Posts Tagged ‘fiction’

When continents collide.

August 15, 2017

I once read that the continents of North America and Asia are slowly drifting towards each other. The following scenario came to mind.

The people stood silently along the shores of California, facing the ocean and preparing for the worst on this potentially fatal day. For now, they could see just the vast water reaching out towards the horizon but they knew that it wouldn’t be that way for much longer.

Then they saw it. Tall buildings began to rise from the horizon in the distance as whimpers of fright began to circulate among the terrified crowd. Taller and larger the buildings became as the coast of Japan came racing closer and closer towards the shores of California, the result of a dramatically accelerated continental drifting caused by tectonic plates gone berserk deep underneath the Earth’s surface.

Faster and faster Japan approached, but there wasn’t anything anyone could do. There were warning signs of this happening decades ago, but everyone ignored them, hoping they’d go away. But they never did. And here it was, unfolding before their very eyes, and all they could do was stand and watch.

By now, Japan was so close to California that the people standing while screaming along the California shoreline could now see the people standing while screaming along the Japanese shoreline. And then it happened, the most horrific sound of all, the coconut-like bonking of thousands of heads in collision as the two shorelines finally met.

But it was only the beginning. The two coastlines continued to collide, not only throwing cars in commute from Japan onto the highways of California, but also cars in commute from California onto the highways of Japan. Much confusion ensued with the addition of additional highway exits.

Countless buildings and houses from the two countries were suddenly mixed together along with the streets on which they resided, creating unprecedented levels of chaos. GPS devices malfunctioned with endless divide by zero errors, causing millions of drivers to lose their way and disappear off the face of the Earth. The load on the GPS satellites was so great that they simply exploded while in orbit.

Book publishers too chose to disintegrate rather than undertake the ambitious task of updating their maps and atlases to reflect the dramatic changes along the Pacific coast. Fierce debates erupted on what to name the merged coastline region as it was no longer California nor Japan. One side insisted on naming the region “Japafornia” while the other side felt that “Calipan” was a more fitting name.

And then it finally stopped, as quickly as it began. The tectonic plates had eased their grip and the continental collision suddenly ceased. There were now millions of people standing outside of their homes, surveying the results of the merged neighborhoods and roadways along with an endless mixture of signs in both English and Japanese. However, a most striking sight awaited them all, the sight of Mount Fujiyama just behind the Golden Gate Bridge.

Escaping arrest.

August 7, 2017

My eyes glanced at the flashing blue lights reflecting from my rear view mirror. I looked out my rear window and sure enough, there was a police car right behind me. Normally a feeling of panic would begin to ensue right about now, but not this time. I knew what to do.

I slowly pulled off to the side of the road and watched as the police car pull over behind me. All of a sudden, a second police car pulled in front of me, followed by a third that stopped beside me. This certainly wasn’t looking good but none of this bothered me. I knew what to do.

Then the police officers jumped out of their cars and ran towards my car with their guns drawn, screaming for me to come out with my hands up. The sight of five officers surrounding my car with their guns pointing at me would have terrified anyone, but actually, none of this bothered me in the least. I knew what to do.

Then three more police cars arrived at the scene as more officers joined in, accompanied by their dogs, barking, growling and stretching their leashes. I was now completely surrounded with no chance of escape. I smiled. Now was the time to implement my plan.

Mocking a sad face, I waved goodbye to the officers now closing in on my car from all directions. Then I opened my eyes, yawned and stretched my arms before reaching to shut off my alarm clock. Then I climbed out of bed to start another day.

Readers respond.

July 31, 2017

My story about my bad day at work has triggered a flood of responses from readers who have had similarly bad days as mine, maybe worse. A sampling:

I was on a date with my girlfriend at a fancy restaurant and had an enjoyable time until we saw our waiter approaching our table with our food. Moments later his skeleton collapsed on the floor, sending our food crashing and ruining our romantic evening.

I was at work one morning when I said good morning to my boss. Moments later, his skeleton collapsed on the floor.

You think your day was bad, let me tell you about mine. I had just started working at an Italian restaurant and had someone train me on how to prepare the pizza dough. He had the dough spinning above his head when moments later his skeleton collapsed on the floor. I was pretty much clueless the rest of the day.

Your bad day was no worse than mine. It was the last inning of the championship game and we were down by one point. Our hopes were pinned on our star hitter who was up at bat. He managed to hit a home run but moments later his skeleton collapsed on the floor on the way back to home base. He was tagged out and we ended up losing the game.

And finally, some hate mail.

Do you seriously think we’re stupid? How is it possible for one’s skeleton to suddenly collapse on the floor? If you actually did a little research, you’d find out that (text ends here as the sender’s skeleton suddenly collapsed on the floor)

Thanks to everyone who wrote in. I feel better now. Kind of.

My bad day at work.

July 28, 2017

At work today I was stocking merchandise on the top shelf at the store where I work. Things were going smoothly until I cut open a box containing plastic bottles of vinegar. My blade went too far into the box and punctured one of the bottles and the next thing I knew, there was vinegar gushing out of the box.

On the shelf below the vinegar are boxes of baking soda. When the vinegar made contact with the baking soda, a huge, stinging foam was formed and began to spread throughout the shelf before dripping to the floor. I was panicking and trying to contain the foam but things were escalating beyond my control.

Then my boss came by and saw what was happening. Before he could say a word, there was a loud rumble that shook the shelf as more baking soda made contact with the vinegar and produced a giant waterfall of foam that poured down from the shelf. My boss was drenched and began screaming while stumbling backwards. Moments later, his skeleton collapsed on the floor.

So how was your day?

Executive order sends Washington into turmoil.

July 24, 2017

WASHINGTON – The already chaotic atmosphere around Washington was transformed into pure chaos when President Trump signed a new executive order that sent lawmakers, politicians, judges and fast food workers scrambling to decipher its meaning. The executive order, containing the words “A booga booga booga”, was signed by President Trump yesterday and was ordered to go into effect immediately. However, the order was greeted by confusion and chaos as no one knew exactly what it meant and how to enforce it.

An uncomfortable silence hung over Congress during marathon sessions as lawmakers could only sit silently and shake their heads when asked to implement the so-called “Booga order”. Some senators were seen holding the printout of the order sideways and upside down in an attempt to make any sense of the words without success. Others tried reading it without their glasses.

“We’re not having much luck here,” sighed a frustrated senator who requested anonymity. “We tried reaching the White House for clarification but the only response we got was ‘You already know’. This is getting more confusing by the minute.”

Federal judges were not having much luck with the Booga order either. Courtrooms across the country were packed with politicians and journalists eager for the judge’s interpretation but all that was heard was the sound of muffled flatulence from the bench.

In the meantime, President Trump expressed his frustration with an angry televised speech from the Oval Office. “What are you nincompoops waiting for?” Trump roared. “A booga booga!” Then he screamed a final “BOOGA!” while hitting his desk so hard that it broke in half.

After the trial.

July 17, 2017

The following story was inspired by last week’s criminal trial during which I served as a juror, but in no way does it express any opinions about it. It is strictly a work of fiction.

Ian collapsed on the couch in the living room and turned on the TV just as the evening news was starting.

“Good evening,” said the news anchor. “Our top story tonight, a shocking ending to a closely watched murder trial. We now go to the courthouse.”

“MOM!” Ian yelled. “You gotta see this!”

A reporter standing outside the courthouse began her report. “The murder trial of Ian White ended on a surprising note today when a jury took only 15 minutes to find Mr. White not guilty of grand theft auto, fleeing and eluding, and first degree murder. The defendant was immediately released from custody after all charges were dropped.”

“And here I am at home, free as a bird!” Ian yelled.

“Ian, be quiet!” Ian’s mother yelled back, watching the coverage of Ian’s trial which ended earlier in the day.

The reporter continued, “We caught up with the foreman of the jury, and he had this to say.”

Then a man appeared on the screen. “Well, we were set to convict him on all the charges, but somehow we got a change of heart and decided to acquit him instead. I can’t explain how it happened, but it did.”

The reporter came back on camera. “Mr. White was accused of stealing his mother’s car and then picking up his friend Steve Strominger so they could go to The Bloody Duck strip club. They left hours later heavily intoxicated and Mr. White tried driving his friend home, but not without swerving all over the road.”

As the reporter continued her report, a blurry, mysterious figure dressed in a black, hooded robe walked across the background far behind the reporter. Then it stopped, turned to the camera, and flashed its mysterious white eyes.

The reporter continued, not noticing the hooded figure behind her, “A police car tried to pull him over, but Mr. White gave chase and soon crashed his car into the Intracoastal Waterway, where he swam safely to shore while leaving his friend behind in the sinking car to drown.”

The figure resumed its walk and disappeared from the camera’s view as the reporter finished, “The verdict has sent shock waves throughout the legal community as it promises to launch a vicious debate on the integrity of the American justice system.”

“I still think you got away with murder,” Ian’s mother said.

“Says you!” Ian retorted. “I’m a free man now. Deal with it.”

“Something’s not right here,” she muttered as she walked out of the living room.

That night, Ian lay in bed in his dark bedroom, still overcome with relief from the stressful week just concluded. He still couldn’t believe what had happened. Then the quiet was shattered by a voice.

“Feeling good about yourself, Ian?”

Ian gasped. His heart began pumping harder when he realized he was no longer alone.

“Who’s there?” Ian asked.

“Turn on the light and see.”

Ian slowly reached for the bedroom light and when the bedroom became filled with light, he could see the horrific sight that made up his unexpected visitor. It was a bloated, pale corpse of a heavyset man, dripping wet as if just pulled out of the water.

“YOU KILLED ME!” screamed Steve before lunging forward, his hands ready to wrap themselves around Ian’s neck.

Notes from jury duty, day 5.

July 14, 2017

This morning the prosecution and the defense were scheduled to give their closing arguments but they were still lying on the floor while resting on their cases, so the judge told us to go ahead and begin deliberations. When we arrived at the jury room, we saw boxes everywhere containing the evidence and eyewitnesses relevant to the case.

“Aww, man, I don’t wanna do this,” groaned one of the jurors.

“Neither do I,” said another, “Have you all made up your minds yet?”

“Yeah, have you?”

“Sure did. Why don’t we take a vote?”

We took a vote and it turned out we all had already made up our minds on the verdict. I breathed a sigh of relief. The deliberations weren’t going to take the rest of the year after all.

“Back so soon?” asked the judge as we filed back into the courtroom. “Have you reached a verdict?”

“We have, your honor,” replied one of the jurors. “We find ourselves not guilty by reason of insanity.”

“Works for me,” the judge said, banging his gavel.

And we went wee wee wee all the way home.

Notes from jury duty, day 4.

July 13, 2017

This morning the defense launched a full-scale attack on a man wearing a dog suit outside the courthouse and playing the ukulele while singing, “Tiptoe Through The Tulips”. The man had nothing to do with the case but was responsible for people twitching upon arriving at the courthouse. Ultimately he was relocated to the Walmart just up the street.

Then the trial continued as more witnesses were called to testify only to undergo a grueling cross-examination from the opposing side. One witness was so heavily hammered with questions that he had to be pried from his seat with a spatula. Another witness was equally grilled, but we decided to cook some hamburgers and hot dogs while the heat was still sufficient.

Just when we were about to take a break for lunch, one of the prosecutors shouted, “Wait, here are some more disgusting crime scene photos! See the brain fragments oozing out of the victim’s nose?” Seeing as how we were no longer hungry, the court session continued with more testimony from witnesses detailing extremely graphic descriptions of the crime. We had to take a break every 5 minutes just to empty our stomachs.

After the last witness left the stand, one of the defense attorneys suddenly screamed, “Objection!” Then one of the prosecutors yelled back, “Objection!” This went on for several minutes until the judge intervened and asked, “What are you objecting for?” To which the attorneys replied, “Nothing, we just like saying that word.”

Then the prosecutors and defense attorneys collapsed on the floor and began snoring. The judge announced, “Well, it appears the two sides have rested. Tomorrow you all will begin deliberations.  To make things easier for you, we’ll reprint the disgusting crime scene photos in black and white.”

Notes from jury duty, day 3.

July 12, 2017

This morning the judge announced, “It has come to my attention that someone in the jury has been blogging about this trial despite my making it clear that this is not allowed. I’m going to say the word gooble-de-glop* now, and if I find it anywhere online tonight, I’m going to declare a mistrial!”

Just as the trial resumed, a group of people claiming to represent Tooters For Truth stormed into the courtroom yelling, “The defendant is innocent! She was framed! Her neighbor planted the evidence along with the tomatoes! We have the proof! TOOT TOOT!” To which the judge replied, “Sorry, you have the wrong courtroom. The murder case is next door.”

Before the trial could resume, it was interrupted by a TV crew filming an episode of Order & Law and the courtroom was turned into a scene for the episode in which we played the jury. Within a matter of hours, both sides presented their scripted case and we proceeded with the scripted deliberations before delivering the scripted verdict. After filming had wrapped up, we asked the judge why the real trial wasn’t progressing this quickly, he replied, “Sorry, this is real life. It’s a completely different world than what you see on TV.” When we asked, “What channel is that on?”, he said to check the TV listings.

The bizarre day in court ended with shouting coming from the courtroom next door. We all sat silently as we heard, “Raise your right hand. Now put your left hand here.” Then we heard another voice yell, “Take off your hat!”

* Spelling has been changed to throw off the judge.

Notes from jury duty, day 2.

July 11, 2017

This morning I walked into the courtroom with a large spider on my head. Everyone tried to ignore it but nonetheless I could feel the stares all morning.

During the morning break I learned the hard way to never greet a lawyer while at the courthouse. I said good morning to a lawyer on the defense team and he yelled, “I OBJECT!” 

The trial finally got started after a new jury was assembled from a jury pool of humans rather than a group of stray cats collected from the alley outside the courthouse.

During testimony from one of the witnesses, I accidentally let out a loud fart. The judge banged his gavel and shouted, “Odor in the court!” There was short delay before the trial resumed as the courtroom reporter didn’t know how to transcribe a loud fart.

Later in the testimony, the witness and the defense attorney engaged in a shouting match that threw the trial into chaos. The judge kept banging his gavel and yelling, “Order in the court!” To which the jury yelled back, “PIZZA!” And so pizza was ordered and delivered to the courtroom, which did much to calm things down.

Before concluding the trial for the day, the judge warned us not to have any breakfast tomorrow morning as we would be looking at some Very Disgusting Crime Scene Photos That Look Like Smooshed Jelly Donuts. He promised to reward us with a breakfast of smooshed jelly donuts.