Burnt out Light Bulbs in the Middle of the Day.

From another of my old journal books comes this brave attempt at writing a comedy sketch.

Announcer: And now, Burnt out Light Bulbs in the Middle of the Day! With your host, Vince Votski!

Vince: Hello, everybody! Welcome to a half-hour of comedy and great entertainment. Among my guests are Leon Fartski, who has a musical fart, and Ron Stovins, who has driven all over the world, offering free rides to the poor, and finally, Steve Marsto, a guy who just wants to be on TV. It’s a great hour split in half waiting for you. And the fun gets started right after this.

< C O M M E R C I A L S >

Vince: Welcome back. Now I have some interesting people on my show. Yes, it is true that people excel in musical instruments, but, it is very rare for people to use their body parts to create not ugly sounds, but beautiful, harmonious music! Will you please welcome Leon Fartski!

(enter Leon)

Welcome to my show.

Leon: Thank you.

Vince: Now, you can use your body parts to make music.

Leon: Yes, it is gas formed at the midspoint of the large intestine and forced outward by internal peristalsis and forces the outer skin to burp outward. It is otherwise known as farting.

Vince: Ah, and you can make music with your- your- ah- rear end. (laughter)

Leon: Let me play for you Mary Had A Little Lamb.

(farts tune)

Vince: Wow, that is unbelievable!

Leon: I know. You have to expel the gas just the right blast and note. It takes a lot of practice. Let me play The Old Man’s Snore.

(expels loud, long blast)

Ouch! (laughter) Well, that’s all I feel like blasting out today.

Vince: Oh, that’s all right, because we still have two more guests still to come. Stay with us.

< C O M M E R C I A L S >

Vince: Welcome back. Today’s world has lots of problems, and there are lots of people who care to help. Among these is my next guest. Will you please welcome Ron Stovins.

(enter Ron)

Welcome to my show.

Ron: Thank you.

Vince: It is a nice thing you do for the poor. Sort of makes them feel like that they have a good friend on their side.

Ron: Yes. I drive people to where they want, and then I just don’t ask for anything in return.

Vince: That’s nice. They already have huge debts to pay, don’t they?

Ron: Yes, and I don’t want to make things worse. Ha! (pause) Ha! (pause) Ha! (pause) Ha!

Vince: Tell us about the most rewardful thing you did.

Ron: In Mexico, I picked up a family and drove them to Texas and there I gave them jobs and –

Vince: Whoa! You’re transporting illegal aliens.

Ron: But I just wanted to be helpful.

Vince: Is that your goal – to bring illegal aliens to this country?

Ron: Yes. Is there anything wrong with that?

Vince: Wrong? Yes! It’s illegal!

Ron: Yep, it’s illegal all right. Well, I got to transport illegal aliens.

Vince: Well, okay. We got one more guest due on my show, and there you must stay with us.

< C O M M E R C I A L S >

Vince: Welcome back. I just don’t understand it myself, I mean, there’s this guy who just wants to be on my show, but he has no talents, no distinguishing characteristics from any other individual, but anyway, please welcome, Steve Marsto.

(enter Steve)

Well, Steve, you got long hair, nerd glasses, a purple shirt with white dots, white pants with colored vertical stripes, white socks and real bizarre shoes! Well, I guess that just what I see here is distinguishing right here!

(laughter)

Steve: No, I just want to be on your show. That’s all. I just want to sit in this chair and see you. And that’s what I’m doing now. Here I am, on a show with 10 words in the title!

Vince: Well, you’re here.

Steve: Mission accomplished. (leaves)

Vince: Well, that’s all the time I have for today. Join me next time for Burnt out Light Bulbs in the Middle of the Day!

Remove unwanted people from your photos the easy way.

Perhaps the most challenging task of using any image editing software is removing unwanted people from your photographs. Believe it or not, it’s much easier than it sounds. Here are the 5 simple steps:

1. Enter your time machine and enter the date, time and coordinates of the location the photo was taken.
2. Initiate the time travel sequence.
3. Once at your destination, visit the spot where your photo is about to be taken.
4. Locate the unwanted person and shove him or her out of the way.
5. Return to the present and enjoy your altered photo.

Nothing to it.

The Amazing Terry Textblock.

Terry Textblock is a writer able to create paragraphs summarizing impressive feats of magic as if he were actually performing them, except he’s only a writer and not a real magician. However, his writing style is able to render images in your mind of him performing the world’s most baffling illusions, such as him reading your mind:

You are seated at a table across from me in an empty room. I ask you to think of a card, any card at all. Out of 52 possible cards in the deck, you choose one to retain only in your mind and not name it, for I will find out what that card is just from reading your mind. Then I produce a brand new deck of cards still factory sealed in plastic. I remove the plastic and then concentrate as I thumb through the deck until I pull out one card and present it to you. That one card is the one you were thinking of.

And who could forget his astounding tractor transformation trick:

I stand off to the side of the stage as I motion Farmer Jones to drive his old, rickety tractor onto the stage. He continues driving until I signal for him to come to a stop. The tractor is now near the middle of the stage in full view of the audience. Then I walk to the side of the tractor facing the audience and wave my arms. Instantly there is a loud poof of smoke, and when the smoke clears, the tractor has turned into a Lamborghini.

And now he’s back with his most ambitious illusion yet, making the White House float off the ground.

I stand outside the gates and face the White House. I wave my arms and slowly but surely, the White House begins to float off the ground. I continue waving my arms as the building rises high enough to clear the bushes and trees on the lawn. Then I make an exaggerated circular motion with my arms and the White House responds by slowly rotating a full 360 degrees before settling back down on the ground. Then I run like heck from the security guards.

Who knows what mind-blowing paragraphs of magic Terry will come up with next.

A punny day at work.

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This morning I was collecting shopping carts in the parking lot when I came across one that was badly damaged and unfit for use. I wasn’t sure where to take it, so I consulted a supervisor who in turn told me to ask one of my coworkers who knew where to take it.

I spotted the coworker a few minutes later and wheeled over the damaged cart for him to see.

It was at that moment I asked him, “Where do broken carts go?”

Storm diving in the Caribbean.

caribanimHurricane Bonnie closing in on the Caribbean in 1998. It would eventually head north along the east coast of the United States and plow into Virginia.

The Caribbean has long been a favorite target of hurricanes, which led me to ask, “What would it be like to go scuba diving during a hurricane?” This post will answer that question in depth (get it?).

Before going on such a dive, here are some tips to bear in mind.

1. Make out your Last Will and Testament.

2. Make an appointment with your local Missing Persons Bureau and fill out an application for Prospective Missing Person.

3. Undergo a physical checkup, and then make an appointment with your local garage to ensure that your arms and legs will stay on.

4. Making out numerous name tags to attach to various places on your diving suit is a good idea. That way if your leg happens to wash ashore, the locals will know it’s you.

5. Book your flight to the region while air travel is still accessible. Do not be insulted when travel agents, fellow tourists, and island residents call you “crazy”. Should anyone call you crazy, just say, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

Believe it or not, vacationing in the Caribbean during a hurricane watch is the best time to go. Getting a hotel room is absolutely no problem, plus you get the swimming pool all to yourself. As I found out, you need not worry about your boat surviving the storm. The waves will carry you back to shore anyway. It’s whether or not you will wash ashore in one piece you will need to be worried about.

If you were to take underwater photos while diving during a hurricane, they would most likely turn out like this.

This first picture definitely looks like an angelfish struggling against the monstrous currents generated by the hurricane. I myself had to fight the extremely strong currents to get this picture.

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Either this is coral or a man-eating shark closing in on me. I forget.

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This picture is stunning proof that alligators often frequent the Caribbean reefs. Either that or it’s some more coral.

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The hurricane had a very strange effect on this octopus, which was rolled up like a ball and trying to knock over some coral.

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As I continued on this turbulent dive, I observed a bluish glow emanating from the ocean floor. Immediately after taking the picture, I realized I was swimming upside down. How humiliating.

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I believe I took this picture while I was fleeing from a swarm of crazed lobsters. I didn’t know they become that aggressive during a hurricane.

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I think this is my hotel room after the storm, but I don’t remember. My second guess is that this picture is of more coral.

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A school of panicky fish trying to flee the storm. You better spend a good minute admiring this picture because I got caught right in the middle of the school and nearly got ripped apart. I don’t go through such trouble for nothing.

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This unfortunate fish was swimming so fast to flee the storm that it exploded.

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This interesting image shows for the first time what coral does during a hurricane. It gets rid of prickly sea urchins by actually firing them into the water. Unfortunately, this image didn’t turn out, thus ruining its credibility (and mine).

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Some jellyfish helplessly caught in the current. Some of them were spinning wildly like Frisbees. Really.

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Having been thrown out of the water by a huge wave, I become the first airborne scuba diver.

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After spending months of grueling physical therapy and endless psychiatric evaluations, I recovered well enough to look at the resulting pictures without undergoing extreme trauma. But my curiosity is still strong. Next summer, I am planning a scuba trip to Japan to observe what happens underwater during a tsunami.

This concludes your introduction to the art of storm diving. I hope it answered your question on what it might be like to give it a try and hopefully you found it too silly to take seriously.

poolt

Legal help for stick figures.

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Providing legal services to stick figures since 1998

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My name is Stick Studley, and I am working tirelessly on behalf of hundreds of stick figures who have been maimed, mutilated and killed in stick figure death animations. If you are a stick figure and have been victimized by brutal animators, let me help you get even.

Counseling Services

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If you’re a stick figure who survived a brutal animation, there’s no doubt that the animation has left some deep emotional scars. Through my therapy sessions, I can assist the healing process and help you get back on your feet. I can also help erase the horrible memories of torture and blood that too many stick figures are forced to live with each day. For the more extreme cases, I can also erase your mind completely so you have absolutely no memory of having survived a stick death animation. Whichever form of treatment you choose, you can take comfort that there is a way out of living with daily pain and despair.

Courtroom Services

courtroom

I have enjoyed a flawless court record of taking stick figure death animators to court and forcing their web sites to be shut down. I have the ability to skillfully manipulate the courts in my client’s favor each and every time.

The unfortunate soul pictured above is Ugly Vapor, who ran a web site called Ugly Vapor’s World of Stick Deaths. It featured dozens and dozens of horrifying stick death animations that killed sticks in the most horrible of ways. One stick figure that escaped came to me for help, and I promptly filed the papers for the lawsuit. The lawsuit dragged on for many months, mostly because of the jury fainting each time one of Ugly Vapor’s animations was shown. The end result: Ugly Vapor was convicted, fined and sent to his room without dessert. His domain, uglyvapor.com, was seized and Hollywood producers consulted to make a movie with that title to ensure that Ugly Vapor does not kill stick figures again. My career is decorated with such success stories.

Revenge Services

revenge

In an effort to contain and reduce the growing number of stick death sites, I deploy thugs and hitmen to drop by stick death animators’ houses for a surprise visit. After beating the animators senseless, they also destroy their computers and every last trace of their animations. Then they fix the scene to make it look like the animators themselves destroyed their computers in an angry rage.

But it doesn’t stop there. Our hitmen also leave subliminal suggestions into these animators’ subconscious minds that whenever they think of making stick figure deaths, they will make animations of stick figures happily dancing in flower beds instead. This unique approach to controlling the spread of stick figure death sites has already halted more than 20 sites.

Contact me today for a free initial consultation.

Invasion Watch.

INVASION WATCH

Watching the skies for invaders so you don’t have to.

FORECAST: NO ALIEN SPACECRAFT IS EXPECTED TO PASS THROUGH EARTH’S ORBIT OVER THE NEXT 24 HOURS.

earthMOON CAM

Greetings, Invasion Watchers! Our latest Moon-based camera image of our own Earth shows a very quiet and serene planet with no signs of hostile alien spacecraft approaching, so it is perfectly safe to leave your house today.

To help us extend our search capabilities, we have installed two more cameras, one on Mars and the other on Venus. That way we can check for alien spacecraft coming from both sides of Earth as it orbits around the Sun. We still have a few glitches to work out, but otherwise, our cameras seem to be in working order.

marsMARS CAM

Our apologies for what looks like life on Mars. Someone got hold of the camera data and drew on it before it got to us. We fired him on the spot, then, for a good measure, re-hired him and fired him again.

venusVENUS CAM

This picture from Venus made us nervous. Could it be an indication of a hostile alien race ready to invade us soon? Or could it be the work of a disgruntled former office prankster? We may never know.

Spook up your photos.

I just received the official “When You See It” kit I recently ordered. Included in the package was a plastic skull and two mannequin eyeballs.

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Assembly was fast and easy. No tools required.

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Now I was ready to start taking scary photos. The instructions say to pick a setting with numerous items as to render the skull nearly hidden at first glance, so I chose the shelves in my stairwell.

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Then I placed the skull on one of the shelves. Can you see it?

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After that I just used the included software to generate the final “When You See It” picture ready for uploading to web sites everywhere.

wysi

Bricks will be produced on a massive scale indeed.