Tales from the carpool.

The passenger door of my car opened and in climbed Peter, ready for me to drive him to work.

“Good morning!” he said cheerfully.

“Good morning,” I mumbled, sounding annoyed.

Peter looked at the annoyed look on my face and said, “Yeah, I know what I’ve been putting you through lately, but I do appreciate you coming to get me each morning. Besides, you gotta think about what I’ve been going through. I’ve been without a car the last three months!”

“Are you going to get your car back any time soon?” I asked.

Peter chuckled nervously and replied, “I hope so. The garage keeps telling me my car will be ready any day now but the part that’s killing me is, every time they say that, they always find something new to fix! Like yesterday, they had the car all ready. They washed and waxed it, but when they filled the tires, they used helium by mistake and my freakin’ car started floating away in midair and it hasn’t been seen since!”

I silently shook my head in disbelief, hardly believing a word of this story.

“It’s true!” Peter insisted. “The garage didn’t know what happened until yesterday afternoon when they got a call from the Bahamas! People there were freaking out at the sight of a flying car that looked exactly like mine, so now they’re waiting for the helium to ease so the car can float back down, and then they’re going to send it back to Florida. But then that means I might have to pay for shipping.”

“OH COME ON!” I blurted. “Do you really expect me to believe all that? Your stories keep getting fishier every day. Yesterday you told me about the boa constrictor in the exhaust pipe, now you’re telling me your car floated to the Bahamas because of helium in your tires? Why don’t you tell me the truth for a change?”

Peter looked down at the floor with a solemn look on his face as he replied, “Actually, they junked my car two months ago.”

“I KNEW IT!”

The Upside Down Gardens of Boca Raton.

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One of Boca Raton’s best kept secrets is the world famous Upside Down Gardens, which has attracted countless visitors from all over the globe. Visitors board a tram with comfortable seats that flip 180 degrees to offer an unprecedented and unique view of various plants and trees native to Florida. After the tour visitors can dine at the Upside Down Cafe that offers a spectacular view of the gardens as they eat and dine while seated upside down. Before they leave, they’ll definitely want to visit the Upside Down Shop to bring home some souvenirs once they adjust to walking on the Velcro-lined ceiling. It’s wholesome family fun the whole world is talking about.

Today’s words of inspiration.

The Great Technician arrived at the Commoner’s house to heed his cry for help.

“Please help me, for my connection is slow,” pleaded the Commoner.

The Great Technician replied, “Fear not! for I am here to heal your sickness.”

And he touched his finger to the line and the Slow Speed Demons were exorcised from the line and the Commoner’s connection to the Great Wide Web was no longer slow.

Then an elderly man with a cane limped up to the Great Technician and pleaded “Touch me, for I am frail.”

The Great Technician replied, “Fear not! for I am here to heal your sickness.”

And he touched the elderly man and the Slow Speed Demons were exorcised from body and the elderly man ran with such speed around the village that his body soon exploded from the heat.

~ NAICAINHCET 7:68

Meltdown in the break room.

In the break room at my job is a pool table so popular with the employees that there’s a waiting list system to ensure everyone gets to play. If someone wanted to play some pool, they would simply add their name to the waiting list on the whiteboard and wait their turn.

I was on break watching a game of pool in progress one afternoon when one of the employees entered the break room and stopped in his tracks when he saw the long list of names on the whiteboard.

“What the hell is this!” he yelled. “I was at the top of the list!”

“But you weren’t here when we called your name,” replied one of the other employees.

“I only stepped out of the break room to get a drink!” he yelled. “You couldn’t even wait 5 seconds, could you!”

“Fair’s fair,” replied the bystander. “If you’re not here when we call your name, you’re off the list.”

“BUT I’M AT THE TOP OF THE LIST!” the employee screamed, pointing at his name at the top of the waiting list.

“Sorry, you’ll have to wait your turn,” the bystander said.

The employee’s face turned so red that it appeared sunburned. He walked up to the pool table and, to everyone’s amazement, sent it flying through the ceiling overhead. All heads looked upwards at the huge hole in the ceiling where they could now see the sky and sure enough, there went the pool table, still flipping and flying as it grew smaller during its flight across the sky.

“You better not still be here when the pool table comes crashing down!” the angry employee bellowed, to which everyone responded by fleeing the break room in panic.

And to this day the pool table has still not come back.

A potluck puzzler.

Two office workers were talking.

“You ask him.”

“No, you ask him.”

“I asked him yesterday.”

“But I can’t understand him.”

“No one can. Just do your best.”

Grumbling, Adams walked up to his boss’s desk where the boss himself looked up in acknowledgement of his visitor.

“Kabay hell poo?” the boss mumbled through his crooked mouth.

“Yes, I’m making sure we’re still on for the potluck tomorrow.”

“Pop fluck? Shell pop fluck chaffe ahead bawled wide wit read poker doubts!”

Adams stood facing his boss in confusion. “So you want us to shave our heads bald and paint them white with red polka dots?”

“Whad?” the boss raised his voice. “Whad dust tattoo witta pop fluck?”

The confusion was so overwhelming that it felt like the entire room was spinning. Adams had to hold his head in place as he staggered back to his cubicle where his co-worker was awaiting his return.

“Well? Are we having the potluck tomorrow or not?”

“I don’t know, but I think we’d better stock up on shaving cream.”

Extreme measures of motivation.

Good morning,

In response to last week’s disappointing numbers, I have decided to resort to more extreme measures of motivation to help bring our numbers up to par. If you look at your desks you may notice a small black box just below your monitors. If you want to find out what the black box is for, rest assured you will soon find out if your numbers continue to suck.

The Boss.

That was the e-mail I got this morning and sure enough, right under the monitor under my desk was a small black box about the size of a brick. I looked around and saw similar boxes placed under the monitors on the other desks. Then my eyes caught the face of my boss seated at his desk and he was looking at us with an evil grin.

“Carry on,” my boss said with a sinister tone in his voice.

So we all proceeded to start another day of tech support calls under a heavy, dark cloud of uncertainty. No one but the boss knew the purpose of the black boxes on our desks.

I was working a call when suddenly I heard the sound of a loud punch and someone behind me fall backwards to the floor. I spun around and saw one of my co-workers lying on the floor, still in his chair, dazed and staring at the ceiling. On the desk just under the monitor was a boxing glove that had sprung out of the black box to knock down the agent.

“Who wants to be next?” the boss asked.

Our numbers instantly skyrocketed and never fell low again.

To solve a Problem.

Agent: Can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I have a Problem.

Agent: Can you describe the Problem you are having?

Customer: Basically, I see the letters P-R-O-B-L-E-M floating before me.

Agent: So you’re seeing the word “Problem” just floating in mid-air.

Customer: Correct. It follows me wherever I go.

Agent: Can you put your finger on the Problem?

Customer: Yes, I can.

Agent: Then try breaking it down into smaller pieces. Try rearranging the letters into a more logically sound formation.

Customer: Okay, I just did that.

Agent: Do you still have the same Problem?

Customer: Why no, I don’t have a Problem anymore.

Agent: Excellent! Do you need help with anything else?

Customer: Yes, I now have a Lemborp.

Agent: Sorry, that’s not my department.

Winter at the call room.

I was seated at my computer and on the phone with a customer to troubleshoot a technical issue when suddenly one of the managers called out, “The weather forecast for today, freezing with a 100% chance of snow!”

Then the temperature in the room plummeted as one of the managers adjusted the thermostat to below freezing. From out the air conditioning vents came a heavy concentration of snow that drifted across the room and covered everything in sight, including the floor, the cubicles, the chairs, the computers and the agents. I found it very hard to work and had to constantly clear the snow off my screen to see what I was doing.

Suddenly the fire sprinklers came on and sprayed out water that instantly turned to ice as it covered the the snow. The floor became completely covered with ice and became very slippery. Then I heard cheesy holiday music playing from the ceiling speakers and saw the managers putting on ice skates as they prepared to skate around the call room. They skated up and down the aisles between the cubicles where the frozen agents sat motionless while buried up to their necks in snow.

The managers were the ones having all the fun. Some of them making snow angels on the floor while others were building snowmen at various spots around the room. Meanwhile the agents were freezing and shivering so badly that their heads fell off and shattered like glass on the floor, which infuriated the customers on the phone. Of course, this was of no concern to the management.

“Who’s up for a snowball fight?” called out one of the managers, balling up some snow as she looked around the room for a target. Seeing the panicked look on my face, she threw the snowball at me and I ducked out of the way to watch the snowball shatter my frozen monitor. This was all I could take and I got up to leave the room. I found it very hard to walk on the icy floor and I kept slipping and falling. Just when I made it to the door, a manager riding a sled ran into me and sent me flying out the door. It’s a miracle I landed on the lawn, for I too would have shattered like glass had I hit the pavement.

Clearly this was the worst day at work since the management announced there was a 100% chance of meatballs in the call room.

How the revolution began.

The agent walked into the manager’s office where she awaited his arrival. When he looked at her face, he saw a face so stern that he could feel the pressure in the office increase exponentially. He could already tell this was not going to be a good meeting even he though wasn’t yet sure what it was about.

“You wanted to see me?” the agent said nervously as he took his seat.

Without saying a word, the manager turned up her computer’s speakers, clicked the mouse and a recording began to play. The agent could immediately tell this was one of his calls that she had been auditing.

“I can transfer you over to our Billing department. Would you like me to connect you now?” the agent said on the recording.

“Sure,” the customer replied.

“Just a moment,” the agent said before dialing the number to the Billing department.

Then came a recorded voice that announced, “Thank you for calling Customer Service. All agents are busy. Your call should be answered within one minute.”

“My definition of ‘one minute’ is very different from yours,” chortled the agent’s voice on the recording.

Suddenly the manager pounded her fist on her desk with such force that she nearly broke her desk in half. Then she stared at the shocked agent with the angriest face he had ever seen.

“And what, pray tell, is your definition of ‘one minute’?” hissed the manager.

“60 seconds,” the agent stammered.

“60 SECONDS!” the manager exploded. “HOW DARE YOU USE NON-COMPANY STANDARDS OF TIME MEASUREMENT WHILE ON COMPANY TIME! WHILE YOU ARE ON THE CLOCK, YOU ARE TO OBSERVE ‘OUR’ DEFINITION OF ‘ONE MINUTE’ WHICH IS 6,000 SECONDS! WHY DO YOU THINK WE KEEP OUR CUSTOMERS ON HOLD SO LONG? THIS IS A SERIOUS BREACH OF COMPANY POLICY! YOU ARE FIRED! YOU HEAR ME? YOU! ARE! FIRED!”

“Fine,” the agent stood up in defiance. “I never liked this job anyway.”

“GET OUT!” the manager screamed.

The agent threw open the door to the manager’s office and, as he ran out of the call room, he yelled for all the other agents to hear, “One minute is 60 seconds! One minute is 60 seconds! Set yourselves free! One minute is 60 seconds!”

The chaos that followed in the call room was deafening.

And so began the Great Call Room Revolution of 2013.

And now you know the rest of the story.