What if there was an episode of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood in which a vicious motorcycle gang decides to drop by for a visit?
(Camera shows mini-diorama of street, littered and buildings spray-painted. Cut to Mr. Rogers’ house, untouched. Move camera to entrance. Enter Mr. Rogers, spray-painted and soaked by egg yolks. He sings his usual song, and then…)
MR. ROGERS: Hi, neighbor. I got attacked by some mean men. They wore black, and they drove noisy motorcycles. And then, one of them knocked over a garbage can and scattered the garbage all over the street. I hated them. And then, one of them came up to me and he said, “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I said yes, and then, that wimp picked up a trash can and socked me across the cheek. And then some other guys spray-painted me, and as I ran away, they threw eggs at me. I’m all right, kids, but this is something you should never do. (rock sails through window) Oh no, I’m surrounded. Let’s see what this note says: “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I sure will. Always be a good neighbor and never do stuff that is as bad as this. (Mr. McFeely flies through window) Mr. McFeely! Are you okay?
MR. MCFEELY: Yes, Mr. Rogers. My wife got away and is staying with Chef Brockett. Our house has been destroyed! I am very scared of those guys. I was making a speedy delivery to the puppet house, when those guys came to me. They pushed me around, and they even punched a hole in my hat!
MR. ROGERS: There’s only one thing left to do. Take the trolley!
MR. MCFEELY: But it’s too small!
MR. ROGERS: I can hang on to the back of the trolley and you can hang on to my feet.
MR. MCFEELY: But it’s not strong enough!
MR. ROGERS: Stop being pessimistic! Let’s make believe that we are safe in the Neighborhood of Make Believe! Let’s go, trolley!
(Trolley moves, screeching its wheels, dragging Mr. Rogers and Mr. McFeely through tunnel. In the Neighborhood of Make Believe, King Friday overlooks arrival of Mr. Rogers. Bridge collapses under Mr. Roger’s weight.)
KING FRIDAY: Are you all right?
MR. ROGERS: Yes. We are very safe here.
MR. MCFEELY: Mr. Rogers! I’m stuck!
QUEEN SARA TUESDAY: Somebody help Mr. McFeely!
(Mr. McFeely is stuck in tunnel. Mr. Rogers walks over to tunnel and tries to pull him free. Suddenly Mr. McFeely shoots out from the tunnel and gang members’ faces can be seen.)
MR. MCFEELY: They pushed me out! Get rid of them!
(Suddenly, King Friday is yanked down and whapped around and thrown aside. Queen Sara Tuesday screams and is yanked and thrown aside. Castle is torn down as gang members appear. Mr. Rogers screams.)
GANG MEMBER: Oh, scream, Mr. Wogers! We are the rulers here. Everyone is hostage.
(One member with axe chops down tree with Henrietta Pussycat and X the Owl’s houses on it, while another member destroy Lady Elaine Fairechilde’s Museum-Go-Round and attacks her. Gang member pulls her head off and throws it aside.)
MR. MCFEELY: Oh, no! I don’t like what they’re doing to us. They’re giving us a bad name.
MR. ROGERS: (hysterically) Let’s get out of here! Move on quickly! Let’s not waste any time! Go! HALLP!
HONCHO: Hey, man, what’s the rush? Say, won’t you be my neighbor?
MR. ROGERS: Sure! (Honcho punches Mr. Rogers) It’s a pleasure to have you as a neighbor. You’re destroying my shows, and we’re supposed to keep things neat and organized.
HONCHO: SHUT UP! (picks up Mr. Rogers and throws him through the wall)
(CUT to Mr. Roger’s room, now a disaster)
MR. ROGERS: Well, normally, you can take the trolley to the Neighborhood of Make Believe, but, I guess there are other ways to get there, too. Well, it’s such a good feeling to know you’re alive… (sledgehammer flies through wall behind Mr. Rogers and knocks him down)
Apologies to Fred Rogers