Blowing up traffic lights.

Today I began my mission to start blowing up traffic lights. I have had it with them. They do nothing but waste gas, make us late for work and shorten the time we spend with loved ones. My mind was made up to start blowing them up, one by one, starting with the traffic light at a busy intersection near where I live.

Gathering all the courage I could muster, I grabbed my camera and drove to the intersection at which hung the first traffic light I planned to blow up. After making sure the coast was clear, I got a picture of the intersection bearing my first target.

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Then I used my camera’s zoom function to get a closer shot of the offending traffic lights.

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Satisfied with the progress I made so far, I returned home and copied the pictures to my computer, where I was able to crop the image of one of the traffic lights. As expected the cropped image was too small, so I blew it up to a much larger size.

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That’s one traffic light blown up so far.

My mission has only just begun.

Clean Floor Policy, revised.

As you may very well know, our new Clean Floor Policy goes into effect tomorrow. This policy stresses the need to keep our call room clean with absolutely NOTHING on the floor. As we were completing final preparations to implement this new policy, it has come to our attention that there happens to be cubicles and chairs on the floor, which presents a conflict of sorts. However, our client is insistent that we enforce the Clean Floor Policy as soon as possible, so we had to make some amends.

Starting tomorrow, our engineering department will be mounting all the cubicles and chairs on the ceiling along with straps to hold the agents in place as they work while hanging upside down from the ceiling. We realize that it may be a hassle working while upside down, but we hope you will take some comfort knowing that ours is the only call room in the world with desks and chairs on the ceiling.

We also realize that this policy will not be well-received by everyone, but understand that by implementing the revised Clean Floor Policy, it enables our client to continue using our call room services and therefore provide all of us with jobs, even if it means hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation and hope you’re looking forward to working while uʍop ǝpısdn!

Bubble Gum And Mashed Potatoes: Maximize Your Sales.

One afternoon I stopped at a convenience store to pick up some bubble gum but to my dismay I found none in the candy rack. So I asked the clerk if he had any bubble gum in stock, and he said no, he was completely out.

Now, I usually don’t get upset over such trivial matters but I found this situation so absurd that I lost my cool. “Do you mean to tell me,” I bellowed, “that out of all the convenience stores in the world, yours is actually out of bubble gum?”

“I do apologize, sir,” the clerk replied calmly, “but if it makes you feel any better, I do have mashed potatoes.”

“BUT I DON’T WANT MASHED POTATOES,” I roared. “I WANT BUBBLE GUM!”

“I understand, sir,” the clerk continued in his calm demeanor, “but you see, there was a major mixup in the delivery of my stock and I wound up with a truck full of canned mashed potatoes. I have no room in the stockroom for anything else and I can’t make any room if I don’t sell the mashed potatoes.”

“So why, pray tell, should I buy mashed potatoes instead of bubble gum?” I asked.

“Mashed potatoes don’t give you cavities.”

A few minutes later I left the convenience store with two large boxes containing dozens of canned mashed potatoes I had just purchased, enough mashed potatoes to last me several years. As I drove home, I began to think about what had happened in the convenience store. The clerk managed to sell me something better than what I was expecting without intimidation, pressure or bait and switch tactics.

The next morning I met with my sales team to introduce the “bubble gum and mashed potatoes” strategy to help boost our sales. After they implemented this strategy, our sales skyrocketed and we easily outsold the competition. Our company was finally put on the map.

From time to time I still get people who ask me how we did it, to which I only smile and reply, “Bubble gum and mashed potatoes.” They’ll just have to figure it out from there.

How I got rid of my boss.

During the past week, I was involved with the disappearance of my boss. I tried keeping quiet about it but my conscience soon nagged me to the point where I needed to post this story of what really happened.

I think my boss hated me from the start and was trying to find anything to yell at me about, especially the soft music that played in the call room to keep the agents calm and content. The music drove her nuts and she yelled at me through the online chat room that was set up as a means for agents and supervisors to communicate. So began the following exchange:

Thedia(3:33:33PM): MICHAEL, TURN THAT MUSIC OFF!
Michael(3:33:33PM): But I’m not the one playing the music!
Thedia(3:33:33PM): MICHAEL, TURN THE MUSIC OFF RIGHT NOW!
Michael(3:33:33PM): I AM NOT PLAYING ANY MUSIC!!
Thedia(3:33:33PM): MICHAEL, WHERE ARE YOU SITTING?

Whenever my boss asked me where I was sitting, that meant trouble as she wanted to come up to me and yell right in my face before the other agents, which was not a pleasant experience. Fortunately for me, I was not sitting at my assigned seat due to a shortage of seats, and I had to sit somewhere else in the call room, away from where Thedia sat so I could not even see her. I decided to use this to my advantage.

Thedia(3:33:33PM): MICHAEL, I ASKED YOU WHERE ARE YOU SITTING?
Michael(3:33:33PM): At my desk.
Thedia(3:33:33PM): DON’T GET SMART WITH ME MICHAEL, WHERE ARE YOU SITTING?
Michael(3:33:33PM): I am at the third row near the window.
Thedia(3:33:33PM): VERY FUNNY MICHAEL, THIS ROOM DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANY WINDOWS!
Michael(3:33:33PM): But I have a very nice view of downtown Manila.
Thedia(3:33:33PM): MICHAEL ARE YOU IN THE PHILIPPINES?
Michael(3:33:33PM): Yes.
Thedia(3:33:33PM): I’M ON MY WAY, YOU WILL BE SORRY YOU NEVER TURNED OFF THE MUSIC!

About a minute later, I saw Thedia storm out of the call room, walking right past my desk without seeing me. That was the last I heard from her until yesterday when she initiated the following chat exchange.

Thedia(3:33:33PM): MICHAEL, I AM IN THE MANILA CALL ROOM, WHERE ARE YOU SITTING?
Michael(3:33:33PM): Oh, I’m not in the Manila call room anymore. I got transferred.
Thedia(3:33:33PM): WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
Michael(3:33:33PM): I am in Ĝåďööňšķ.
Thedia(3:33:33PM): WHERE’S THAT?
Michael(3:33:33PM): In Wöňfôďæœëðl.
Thedia(3:33:33PM): WHERE’S THAT?
Michael(3:33:33PM): Just Google it.
Thedia(3:33:33PM): I’M ON MY WAY!
Michael(3:33:33PM): I’ll be waiting.

She was never seen again.

Panic in the call room.

There was an atmosphere of panic at work today as the call room was swamped with calls from terrified customers reporting major disruptions with their TV service.

One customer I had needed several minutes to compose himself and there were several minutes of uncomfortable silence.

“Are you all right?” I asked the customer.

“Yes,” he replied, “I’m trying very, VERY hard not to panic.”

Then the customer began his story. “I was watching Maury like I do every morning when all of a sudden I got a message on the screen about some White House Emergency Alert. Then there was President Obama, seated at his desk in the Oval Office and drinking an entire can of diet cola in one gulp before letting out a humongous belch.”

There were a few more minutes of uncomfortable silence as I too felt overcome by fear.

“I see,” I finally said in an attempt to shatter the dead air, but with a very shaky voice.

“Are you all right?” the customer asked me.

“Yes,” I said, “I’m trying very, VERY hard not to panic.”

And it was like that all day.

Panic from the White House.

MEMO TO EMPLOYEES: Erroneous White House Emergency Alert

We have received notification of a White House Emergency Alert triggered in error by a White House staff member. Customers may see a message on the screen reading “White House Emergency Alert” before cutting to a view of President Obama sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, drinking an entire can of diet cola in one gulp and letting out a humongous belch. There is no ETA at this time and we are working to resolve this situation as soon as possible.

Here are some things to keep in mind when helping customers reporting this issue.

1. Try very, VERY hard not to panic.
2. Without panicking, apologize for the inconvenience.
3. Try very, VERY hard not to panic.
4. Inform the customer (without panicking) that our engineers are presently working to resolve this issue once they get over their urge to panic.
5. Should you feel the need to panic, there will be sound-insulated panic booths set up in the call room to allow you to scream your head off without disrupting other calls in progress.

Thank you for being a valued employee.

Just another day at work.

The door to the call room opened and the agents entered as they walked to their cubicles to begin their shifts. Some agents wore happy faces, clearly looking forward to the day ahead while others looked uncertain and worried.

“Good morning!” the floor manager announced as he watched the agents take their seats at their cubicles. “Today’s another big day!”

Everyone logged on their workstations, launched their tools and put on their headsets in anticipation of another busy day of calls. The floor manager looked around the room and saw that all the agents were logged on and ready to go.

“Okay, ladies and gentlemen,” the floor manager announced, “here come the calls!”

Beeping noises were heard from phones all over the call room as the calls began pouring in. Also heard throughout the room were the voices of the agents as they answered the phones.

“Thank you for calling Dial-A-Moron. DUHHH. Have a good day.”

Just another day at work.

When tech support goes wrong.

Agent: Tech support, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, my TV service isn’t working.
Agent: I can help you with that. Are you not able to receive any live programming at all?
Customer: No, nothing, just a blank screen.
Agent: How many TV’s do you have?
Customer: Just one.
Agent: Do you have a model number?
Customer: Where do I find that?
Agent: There should be a yellow sticker on the bottom of the TV.
Customer: Excuse me, did you say on the bottom of my TV?
Agent: Yes.
Customer: But I have a very large and heavy TV.
Agent: I understand that, but I need the model number before I can continue troubleshooting.
Customer: So I need to move the TV just so I can read you the sticker on the bottom.
Agent: Correct.
Customer: All right, hold on.
(Customer puts phone down and lies down on the floor to try moving the TV off the shelf. Suddenly there is the sound of something heavy falling followed by a disgusting squishing sound.)
Agent: Hello, sir? (No answer.) Sir? (No answer.) Hello? (No answer.) Okay, I’m going to send out a technician and call you back later. Have a good day.
[END OF CALL]

Customer says TV service is not working. Instructed customer to check sticker on the bottom of the TV to obtain model number. Customer states he has a large TV but I told him I needed the model number in order to continue troubleshooting. Customer put phone down to move the TV but I heard something heavy fall accompanied by a disgusting squishing sound. Customer did not respond to my questions. I waited 10 minutes, still no response from customer, so I scheduled a dispatch and a callback to follow up.

Technician5> Are you the clown who scheduled the dispatch for this customer?
Agent> yes
Technician5> The customer is DEAD!!!!!
Agent> are you sure?
Technician5> Let’s see, head squashed flat from the TV that fell on him, brains coming out through the nostrils, does that answer your question?????
Agent> oopsies

A surprise party for Kevin.

Charles entered the office carrying several shopping bags. Reaching in one of the bags, he pulled out an air horn and handed it to Robert, who awkwardly accepted it.

“Charles, what’s going on?” Robert asked.

“Today is Kevin’s birthday, and I thought we’d give him a surprise party.”

“With air horns?”

Charles was no longer listening. He had walked to the other side of the office to pass out air horns to the rest of the staff. With both bags empty, Charles looked at the clock and then announced, “Okay, here’s the plan. Kevin will be here in a few minutes, so let’s all hide and make it look like the office is empty. When he opens the door, I’ll count to three and and we’ll all sound off the air horns.”

“Seven air horns going off in unison,” Robert muttered. “Won’t that be too much of a surprise?”

“Save the discussion for later, ” Charles replied as he switched off the lights, “Everyone hide over here where he can’t see us. He’s coming!”

Charles herded the staff to the dark side of the office where they all stood silently in waiting with air horns in hand. Sure enough, less than a minute later, a doorknob rattled as Kevin opened the door. He stood in the doorway in confusion at the sight of the empty office.

Charles began the countdown.

“1…2…3…”

Kevin’s funeral was three days later.