The demise of Captain Kangaroo.

(Enter Captain Kangaroo. Moose is wearing armor.)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Hey, Moose, why are you wearing armor?

MOOSE: Why not?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well, it’s a nice day outside, so you don’t need a coat or anything like that.

MOOSE: So what?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: So if you wear something heavy then you’ll be hot. And being hot isn’t nice.

MOOSE: Well, I just wanted to try it on.


MOOSE: Oh, I don’t know. Say, would you like to read a poem for me?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Sure, I love to read poems.

MOOSE: Just read this. (produces paper)


“Hold down those cheers
Because those spheres
Have grown teeth
To make things neat!”

That doesn’t make sense.

MOOSE: It what?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: I said, it doesn’t make sense.

MOOSE: Okay, guys.

(Ping pong balls with daggers fall on the Captain)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well, I guess it makes sense in one way or another, but the message itself is perfectly clear. (Collapses. Moose laughs.)


Apologies to Captain Kangaroo

Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood And The Motorcycle Gang.

What if there was an episode of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood in which a vicious motorcycle gang decides to drop by for a visit?

(Camera shows mini-diorama of street, littered and buildings spray-painted. Cut to Mr. Rogers’ house, untouched. Move camera to entrance. Enter Mr. Rogers, spray-painted and soaked by egg yolks. He sings his usual song, and then…)

MR. ROGERS: Hi, neighbor. I got attacked by some mean men. They wore black, and they drove noisy motorcycles. And then, one of them knocked over a garbage can and scattered the garbage all over the street. I hated them. And then, one of them came up to me and he said, “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I said yes, and then, that wimp picked up a trash can and socked me across the cheek. And then some other guys spray-painted me, and as I ran away, they threw eggs at me. I’m all right, kids, but this is something you should never do. (rock sails through window) Oh no, I’m surrounded. Let’s see what this note says: “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I sure will. Always be a good neighbor and never do stuff that is as bad as this. (Mr. McFeely flies through window) Mr. McFeely! Are you okay?

MR. MCFEELY: Yes, Mr. Rogers. My wife got away and is staying with Chef Brockett. Our house has been destroyed! I am very scared of those guys. I was making a speedy delivery to the puppet house, when those guys came to me. They pushed me around, and they even punched a hole in my hat!

MR. ROGERS: There’s only one thing left to do. Take the trolley!

MR. MCFEELY: But it’s too small!

MR. ROGERS: I can hang on to the back of the trolley and you can hang on to my feet.

MR. MCFEELY: But it’s not strong enough!

MR. ROGERS: Stop being pessimistic! Let’s make believe that we are safe in the Neighborhood of Make Believe! Let’s go, trolley!

(Trolley moves, screeching its wheels, dragging Mr. Rogers and Mr. McFeely through tunnel. In the Neighborhood of Make Believe, King Friday overlooks arrival of Mr. Rogers. Bridge collapses under Mr. Roger’s weight.)

KING FRIDAY: Are you all right?

MR. ROGERS: Yes. We are very safe here.

MR. MCFEELY: Mr. Rogers! I’m stuck!

QUEEN SARA TUESDAY: Somebody help Mr. McFeely!

(Mr. McFeely is stuck in tunnel. Mr. Rogers walks over to tunnel and tries to pull him free. Suddenly Mr. McFeely shoots out from the tunnel and gang members’ faces can be seen.)

MR. MCFEELY: They pushed me out! Get rid of them!

(Suddenly, King Friday is yanked down and whapped around and thrown aside. Queen Sara Tuesday screams and is yanked and thrown aside. Castle is torn down as gang members appear. Mr. Rogers screams.)

GANG MEMBER: Oh, scream, Mr. Wogers! We are the rulers here. Everyone is hostage.

(One member with axe chops down tree with Henrietta Pussycat and X the Owl’s houses on it, while another member destroy Lady Elaine Fairechilde’s Museum-Go-Round and attacks her. Gang member pulls her head off and throws it aside.)

MR. MCFEELY: Oh, no! I don’t like what they’re doing to us. They’re giving us a bad name.

MR. ROGERS: (hysterically) Let’s get out of here! Move on quickly! Let’s not waste any time! Go! HALLP!

HONCHO: Hey, man, what’s the rush? Say, won’t you be my neighbor?

MR. ROGERS: Sure! (Honcho punches Mr. Rogers) It’s a pleasure to have you as a neighbor. You’re destroying my shows, and we’re supposed to keep things neat and organized.

HONCHO: SHUT UP! (picks up Mr. Rogers and throws him through the wall)

(CUT to Mr. Roger’s room, now a disaster)

MR. ROGERS: Well, normally, you can take the trolley to the Neighborhood of Make Believe, but, I guess there are other ways to get there, too. Well, it’s such a good feeling to know you’re alive… (sledgehammer flies through wall behind Mr. Rogers and knocks him down)


Apologies to Fred Rogers

Magic secrets revealed.

I was once employed by a world famous magician whom I will not identify here. After years of decent compensation, I was suddenly given a raw deal. Instead of getting mad, I choose to get even by revealing the secrets to some of  magic’s most mind boggling illusions, for I was the one who made them happen behind the scenes. While I did all the work, the magician got all the credit. This is an outrage, and all that changes right now.

  • The floating woman. There’s a reason she always wears a long dress. It’s to conceal the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. All I do is pull a lever and up she goes. Simple.
  • Cutting a woman in half. As she climbs in the box, her legs rest on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. I just need to push the lever to move her legs out of the way of the saw. Too easy.
  • Pulling a rabbit out of a hat. The box containing the rabbit is placed on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. After the magician places the empty hat on the podium, I pull a lever to lift the box under the podium so the magician can reach inside and pull out the rabbit.
  • Escapes. These are all done the same way, no matter how dangerous the escape may look. The key to unlock the chains is placed on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. After the magician is locked up and hidden from view, I just pull a lever for the magician to grab the key and perform the escape.
  • Card tricks. These too are all done the same way. The chosen card is placed on the prongs of my forklift parked behind the curtain. All I do is pull the lever and the magician is able to retrieve the card to do whatever card trick is being performed.

And there you have it, magic’s biggest secrets finally revealed. Not so magic now, is it?


The toy collectors.

SCENE. IAN’S bedroom. IAN and STEVE enter, each carrying a small bag. They sit on IAN’S bed.

IAN: Well, here’s hoping our purchases today will complete our collections. (looks at a small shelf on the wall on which rest 4 superhero figurines clad in colorful costumes) So far I have the WehWeh, the WiiWii, the WohWoh and the WuWu, but I don’t have the WahWah.

STEVE: Well, I have the WahWah but I don’t have the WiiWii.

IAN: Let’s see what we bought, shall we? I’ll go first. (reaches in bag and pulls out a plain, sealed foil bag. He begins to open the foil bag.) Please let this be the WahWah, please let this be the WahWah, please let this be the WahWah. (pulls out figurine and then sighs) Aahhh, I got the WiiWii.

STEVE: (surprised) Y-you got the WiiWii.

IAN: But I already have a WiiWii, I want the WahWah.

STEVE: You wanna trade?

IAN: No trade until you open yours.

STEVE: Okay, here we go. (begins opening his foil bag) Please let this be the WiiWii, please let this be the WiiWii, please let this be the WiiWii. (pulls out figurine and then sighs) Aahhh, I got the WahWah.

IAN: (surprised) You got the WahWah?

STEVE: Trade you the WahWah for the WiiWii?

IAN: Done.

As The Stomach Belches.

Here’s another early work and one influenced by watching too many soap operas on TV.

SCENE. Restaurant. MASON and KATE.

KATE: Are you having a nice time here?

MASON: I sure am. I can’t wait until after dinner, because that’s where our romance begins.

KATE: Romance!

MASON: Yeah. I mean, who can take love more seriously as contained in one fine romance?

KATE: (leans forward) Do you know something? I think you will have a romance without me, and with someone else.

MASON: K-Kate! What are you talking about?

KATE: Don’t sound surprised, Mason. You surely know what’s going on inside you. You are dating Sharon.

MASON: Who told you that?

KATE: At a time like this, who’s interested? (gets up and leaves)


GARY: I had to do this. I know you are a nurse here, but this is a private hospital. The only way I can get in here is if I have a bad problem.

SUE: That’s bad. (enter DOCTOR) Oh-oh.

GARY: You’re late, Henry, but better late than never! Pull up a chair! Sit down! Yes, Sire! It looks like it’s gonna be one of those days, but it should be fun! A challenge! AVAT!

DOCTOR: Mr. Gilbert, from now on, I’m going to be overlooking your therapy and treatment.

GARY: Well, doctor, if you don’t mind, then we had better consider the consequences. I would not mean to be exaggerant, but I would perish as an Englishman!


GARY: Yeah, back when we celebrated the third century of the Magna Carta, I was the well recognized descendant of King John, eh doctor? And I must say the firecrackers were absolutely top drawer!

DOCTOR: I think you’ve got one of the rarer cases this hospital’s ever seen!

GARY: Rare? Why, we Roosevelts hardly use that word. Everything is as abundant as it is.

DOCTOR: I’ve never seen such subtle symptoms!

GARY: Indeed, my man, you are quite some kind of man who would not quit in life, who would go on and – ho! The Sire awaits! (stands)

DOCTOR: Maybe I’ll intensify your treatment some way. (exit)

SUE: What will we do now?

GARY: I don’t know. I’m getting nervous, and may even fall victim to these fake symptoms.


KEN: I am telling you I did not hit Suzie!

ATTORNEY: I heard that already.

KEN: I just want to clarify that statement. I’m getting nervous. Really nervous.

ATTORNEY: Don’t worry. Leave it to me. As your attorney, I have the power to regulate the law. Relax. You’ll pass through just fine. I promise. (pause) According to this book, the attorney can control the judiciary society! See! (hands book to KEN.)

KEN: Ah! But – what’s this paper? “Kenneth Slaughterly abused Suzanne Charleston. I saw it all. Period. Signed, Dan Slaughterly.” That’s my dad! (pause) I thought you were going to help me! Will you please tell me what’s going on? Really, are you trying to throw me or WHAT!

ATTORNEY: Relax, Ken!

KEN: NO! (pause) it looks as if we’ll have another case in the works.

ATTORNEY: What case?

KEN: Me versus you! (leaves)

RESTAURANT. MASON, sitting by himself.

MASON: What did I do to deserve this? Couldn’t I just have two romances at the same time, and control them? Sharon and Kate are such lovely women, and I can balance romances and – (sighs) Oh! Why did I have to get into this in the first place?

(enter STOMACH, a stomach-shaped creature with legs, and sits)

Can you help me?


(enter KATE and SHARON, running)

KATE: I’m sorry, Mason!

SHARON: What shall we do tonight?

KATE: It’s all up to you, Mason. It’s all up to you.


SUE: What was it you wanted to tell me?

GARY: That a new neighbor moved into the empty house next door. Real handsome guy. About 23 years old.

SUE: Wow…

(enter DOCTOR)

DOCTOR: Gary, we shall begin with an injection of hormones that will control your speech.

GARY: Oh! Hail, doctor! I don’t take injections.

DOCTOR: You must, Gary, you MUST!

(enter STOMACH, running)


DOCTOR: Good heavens! (tosses needle, needle explodes. DOCTOR flees, screaming. GARY and SUE embrace.)


ATTORNEY: You will not start a new case! Period!

KEN: I have power, too, you know! I declare you a TRAITOR!

ATTORNEY: (gasps) Then I will have you promptly arrested.

(STOMACH runs across background, burping)


ATTORNEY: Now listen, young man. You have no right to do this. (begins inflating, swelling and becoming fatter) As a man in the lower level of society, you cannot even touch me as a working system. I’m in it, and you are out. Period. Now, Ken, would you mind telling me what’s do funny? (explodes. KEN flees)

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for AS THE ANUS FARTS. Good night.

Burnt out Light Bulbs in the Middle of the Day.

From another of my old journal books comes this brave attempt at writing a comedy sketch.

Announcer: And now, Burnt out Light Bulbs in the Middle of the Day! With your host, Vince Votski!

Vince: Hello, everybody! Welcome to a half-hour of comedy and great entertainment. Among my guests are Leon Fartski, who has a musical fart, and Ron Stovins, who has driven all over the world, offering free rides to the poor, and finally, Steve Marsto, a guy who just wants to be on TV. It’s a great hour split in half waiting for you. And the fun gets started right after this.

< C O M M E R C I A L S >

Vince: Welcome back. Now I have some interesting people on my show. Yes, it is true that people excel in musical instruments, but, it is very rare for people to use their body parts to create not ugly sounds, but beautiful, harmonious music! Will you please welcome Leon Fartski!

(enter Leon)

Welcome to my show.

Leon: Thank you.

Vince: Now, you can use your body parts to make music.

Leon: Yes, it is gas formed at the midspoint of the large intestine and forced outward by internal peristalsis and forces the outer skin to burp outward. It is otherwise known as farting.

Vince: Ah, and you can make music with your- your- ah- rear end. (laughter)

Leon: Let me play for you Mary Had A Little Lamb.

(farts tune)

Vince: Wow, that is unbelievable!

Leon: I know. You have to expel the gas just the right blast and note. It takes a lot of practice. Let me play The Old Man’s Snore.

(expels loud, long blast)

Ouch! (laughter) Well, that’s all I feel like blasting out today.

Vince: Oh, that’s all right, because we still have two more guests still to come. Stay with us.

< C O M M E R C I A L S >

Vince: Welcome back. Today’s world has lots of problems, and there are lots of people who care to help. Among these is my next guest. Will you please welcome Ron Stovins.

(enter Ron)

Welcome to my show.

Ron: Thank you.

Vince: It is a nice thing you do for the poor. Sort of makes them feel like that they have a good friend on their side.

Ron: Yes. I drive people to where they want, and then I just don’t ask for anything in return.

Vince: That’s nice. They already have huge debts to pay, don’t they?

Ron: Yes, and I don’t want to make things worse. Ha! (pause) Ha! (pause) Ha! (pause) Ha!

Vince: Tell us about the most rewardful thing you did.

Ron: In Mexico, I picked up a family and drove them to Texas and there I gave them jobs and –

Vince: Whoa! You’re transporting illegal aliens.

Ron: But I just wanted to be helpful.

Vince: Is that your goal – to bring illegal aliens to this country?

Ron: Yes. Is there anything wrong with that?

Vince: Wrong? Yes! It’s illegal!

Ron: Yep, it’s illegal all right. Well, I got to transport illegal aliens.

Vince: Well, okay. We got one more guest due on my show, and there you must stay with us.

< C O M M E R C I A L S >

Vince: Welcome back. I just don’t understand it myself, I mean, there’s this guy who just wants to be on my show, but he has no talents, no distinguishing characteristics from any other individual, but anyway, please welcome, Steve Marsto.

(enter Steve)

Well, Steve, you got long hair, nerd glasses, a purple shirt with white dots, white pants with colored vertical stripes, white socks and real bizarre shoes! Well, I guess that just what I see here is distinguishing right here!


Steve: No, I just want to be on your show. That’s all. I just want to sit in this chair and see you. And that’s what I’m doing now. Here I am, on a show with 10 words in the title!

Vince: Well, you’re here.

Steve: Mission accomplished. (leaves)

Vince: Well, that’s all the time I have for today. Join me next time for Burnt out Light Bulbs in the Middle of the Day!