Tag Archives: comedy

BOREY: Everyone please welcome Kristin to The Borey Show.

[APPLAUSE]

BOREY: Backstage is Robert, her husband of 15 years. In recent months however, their love has been overshadowed by some disturbing allegations. Kristin believes her husband is actually a robot.

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

KRISTIN: That’s right, and I have the evidence to prove it! A few months ago Robert came home from work and said his battery was low!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: Did you ask him what he meant by that?

KRISTIN: I did, and he just smiled before he made a loud BEE-YOOOP sound as he collapsed on the sofa!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: What other evidence do you have?

KRISTIN: A few days later I was looking for him but didn’t know where he went. I called for him and he said he was in the garage. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was charging! CHARGING!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: And you have one final piece of evidence that you say proves indefinitely that your husband’s a robot.

KRISTIN: Yes, one day I asked him to help me with the laundry and he said “Yes, dear” in a monotone voice and made these noises like a robot walking while walking like a ROBOT!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: Okay, let’s bring out your husband Robert, or shall I say Robot? Come on out, Robert!

[AUDIENCE STARTS BOOING AND MIMICKING ROBERT BY MOVING THEIR ARMS LIKE ROBOTS. KRISTIN MOVES ROBERT’S CHAIR TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STAGE]

BOREY: Robert! What do you think of Kristin’s allegations?

ROBERT: They’re crazy! I’m not a robot and Kristin knows it!

KRISTIN: Yes you are! Yes you are!

BOREY: What’s up with the story about your battery being low?

ROBERT: That’s just another way of saying I was tired! Sheesh, you didn’t have to take that literally!

KRISTIN: But you made that BEE-YOOOP sound as you collapsed on the sofa!

ROBERT: That was just a silly sound effect! Just because I made the BEE-YOOOP sound doesn’t make me a robot! That’s like saying my going BEEP BEEP makes me a car!

KRISTIN: You’re a car too?

BOREY: Actually, Robert does have a point. What about the time Kristin found out you were charging in the garage?

ROBERT: I was charging the battery on my motorcycle! How does that make me a robot?

BOREY: Oh, so you have a motorcycle?

ROBERT: I do have a motorcycle and was doing some routine maintenance that night. What else is there?

BOREY: What about the time Kristin asked you for help with the laundry and you started acting like a robot?

ROBERT: So I acted like a robot! Kristin, you really know how to really blow this up way out of proportion! You need a sense of humor, you know that?

KRISTIN: I can’t get a sense of humor living with a robot like you!

ROBERT: I AM NOT A ROBOT!

BOREY: All right, let’s settle this once and for all. Last night we gave Robert a robot detector test and I have the results right here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AS BOREY STANDS AND RETRIEVES AN ENVELOPE FROM A STAGEHAND. BOREY SITS DOWN AND OPENS IT.]

BOREY: Okay, Robert, last night we splashed a glass of water on your face. The robot detector determined that you did not short out.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

ROBERT: I told you I wasn’t a robot!

KRISTIN: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

[KRISTIN AND ROBERT EMBRACE AMIDST THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: Up next, a man who’s convinced his wife is a bag of potato chips. Only on Borey!

(Enter Captain Kangaroo. Moose is wearing armor.)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Hey, Moose, why are you wearing armor?

MOOSE: Why not?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well, it’s a nice day outside, so you don’t need a coat or anything like that.

MOOSE: So what?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: So if you wear something heavy then you’ll be hot. And being hot isn’t nice.

MOOSE: Well, I just wanted to try it on.

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: What for?

MOOSE: Oh, I don’t know. Say, would you like to read a poem for me?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Sure, I love to read poems.

MOOSE: Just read this. (produces paper)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well!

“Hold down those cheers
Because those spheres
Have grown teeth
To make things neat!”

That doesn’t make sense.

MOOSE: It what?

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: I said, it doesn’t make sense.

MOOSE: Okay, guys.

(Ping pong balls with daggers fall on the Captain)

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Well, I guess it makes sense in one way or another, but the message itself is perfectly clear. (Collapses. Moose laughs.)

THE END

Apologies to Captain Kangaroo

What if there was an episode of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood in which a vicious motorcycle gang decides to drop by for a visit?

(Camera shows mini-diorama of street, littered and buildings spray-painted. Cut to Mr. Rogers’ house, untouched. Move camera to entrance. Enter Mr. Rogers, spray-painted and soaked by egg yolks. He sings his usual song, and then…)

MR. ROGERS: Hi, neighbor. I got attacked by some mean men. They wore black, and they drove noisy motorcycles. And then, one of them knocked over a garbage can and scattered the garbage all over the street. I hated them. And then, one of them came up to me and he said, “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I said yes, and then, that wimp picked up a trash can and socked me across the cheek. And then some other guys spray-painted me, and as I ran away, they threw eggs at me. I’m all right, kids, but this is something you should never do. (rock sails through window) Oh no, I’m surrounded. Let’s see what this note says: “Won’t you be my neighbor?” I sure will. Always be a good neighbor and never do stuff that is as bad as this. (Mr. McFeely flies through window) Mr. McFeely! Are you okay?

MR. MCFEELY: Yes, Mr. Rogers. My wife got away and is staying with Chef Brockett. Our house has been destroyed! I am very scared of those guys. I was making a speedy delivery to the puppet house, when those guys came to me. They pushed me around, and they even punched a hole in my hat!

MR. ROGERS: There’s only one thing left to do. Take the trolley!

MR. MCFEELY: But it’s too small!

MR. ROGERS: I can hang on to the back of the trolley and you can hang on to my feet.

MR. MCFEELY: But it’s not strong enough!

MR. ROGERS: Stop being pessimistic! Let’s make believe that we are safe in the Neighborhood of Make Believe! Let’s go, trolley!

(Trolley moves, screeching its wheels, dragging Mr. Rogers and Mr. McFeely through tunnel. In the Neighborhood of Make Believe, King Friday overlooks arrival of Mr. Rogers. Bridge collapses under Mr. Roger’s weight.)

KING FRIDAY: Are you all right?

MR. ROGERS: Yes. We are very safe here.

MR. MCFEELY: Mr. Rogers! I’m stuck!

QUEEN SARA TUESDAY: Somebody help Mr. McFeely!

(Mr. McFeely is stuck in tunnel. Mr. Rogers walks over to tunnel and tries to pull him free. Suddenly Mr. McFeely shoots out from the tunnel and gang members’ faces can be seen.)

MR. MCFEELY: They pushed me out! Get rid of them!

(Suddenly, King Friday is yanked down and whapped around and thrown aside. Queen Sara Tuesday screams and is yanked and thrown aside. Castle is torn down as gang members appear. Mr. Rogers screams.)

GANG MEMBER: Oh, scream, Mr. Wogers! We are the rulers here. Everyone is hostage.

(One member with axe chops down tree with Henrietta Pussycat and X the Owl’s houses on it, while another member destroy Lady Elaine Fairechilde’s Museum-Go-Round and attacks her. Gang member pulls her head off and throws it aside.)

MR. MCFEELY: Oh, no! I don’t like what they’re doing to us. They’re giving us a bad name.

MR. ROGERS: (hysterically) Let’s get out of here! Move on quickly! Let’s not waste any time! Go! HALLP!

HONCHO: Hey, man, what’s the rush? Say, won’t you be my neighbor?

MR. ROGERS: Sure! (Honcho punches Mr. Rogers) It’s a pleasure to have you as a neighbor. You’re destroying my shows, and we’re supposed to keep things neat and organized.

HONCHO: SHUT UP! (picks up Mr. Rogers and throws him through the wall)

(CUT to Mr. Roger’s room, now a disaster)

MR. ROGERS: Well, normally, you can take the trolley to the Neighborhood of Make Believe, but, I guess there are other ways to get there, too. Well, it’s such a good feeling to know you’re alive… (sledgehammer flies through wall behind Mr. Rogers and knocks him down)

THE END

Apologies to Fred Rogers

At work yesterday I found a small, circular piece of wood in the parking lot. After pondering what to do with it, I took a marker and wrote two words on it to give the wood a newfound purpose.

I did say I’d get it done when I got a Round Tuit.

SCENE. IAN’S bedroom. IAN and STEVE enter, each carrying a small bag. They sit on IAN’S bed.

IAN: Well, here’s hoping our purchases today will complete our collections. (looks at a small shelf on the wall on which rest 4 superhero figurines clad in colorful costumes) So far I have the WehWeh, the WiiWii, the WohWoh and the WuWu, but I don’t have the WahWah.

STEVE: Well, I have the WahWah but I don’t have the WiiWii.

IAN: Let’s see what we bought, shall we? I’ll go first. (reaches in bag and pulls out a plain, sealed foil bag. He begins to open the foil bag.) Please let this be the WahWah, please let this be the WahWah, please let this be the WahWah. (pulls out figurine and then sighs) Aahhh, I got the WiiWii.

STEVE: (surprised) Y-you got the WiiWii.

IAN: But I already have a WiiWii, I want the WahWah.

STEVE: You wanna trade?

IAN: No trade until you open yours.

STEVE: Okay, here we go. (begins opening his foil bag) Please let this be the WiiWii, please let this be the WiiWii, please let this be the WiiWii. (pulls out figurine and then sighs) Aahhh, I got the WahWah.

IAN: (surprised) You got the WahWah?

STEVE: Trade you the WahWah for the WiiWii?

IAN: Done.

Here’s another early work and one influenced by watching too many soap operas on TV.

SCENE. Restaurant. MASON and KATE.

KATE: Are you having a nice time here?

MASON: I sure am. I can’t wait until after dinner, because that’s where our romance begins.

KATE: Romance!

MASON: Yeah. I mean, who can take love more seriously as contained in one fine romance?

KATE: (leans forward) Do you know something? I think you will have a romance without me, and with someone else.

MASON: K-Kate! What are you talking about?

KATE: Don’t sound surprised, Mason. You surely know what’s going on inside you. You are dating Sharon.

MASON: Who told you that?

KATE: At a time like this, who’s interested? (gets up and leaves)

HOSPITAL. GARY and SUE.

GARY: I had to do this. I know you are a nurse here, but this is a private hospital. The only way I can get in here is if I have a bad problem.

SUE: That’s bad. (enter DOCTOR) Oh-oh.

GARY: You’re late, Henry, but better late than never! Pull up a chair! Sit down! Yes, Sire! It looks like it’s gonna be one of those days, but it should be fun! A challenge! AVAT!

DOCTOR: Mr. Gilbert, from now on, I’m going to be overlooking your therapy and treatment.

GARY: Well, doctor, if you don’t mind, then we had better consider the consequences. I would not mean to be exaggerant, but I would perish as an Englishman!

DOCTOR: An ENGLISHMAN?

GARY: Yeah, back when we celebrated the third century of the Magna Carta, I was the well recognized descendant of King John, eh doctor? And I must say the firecrackers were absolutely top drawer!

DOCTOR: I think you’ve got one of the rarer cases this hospital’s ever seen!

GARY: Rare? Why, we Roosevelts hardly use that word. Everything is as abundant as it is.

DOCTOR: I’ve never seen such subtle symptoms!

GARY: Indeed, my man, you are quite some kind of man who would not quit in life, who would go on and – ho! The Sire awaits! (stands)

DOCTOR: Maybe I’ll intensify your treatment some way. (exit)

SUE: What will we do now?

GARY: I don’t know. I’m getting nervous, and may even fall victim to these fake symptoms.

SCENE. Office. KEN and ATTORNEY.

KEN: I am telling you I did not hit Suzie!

ATTORNEY: I heard that already.

KEN: I just want to clarify that statement. I’m getting nervous. Really nervous.

ATTORNEY: Don’t worry. Leave it to me. As your attorney, I have the power to regulate the law. Relax. You’ll pass through just fine. I promise. (pause) According to this book, the attorney can control the judiciary society! See! (hands book to KEN.)

KEN: Ah! But – what’s this paper? “Kenneth Slaughterly abused Suzanne Charleston. I saw it all. Period. Signed, Dan Slaughterly.” That’s my dad! (pause) I thought you were going to help me! Will you please tell me what’s going on? Really, are you trying to throw me or WHAT!

ATTORNEY: Relax, Ken!

KEN: NO! (pause) it looks as if we’ll have another case in the works.

ATTORNEY: What case?

KEN: Me versus you! (leaves)

RESTAURANT. MASON, sitting by himself.

MASON: What did I do to deserve this? Couldn’t I just have two romances at the same time, and control them? Sharon and Kate are such lovely women, and I can balance romances and – (sighs) Oh! Why did I have to get into this in the first place?

(enter STOMACH, a stomach-shaped creature with legs, and sits)

Can you help me?

STOMACH: BELCH! BLAAACCCHHH!

(enter KATE and SHARON, running)

KATE: I’m sorry, Mason!

SHARON: What shall we do tonight?

KATE: It’s all up to you, Mason. It’s all up to you.

HOSPITAL. GARY and SUE.

SUE: What was it you wanted to tell me?

GARY: That a new neighbor moved into the empty house next door. Real handsome guy. About 23 years old.

SUE: Wow…

(enter DOCTOR)

DOCTOR: Gary, we shall begin with an injection of hormones that will control your speech.

GARY: Oh! Hail, doctor! I don’t take injections.

DOCTOR: You must, Gary, you MUST!

(enter STOMACH, running)

STOMACH: BELCH! BLAAAAACHH! (exit)

DOCTOR: Good heavens! (tosses needle, needle explodes. DOCTOR flees, screaming. GARY and SUE embrace.)

OFFICE. KEN and ATTORNEY.

ATTORNEY: You will not start a new case! Period!

KEN: I have power, too, you know! I declare you a TRAITOR!

ATTORNEY: (gasps) Then I will have you promptly arrested.

(STOMACH runs across background, burping)

STOMACH: BELCH! BLACCHH!!

ATTORNEY: Now listen, young man. You have no right to do this. (begins inflating, swelling and becoming fatter) As a man in the lower level of society, you cannot even touch me as a working system. I’m in it, and you are out. Period. Now, Ken, would you mind telling me what’s do funny? (explodes. KEN flees)

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for AS THE ANUS FARTS. Good night.