before Man #2 exits. Man #1 sits back down behind his desk and resumes working.)

FIN

The Salesman.

SCENE – Store.

BOSS: Now, Bud, wiser men prosper –

BUD: No, Miller Light men prosper most.

BOSS: Huh?

BUD: What?

(Enter 2 customers)

BOSS: Forget it. Here are your customers.

BUD: Oh – (walks up to customers) Can I help you?

CUSTOMER ONE: I’d like to buy a pair of jeans for him. (points to Customer Two) My son.

BUD: Okay, step this way. I recommend Levi’s jeans. They’re made in the U.S.A., and –

CUSTOMER ONE: So what! Let’s buy these Swapaki jeans. They’re cheaper, too. Size 34, please.

BUD: No! Buy Levi’s. Did you know that those Swapaki jeans are Japanese jeans?

CUSTOMER ONE: They are! Well, let’s get ’em. Size 34.

BUD: When you fart in those jeans, people hear a loud “Skrappafftabbubbulbb!” and that’s embarrassing.

CUSTOMER ONE: No, we’ll take the Japanese jeans anyway.

BUD: And – And those jeans will blow up upon being stretched!

CUSTOMER ONE: Bull! Here, Son. Try these on.

(Customer Two takes the jeans and goes to dressing room at left. Door closes. Then, a loud “Skrappafftabbubbulbb” followed by a loud pop. Door opens, and Customer Two steps out with tattered jeans.)

CUSTOMER ONE: (sighs) Levi’s it is. Size 34.

BUD: Good choice! You’ll receive a 10% discount plus an additional 30% savings –

BOSS: BUD – OUR PROFITS –

BUD: Heh? (pause) – Oh, and you’ll get a 40% deduction from your personal savings.

CUSTOMER ONE: Sure, sure.

BUD: (at cash register) That’ll be 29 dollars. (Customer One pays money) Thank you! (Exit customers) Well, another successful sale.

BOSS: Yes, but you must remember, Bud, wiser men prosper.

BUD: No, Miller Light men prosper most.

(BOSS and BUD exit at opposite ends of stage)

END

The Heckler.

SCENE – Dinner table. Mac and his wife seated. Mac is reading a newspaper.

MAC: (throws down paper) Darn!

WIFE: What’s wrong?

MAC: Tom Wilson is seeking office for mayor! He wants to sell this town to Metropolis!

WIFE: We do have a small town.

MAC: Yeah, even a toddler could jump over it in a single bound. Lissen, he’s going to give a speech tonight at the city hall. I’m thinking of throwing him out, so we can have Zachary Tipper back as a mayor with enough attitude to keep an old town the way it has been for 70 years. Nice, small, and independent. I gotta get ready to go.

WIFE: Well, okay. Just don’t get yourself in too much trouble.

SCENE – City hall. 30 citizens facing Wilson. Mac is in rear.

WILSON: People, I have raised over 10,000 dollars to help our community during the last 3 months.

MAC: That’s nothing. I can raise 25 dollars in 2 seconds.

WILSON: How?

MAC: By raising my wallet.

WILSON: Officers, keep an eye on the man in that back row. Thanks. (clears throat) Now, selling our town to Metropolis will create thousands of jobs that will blend our town in with the rest.

MAC: The rest of what? Of eternity?

WILSON: Shut up! (pause) Excuse me. But, I will have to raise a whopping 50 thousand dollars for this process to begin.

MAC: I don’t think you can.

WILSON: Now what’s wrong with that?

MAC: You’ll never find 50 thousand dollars that can whop.

WILSON: Officers, remove that man!

MAC: Stop! Mr. Wilson, you’re a nice guy.

WILSON: Huh? Well, uh –

MAC: You are popular and handsome.

WILSON: Gee, thanks!

MAC: You would make a thousand women follow you!

WILSON: Wow, thank you! That will do! You give nice comments, sir.

MAC: Enjoy them, my man, ’cause I ain’t lettin’ ya run for mayor! (charges up to stage)

SCENE – Breakfast table. Mac and wife. Mac reading newspaper.

WIFE: Why are you smiling?

MAC: Wilson has resigned, and good ol’ Tipper’s back as mayor.

WIFE: I’m proud of you, Mac. You really do have that town spirit.

MAC: Yeah, but one thing.

WIFE: What?

MAC: I don’t believe in ghosts.

END

The Nastyheroes, Part 2.

SCENE 6

SCENE. Countryside. GUNMAN and CLUMSYMAN have just buried the bombs and ready to detonate them upon Rohtul’s request.

GUNMAN: There. Now all we have to do is head back home and tell Rohtul we are ready. Clumsyman, let’s make sure the bombs are completely concealed before we leave.

CLUMSYMAN: How?

GUNMAN: I can’t believe you don’t know how. Scatter seaweed, for goodness sakes!

CLUMSYMAN: Oh. Whoa! (falls)

GUNMAN: And he stumbles as he walks but never in thought, eh? Maybe that needs a little revision.

SCENE 7

SCENE. Laboratory. ROHTUL and FOULDITE enter.

ROHTUL: I cannot believe you can do this to me. The bombs are ready to be blown up right now and you’re asking for money?

FOULDITE: Yes. My services are not free. I will sell you a detonator for about 500 dollars.

ROHTUL: Cukoo! I don’t have any money.

FOULDITE: Well, we had better get something worked out. I give you the detonator and you will give me part of your new land.

ROHTUL: Never! I will pay you. Boy in Black! Come in here!

(enter BOY)

BOY IN BLACK: Yes, Sire, Your Darkness.

ROHTUL: Steal 500 dollars from the bank and give it to me. And I need it immediately.

FOULDITE: Hey, I see you wearing black every day. Don’t you have anything else to wear?

BOY IN BLACK: Never. I must wear it or otherwise I’ll be too attractive.

ROHTUL: Ah, he’s full of putdowns. Blackie, do your duty.

SCENE 8

SCENE. Bank. Bank Guard stands in front of a vault. Enter BOY IN BLACK.

GUARD: Hey, sonny, what’s your problem?

BOY: Are you talking to me?

GUARD: Yes, I am.

BOY: Oh! Well, I have no problem actually, since nobody’s perfect, but I guess I fit in the category anyway.

GUARD: I should say! You’ve got black on all over you. Why?

BOY: Would you believe this is a robber’s outfit?

GUARD: No.

BOY: This is a robber’s outfit. I want you to open the vault and let me take 500 dollars. It is urgent.

GUARD: And why is that?

BOY: Well, this black outfit is to camouflage me in the darkness from my tax collector. I owe 25 years in taxes.

GUARD: Are you willing to pay it back?

BOY: Yes!

GUARD: How?

BOY: 500 hours of centerfolds of Playboy?

GUARD: No, I’m anti-porn. Gimme something else.

BOY: How about closing a deal with Rohtul?

GUARD: Rohtul! Good God! I’d drink hydrochloric acid and ooze between his toes. Then, I’d be clear. Here, I’ll open the vault. Take what you need – no, no. Take the whole thing. And don’t give it back!

(flees)

BOY: This job is so rewarding. (goes in vault and takes entire money of vault) You just can’t see the benefits.

SCENE 9

SCENE. Laboratory. NASTYHEROES, ROHTUL, FOULDITE. Enter BOY IN BLACK.

BOY: I got the whole vault right behind my back, and a hernia right on me.

ROHTUL: Good! Here is the loot! And 500 dollars is yours to keep.

FOULDITE: Very well. Here is the detonator. Too bad I couldn’t get part of the new land. I could make good use of it.

ROHTUL: What use?

FOULDITE: Well, make it a leading nuclear port and – oh well, it’s yours, and our deal is closed.

ROHTUL: And, I will hit the ol’ button and –

(hits button. California blows up, leaving no land at all. Just California erased. ROHTUL laughs, assuming the job has been done. Some INDIANS climb through the roof and land on ROHTUL.)

INDIAN 1: Wow! That big flight take me to see world as from eagle view!

INDIAN 2: Yeah, and I wish to go on another ride.

ROHTUL: Off of me, you sausages!

INDIAN 1: Who call sausages?

ROHTUL: YOU!

INDIAN 2: Yeah, us, he call us banana peel.

ROHTUL: Yeah, and banana peel too. Get off me! (stands up) How did you get in here?

INDIAN 1: We follow you because you go funny. Lady drive off road and over rattlesnakes and into cactus. We laugh and follow more.

INDIAN 2: I like man who fall. He make me laugh and follow more.

(enter FBI)

FBI AGENT 1: So you were the one that crashed into the armor truck.

FBI AGENT 2: It was a woman. Ah yes, that one. We are arresting you guys for hit-and-run driving, resisting arrest and plotting to destroy the nation.

FBI AGENT 3: (smoking and sizzling, all black from smoke) And I saved the world.

SCENE 10

JUDGE: We are gathered here tonight to observe the trial of these Nastyheroes, whom they plotted to overtake our country and eventually the world. Will the lawyer for Xam Rohtul please speak?

FOULDITE: Hey, Rohtul isn’t so bad. He just wants to create an empire that will create jobs and therefore help the state’s economy. Why is there debate and arguments over that? You tell me why and perhaps we can work something out.

JUDGE: I cannot operate to work out something with you. Just defend the accused.

FOULDITE: How? Well, I cannot. He is innocent as anyone can be? He is an ambitious person and he wants to accomplish something, and with the efforts, he is succeeding.

JUDGE: The jury will retire.

(lights darken)

Do you have a verdict? If so, what is it?

JURY: We find the Nastyheroes guilty of conspiring to destroy the nation.

NASTYHEROES: WHAT? (all explode)

ROHTUL: NO! My creations! They’re gone! (explodes)

JUDGE: Case closed. And they saved us money by executing themselves! How nice!

ROHTUL’S VOICE: Easy for you to say!

THE END

The Nastyheroes, Part 1.

Here’s another one of my earlier works.

CAST – Gunman, Clumsyman, Compasswoman, Rohtul, Repusnam, Bank Guard, Old Woman, FBI Agents, Indians, 5 Residents, Jury (12 people), Grand Judge, Newspeople, Gang (5), Ohcuh Honcho, Fouldite, Boy In Black

SCENE 1

SETTING – Laboratory. Left of stage are 3 huge boxes. Thunder and lightning. Enter ROHTUL.

ROHTUL: On this miserable night,
I hope to cheer it up for me
By opening the doors to my insides
And releasing the Spirits of Talent
As they spring to life these creations
That will soon dominate all the world
That they shall show that Xam Rohtul
Cannot be, will not be, and never be underestimated.

[Throws switch. Open boxes. Enter GUNMAN, CLUMSYMAN and COMPASSWOMAN]

They move! They are mine,
And wait until they show the world
Who’s coming their way. Gunman has the gun
By which he can fire swiftly and quickly.
Clumsyman, through a mutual accident,
Stumbles as he walks, but does he not,
Stumble in thought! Compasswoman,
My lovely lady, can point North and lead us
Out of Dark Jungles! But, they can move,
But can they speak? Speak!

GUNMAN: Say what?
In these divisions of human technology
Where Man recreates himself through robotics
And he cannot possibly leave us to prosper
The world, because robotics have a masters
Who have a purpose. What is yours?

ROHTUL: What! Know you knot,
Of mankind and his knowledge can make
Himself once again. But, as you know,
He is vulnerable to mankind weapons,
Which can down him and we will never see
Him again! Not robots! Robots, with a powerful
Sense to stop weapons from destroying him,
Have rough metal skinshields and it all makes him
Indestructible to all!

CLUMSYMAN: Who are you, who has created us
And decided to control us? Whoa! (falls)

ROHTUL: I am Rohtul, the evil one. I can make
Anything, including superb robots who can watch
Police wasting time chasing their masters,
Whilst in part can they ride to chase
Their own! POLICE! Ha!

COMPASSWOMAN: Where are we headed?

ROHTUL: California, to destroy its countryside.
But to leave a little bit for me, which will be yours.
You will go to California to destroy its own,
Then set bombs and you will all blow it up
And watch it sink! Hello, Rohlanda! Cities under mine
Will come and I will be next to my destiny,
RICH! Go now, for the sooner, the better!

[Exeunt all but ROHTUL.]

O Kod, help me and my creations!
Despite their fact, that the revaluations
Of Life and mine will keep
Bless me in my tonight’s sleep.

[EXIT]

SCENE 2

SCENE. Alley. Daytime. Alley is littered. ENTER 5 gangsters and OHCUH HONCHO and NASTYHEROES.

HONCHO: Hey, man, yo trespassin’ our dog poop garden, an’ yoo step on it, an’ you makes it GROW!

GUNMAN: Well, I hope you don’t mind us passing, because we’re off to California.

1: Ha! Off to Californy!

2: Simply outrageous.

3: What’ll we do now, Honcho?

HONCHO: Dunno. Why don’ we ask ’em, if dey comes from Okahoma?

CLUMSYMAN: (stepping up) You mean OKLAhoma.

HONCHO: No, OAKahoma. Des dudes looks like dey comes outta oak trees.

4: That’s funny!

HONCHO: Shut up or I’ll kick ya out of da club. I broke ma foot kickin’ da last on’ out, so, I doan wants ta dos it again.

[Exit NASTYHEROES]

2: Simply outrageous.

HONCHO: What is?

2: They’re gone.

HONCHO: Huh? (turns) Gone!

2: Simply outrageous.

HONCHO: I’ll KICKS ya out!

5: We gotta hava plan. We got to follow these guys. Did you notice one of them having in his hand a gun?

HONCHO: A gun! We gots to follow those guys.

5: That’s what I said.

HONCHO: Good for you. Let’s go.

[exeunt all]

SCENE 3

SCENE. Busy street. Enter OLD WOMAN with bags.

OLD WOMAN: Pity me! These cars are stupid. Right of way laws –

(enter GANG)

HONCHO: Did you see a guy with a gun? (WOMAN screams) I guess not. Danks. Let’s go.

(exit GANG)

WOMAN: (screaming) Help! Help! Help! Some people asked me if I had a gun! Er, some people asked me if somebody had a gun. I may not have a gun, but somebody else has!

(RESPUSMAN lands.)

RESPUSMAN: What’s wrong?

WOMAN: Some people asked me if I had a gun. Er, some people asked me if somebody had a gun. I may not have a gun, but somebody else has!

RESPUSMAN: Oh no! (hurls himself out into street. Car hits him, knocks driver out of car.) Sorry! (takes off into flight.)

WOMAN: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHH! THAT’S THE PROBLEM WITH THIS TOWN!

SCENE 4

SCENE. Countryside. Enter GUNMAN, CLUMSYMAN.

GUNMAN: Where’s Compasswoman?

CLUMSYMAN: She’s gone north.

GUNMAN: It figures. Rohtul said to plant the bombs around here, but we would too much of it. Er, we would LOSE too much of it.

(enter HONCHO)

Look who’s here!

HONCHO: What’cha doin’ in California?

GUNMAN: We are –

CLUMSYMAN: Not going to tell you. This is top secret. Rohtul sent us.

HONCHO: Well, I’ll drink oil and gasoline! I’d better get outta here!

(exeunt HONCHO)

GUNMAN: Heh – We got rid of him. Now to plant the bombs.

(enter FBI agents)

FBI 1: Not to fast there! We’re here to throw you in jail and save California!

GUNMAN: Well, I’ve got a gun in my hand that will finish you off if you don’t scram!

FBI 2: We’ve got guns, too!

GUNMAN: Hey! You’ve got guns! Hey, Clumsy, they’ve got guns!

FBI 3: Yeah, we’ve got guns.

GUNMAN: Fire!

(they fire. FBI flees.)

Let’s plant them now.

SER – (How do you say “continued” in Spanish?)