Tag Archives: comedy

File storage in the clown.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking about cloud-based file storage lately. While I may not be an absolute expert on the subject, I do have a grasp on its potential and limitations. You may be able to store your files at a central location and access those files from any computer with an Internet connection, but there are also security and privacy concerns that must be addressed on a constant basis. I have come up with a solution that addresses these shortcomings to further secure your files.

It is here I present the concept of clown-based file storage. You read right. We can utilize the services of circus clowns to keep our files safe and secure from hackers. It may sound silly but it’s a very simple yet innovative concept that takes file storage to the next level.

Your files will be encrypted and protected by an extremely strong 255-character long password before being stored on a microSD card small enough to fit inside the clown’s foam nose. The clown would then wear this nose while performing and engaging in antics so energetic and obnoxious that hackers won’t be able to even try snatching the nose off the clown’s face, that is, if they can get past the squirting flower gag. It’s the robust security solution we’ve all been waiting for.

It’s still possible to access your files whenever you need it. At an appointed time of your choosing, the clowns will meet at one of the certified data centers and insert the microSD cards in card readers connected to the servers for the data to be available over the Internet during a specified time frame. Meanwhile the data center will be guarded by muscular clowns armed with cream pies and banana peels as you remotely access your data, modify it or add additional files. When you are done, the data is taken offline as the clowns remove the cards from the card readers and hide them in their foam noses for safekeeping. Worrying about file security is a thing of the past.

Perhaps the biggest advantage of clown-based file storage is that most people are afraid of clowns. The last thing hackers ever want to see is a sinister looking clown chasing them with an axe, which alone adds an additional layer of file security to keep your files safe yet accessible only by you.

It’s a wonder no one has thought of this before.

Scariest. Link. Ever.

Here it is, a link so terrifying you will literally fly out of your seat backwards and crash through the wall behind you. You have been warned.

UPDATE: The link has been removed due to pending lawsuits from those seeking financial compensation for walls with large holes in them. Sorry about that.

Violently terminated.

Someone got Violently Terminated today. He got called into the manager’s office and the red-faced manager literally threw the door shut. Then I heard yelling, screaming and sounds of office furniture bouncing off the walls. Then followed an uneasy silence before six security guards entered the call room and walked into the manager’s office. Again the door was slammed shut. After a few more minutes, the door opened and the security guards left carrying the former employee’s severed limbs in sandwich bags. Then the manager emerged from his office and hung the Violently Terminated employee’s head from the sagging ceiling along with the other heads already there before casting a menacing glare across the room that lowered the interior temperature to just above freezing.

If you ask me, I’d rather be Violently Terminated than Disgustingly Terminated. I think the large cannon along the wall has something to do with it.

The One Minute Lunch Break.

The auditorium was packed with hungry people on their One Minute Lunch Breaks. These people came from offices from all over the building and had gathered to hear the founder of the famed but controversial diet program give his daily speech that would squelch all the appetites in attendance.

Then the sounds began playing at full blast, disgusting sound effects of belching, farting, diarrhea and oozing slime. At that moment, the founder of the One Minute Lunch Break walked up to the podium on the stage and announced, “Green poop sauce.”

There were sounds of gagging and coughing as the people in attendance began leaving the auditorium as quickly as they could. Their One Minute Lunch Breaks were over, their were appetites gone and they were ready to face the rest of the day.

Upside down day.

JOIN THE FUN ON

 WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 5TH

 “UPSIDE DOWN DAY”

 We will be mounting ALL the cubicles and chairs on the ceiling for a day of working upside down! Prizes will be awarded to those who take the most calls from the ceiling!

COME JOIN THE FUN!

Our sincere apologies.

We would like to offer our sincere apologies for the tremendous inconvenience caused by the massive power outage that has crippled the entire building during the past three days. We have isolated the cause of the problem to our department director Kevin who had 5 power strips connected to the same outlet for plugging in his refrigerator, microwave, TV, stereo, computer, printer, scanner, DVD player and his Xbox (We had no idea he kept an Xbox in his office). This caused the fuse blowout and power outage that caused all the servers and interfaces to crash and lose their data. We have no backups on tape since the tape drives were never ordered (the unsigned purchase orders are still in Kevin’s box) and we are currently attempting to locate the installation media for restoring the operating systems on the servers. Please continue using manual downtime procedures until further notice. We will resume resolution of this issue after Kevin’s funeral immediately after his execution.

Why you can’t divide by zero.

I just concluded an extremely intensive and exhaustive research project into the reasoning why dividing by zero is impossible. If you try dividing any number by zero using a calculator, you’ll get an error. Why is that? I decided to find out.

I couldn’t find a calculator program online that revealed the logic behind dividing by zero, so I programmed my own from scratch that shows the analytical structure behind the calculation process using built-in algorithms instead of relying on the operating system to handle the calculations. No doubt the operating system has its own pre-defined set of algorithms for performing calculations that were adopted by some mathematical standards institute that has helped distribute these algorithms far and wide. My calculator defied these standards and took matters into its own hands.

Before calculating the impossible, I used my calculator program to calculate the sum of one and one.

NUM1: ☺
NUM2: ☻
CALC: +
RSLT: ☺☻

How about that, the sum is 2. Next I tried subtraction. Here I subtracted 6 from 4.

NUM1: ☺☺☺☺☺☺
NUM2: ☻☻☻☻
CALC: –
RSLT: ☺☺

As expected the difference is 2. Finally, I tried multiplication, specifically 3×3.

NUM1: ☺☺☺
NUM2: ☻☻☻
CALC: x
RSLT: ☺☺☺│☺☺☺│☺☺☺

Sure enough, the answer is 9. Confident I could finally tackle the impossible, I attempted to divide 2 by zero, and look what I got:

NUM1: ☺☺
NUM2: 0
CALC: ÷
RSLT: ☻☺☻│☺☻☺│☻☺☻│☺☻☺│☻☺☻│☺☻☺│☻☺☻

What do you know. Two divided by zero is 21!

Then I saw this message:

NUM1: ☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│
NUM2: ☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│
CALC:  ☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│☺│☻│
RSLT: quit using us little people to do your math, prepare to die

Suddenly hundreds of tiny spears came flying out of the monitor and I had to run out of the room to avoid getting hit. For the next 10 minutes I heard the sound of tiny spears hitting the wall, the chair, the desk and the floor. Slowly the sound faded and it was once again quiet in the room where I was working. Cautiously I peeked into the room to look at the computer and I saw this message on the screen.

NUM1:
NUM2:
CALC:
RSLT: never divide by zero again

Balloons and cigarette lighters.

When I came to work this morning I was pleasantly surprised by the sight of dozens of colorful balloons tied to chairs in front of the cubicles. Then my eyes spotted a cigarette lighter that had been placed on each of the desks. As I looked around the call room in confusion, I saw the other agents admire the festive appearance of the room as they entered but too became confused when they saw the cigarette lighters. What was going on?

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,” the floor manager announced. “There are two types of people that work here. There are those who show up on time, do what’s expected of them and do their jobs well. The balloons at their cubicles have been filled with helium.

“Then there are those who show up late, slack off all day and fail to perform their jobs at satisfactory levels. Their balloons have been filled with hydrogen.

“Now, please pick up your cigarette lighters and light your balloons. If your balloon explodes with an deafening fireball, you’re fired.”

A nice ending to a bad day.

I was six hours into a technical call that was going nowhere fast. All it did for me was deprive me of my breaks and left me getting more frustrated by the minute. I had done absolutely everything I could think of to resolve the customer’s issue with his Internet service and he himself was getting angrier with my lack of what he called technical expertise.

“What’s next, genius?” the customer hissed. “My service is still not working.”

I sighed and clicked on the link on the screen to take me to the next step of the troubleshooting process. Then I sat up, staring at the screen in disbelief. A script I had never seen before had just loaded for me to read to the customer. I read the script several times before a smile formed on my face.

“Hello?” the customer snarled. “Are you still there or are you just waiting for me to hang up?”

“I’m sorry,” I read out loud, “we have been on the phone for the past 6 hours and have exhausted all efforts to resolve your issue. Could you please close all running programs on your computer and leave the room?”

There was a stunned silence. “Why do you want me to leave the room?” the customer asked.

I continued reading the script. “My efforts to help you resolve your issue have been hampered by your snotty attitude that indicate symptoms of withdrawal from viewing web sites with smutty content and consuming valuable bandwidth downloading smutty illegal smutty copies of smutty full-length smutty movies. For this reason I ask that you please leave the room so I can blow up your smutty computer.”

“Blow up my computer!” the customer yelled. “I’d love to see you try!”

“I’d ask that you leave the room first,” I said.

“No, go ahead! Blow it up now! I doubt there’s a link you click on over there to make my computer blow up in my face!”

“Last warning,” I warned. “Will you please leave the room now?”

“NO!”

“You asked for it.”

I clicked on the link to detonate the customer’s computer and seconds later there was a loud bang that terminated the phone call. Immediately all the other agents in the call room rose to their feet and gave me a standing ovation.

Evacuation from the situation.

I was taking calls at my desk when my supervisor announced, “Everyone, please log off your computers and calmly leave the building.”

For my supervisor to use the words “calmly” and “leave the building” in the same sentence meant only one thing: We were under a paper bag threat.

Everyone nervously logged off their computers and lined up to leave the call room. Along the way supervisors directed the employees towards the exit while urging everyone to stay calm. Outside the building we saw police officers, S.W.A.T. team members, members of the National Guard and troops from the armed forces. This situation was seriously escalating to intense levels.

The police officers continued guiding us towards the front lawn outside the building. When we got there, another officer told us all to “sit down with your heads between your knees and your hands around your necks. This will prevent your heads from flying off during the explosion.”

There were looks of alarm and panic on the faces of employees but everyone did as they were told. Soon everyone was seated on the grass and bracing themselves for the explosion they hoped to never hear.

I dared to look up from my braced position and could see the police officers, national guardsmen and troops all gathered in a huge circle in the parking lot. In the middle of the circle stood a lone man holding an inflated paper bag.

My pulse quickened. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I’d heard about paper bag threats from the news but to witness one in real life was terrifying.

“NO!” screamed the officers in unison. When I saw the man raise the paper bag, my head went straight for my knees and I nearly choked myself hanging on to my neck. Any second now.

POP. The stillness of the air was shattered by a deafening bang that sent stuntmen airborne while executing dazzling flips and precise mid-air maneuvers. Of course, those who watched were instantly decapitated by the force of the blast. Only those still hanging on to their necks survived.

After the last echo of the paper bag blast faded, we were allowed to go back inside the building to resume working. Those agents who were decapitated had to wait for all the survivors to go inside first, their punishment for failing to follow directions.