A train wreck of an excursion.

Everyone aboard knew the old train wasn’t going to make it. It was struggling with all its might but it just couldn’t reach the top of the steep incline that was part of a track designed to take us tourists around the mountain. Suddenly the engine quit and even with the brakes on, the train began slowly sliding backwards. Then came a somber announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to inform you that our train has run out of coal. To add insult to injury, the brakes are failing and will not hold us stopped on this steep incline for much longer. It will only be a matter of time before we start rolling backwards at high speed back into town before our train smashes itself to smithereens. Therefore I ask that we all rise and observe a moment of dignity before our unexpected and unfortunate demises.”

We all rose to our feet as a man holding an acoustic guitar walked to the front of the cabin and began singing the Ozzy Osbourne classic “Crazy Train” as we all stood still, trying our best to ignore the trees streaking past the windows outside as the train rolled backwards into town at high speeds before smashing itself to smithereens.

There the train lay, now nothing but a pile of scrap metal with all of us buried underneath. Then pieces began to move as we all dug our way out of the wreckage, laughing and feeling the satisfaction from what had been an adrenaline rush available to those hungry for a thrill few have had the courage to seek.

“How was that?” the guide had to shout above our cheering. He didn’t need an answer, as our enthusiasm gave him the response he was expecting.

“That’s it for the train ride,” the guide announced. “Gather your belongings and don’t forget to stop by the gift shop for your souvenir picture taken just before the crash.”

We all thanked the guide and then raided the gift shop, making sure to purchase the “I Survived A Train Wreck” T-shirt along with our pictures. Meanwhile, the train outside was reassembled and readied for its next terrifying trip down the mountain.

Bonzi Cruises: A nightmare at sea.

I’m sure we all still remember Bonzi Buddy, that cute purple gorilla with the bad spying habits. I couldn’t help wonder what would have happened had Bonzi Software had stayed in business long enough for it to become a global business empire. I can see it launching its own discount cruise ship line but alas, the discounts would have come with steep prices of their own.

Passengers are advised to avoid the onboard shopping show at all costs. Hosted by a faceless animatronic robot with dangling glasses who goes by the name of Professor Wallet (“I am going to save you SOOO much money you won’t believe!”), the lowlight of the show is the firing of three cannons loaded with Cruise Cash coupons that supposedly ensure discounts for onboard purchases. The cannons are so loud that it leaves everyone’s ears ringing for the duration of the cruise. The coupons themselves are incinerated during the cannon fire, leaving behind nothing but ashes all over the auditorium. Attending this show is a total waste of time.

There is free wifi aboard the ship, but it comes with a serious catch. All online activity is monitored and the data used to suggest products and services based on that activity. Bartenders use this data to identify passengers with certain political views for engaging in shouting matches with them later should they decide to visit the bar. Privacy advocates have criticized Bonzi Cruises for spying on their passengers this way but the policies have remained firmly in place.

Not surprisingly, the Bonzi Buddy mascot makes appearances throughout the ship, including unannounced visits to passengers’ cabins while they sleep or take a shower. Terrified screams are common during the night and are hardly reason to ensure a good night’s sleep at all during the cruise.

The onboard entertainment is horrific, in fact none of the live shows are worth checking out. The comic Lenny Laff constantly cracks jokes on disasters that can break out on the ship, such as capsizing, catching fire and breaking in half. The magician Matt the Magic performs illusions of such inferior quality that the audience can easily see how they were done. The band Party Pants claims to perform top hits from decades past when all it does is play the same cheesy rhythm while repeatedly yelling out the song’s title. Little wonder that passengers have either attempted to escape the ship by manning the lifeboats or just jumping overboard altogether.

To keep prices low, the ship does not count its passengers prior to leaving port. It will not wait for those who are late returning to the ship and will leave without them. Afterwards their suitcases are salvaged and their contents sold at the onboard stores.

Don’t let the low fares mislead you. Bonzi Cruises charges for everything, from using the bathroom to accessing the elevators. There are charges for using the swimming pool, the hot tub and even for walking around on deck. This is one cruise line to avoid, in fact it’s cheaper to just stay home for the rest of your lives.

A different kind of excursion.

“Are you crazy?” my wife was surprised. “There’s kayaking, canoeing, hiking…”

“I know,” I sighed.

“…ziplining, bus tours, train rides…”

“I know,” I repeated.

“And you’d rather…?”

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” I insisted. “There really aren’t excursions like this anywhere else in the world!”

“No thanks, I’d rather stay in the cabin. Either that or go with you with a paper bag over my head. Go have fun on YOUR excursion.”

With that, my wife plopped down on the bed and refused to say another word. But I still wanted to do this, so I left the ship and went to my excursion on the dock.

“Welcome!” the guide greeted the small group of people who had gathered near the sign marking the site of the excursion. “No doubt you had to put up with snickering and words of disbelief from those in your travel group, but it’s well worth it as this is the only excursion of its kind in the entire world. I know you’re all excited, so let’s get started. Let me show you how to drive a forklift.”

A peculiar turn of events.

I needed a moment to digest what had just happened. There I stood, in the middle of the store where I worked while wearing nothing but my boxer shorts. All around me customers and coworkers snickered at my appearance. Yet just moments ago I was in my cabin of a cruise ship thousands of miles away. What happened?

“Mike! You’re back!” My boss interrupted my thoughts. He had joined the growing crowd of snickering gawkers. “Why aren’t you dressed for work? You know I can’t have you work like that.”

“But I’m on vacation,” I protested.

“Being on vacation doesn’t mean parading into the store in your boxer shorts. Go home and get dressed, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll forget we had this conversation,” my boss retorted. “And besides, your vacation ended last week.”

“But that’s impossible!” I exclaimed. “I’ve only been on vacation for a few days!”

“Go home and get dressed or else I’ll make your vacation permanent.”

I started feeling my pockets for my car keys but alas, my boxer shorts didn’t have pockets. I didn’t have my keys either. They were in my suitcase in my cabin where I was just moments ago.

Then it dawned on me. I knew I shouldn’t have found that hidden elevator on the ship that goes only to the 13th floor.

A burger buffet blowout.

After hearing complaint after complaint of how everyone kept working long hours to fix the never ending onslaught of problems with the network, Kevin decided to treat everyone to a burger buffet at Blue Batman* as a token of appreciation for all their hard work. As Kevin watched his employees help themselves to burger after burger, he noticed with some concern that Charles was sitting alone at the table and not eating.

“Charles!” Kevin approached the table where Charles sat, “Help yourself to a burger. You’ve earned it.”

“No thank you,” Charles replied.

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“I am starving.”

“Then have a burger!”

“No thank you.”

Then the other employees returned to the table with plates piled high with hamburgers and fries before sitting down to begin devouring them. Kevin watched them eat before turning his attention back to Charles, hoping the sight of everyone eating would change his mind.

“Good burgers, Robert?”

“They’re the best,” Robert replied with his mouth full. “Come on Charles, go get a burger.”

“No thank you,” Charles insisted.

“What’s wrong, Charles?” Kevin asked. “I know you’ve been spending long hours at the office, away from home and family just so you can keep our network going. I really appreciate your efforts and this luncheon was way overdue. Come on Charles, let’s get you a burger.”

“No thank you,” Charles was getting annoyed.

“I thought you said you were starving.”

“I am freakin’ starving.”

“Then help yourself to a burger!”

“ALL RIGHT!” Charles pounded his fists on the table with such force that burgers, fries and drinks jumped from the table. “I’LL GET A FREAKIN’ BURGER!”

Charles stormed to the burger bar and returned to the table with a single burger on his plate. Opening his mouth wide, he ate the entire burger in a single bite before washing it down with his iced tea. Everyone at the table could not believe their eyes.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Kevin asked incredulously.

“That’s not the worst of it.” Charles replied calmly.

“What do you mean?”

“Burgers give me really bad gas.”

As if to punctuate his point, Charles let out a deafening belch while letting out a loud, long fart. The entire table trembled from the noise and other diners stared at Charles in disgust. Then the waitress stormed up to the table and yelled at him to leave, but her words could not be heard above his continuous belching and farting that ensued, one right after the other. Finally Robert and another employee had to escort Charles outside to the parking lot where he continued his gaseous outburst that showed no signs of easing. But the damage was done. Everyone in the restaurant were staring at Kevin and his employees as if they were to blame for causing the commotion. Meanwhile they could still hear Charles belching and farting outside from the parking lot. Everyone quickly paid their checks and left, leaving Kevin and his staff still seated at the table and listening to the noise from outside.

Kevin and his staff were banned from ever eating at Blue Batman again.

* A play on Red Robin. Get it?

The Ungone.

Ding dong.

Ron answered the front door and saw his neighbor Peter whom he hadn’t seen in decades.

“Ron, how the hell are ya?” Peter asked. “Welcome home!”

“Thank you,” Ron smiled as they shared a tight embrace. “It’s great to be back.”

“And back in your old house,” Peter grinned back.

“And back in the old neighborhood, just the way it was before my transfer to Florida.”

“Amazing how time flies,” Peter shook his head. “The golden years sure catch up to you before you know it. ”

“Thanks for reminding me,” Ron sighed. “Please come in.”

Peter stepped inside and looked around the house before taking a seat in the living room next to Ron. “Looks nice in here. Just the way it was when you lived here back in the 60’s. Where’s the wife?”

“She’s out running some errands. She’ll be home shortly.”

“Ah. So how’s the rest of the family? Kids all grown up?”

There was an uncomfortable pause in the conversation before Ron responded, “Mostly.”

“Mostly? What happened?”

“Ian passed away last year.”

Another uncomfortable pause.

“Ron, I’m so sorry,” Peter replied softly. “What happened to him?”

“Well, basically I threw him out of the house. He spent his 50 years just idling away in his room with no job, no education and no desire to move out and start living his own life. I lost my patience with him and just showed him the door.”

Peter nodded.  “Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.”

Ron nodded back. “Anyway, a month later, someone found Ian’s body in the woods. It’s sad to see a life wasted like that.”

“Ron, no one ever lives a wasted life.”

Yet another uncomfortable silence began to set in. Peter’s eyes began wandering around the living room before they focused on what looked like a family portrait hanging on the wall. Ron noticed this and spoke up, “That was taken at Disney World last month. A family reunion of sorts.”

Peter stood up and walked to the portrait for a closer look. “Nice. Ah, there’s Jeff and Sue. I still remember them when they were just kids. And now, they’re all grown up with families of their own.”

Then Peter fell silent. The silence lingered to the point where Ron began to sense something was wrong.

“Are you all right, Peter?”

“Ron, did you say Ian passed away last year?”

“Yes, I did.”

“And this picture was taken last month?”

“Yes. Why do you ask?”

Peter turned to face Ron. “Ian’s in this picture.”

What?

“Take a look at this.”

Ron stood up and joined Peter. Peter pointed a shaky finger at the person standing behind Ron in the portrait.

“Oh my God,” Ron whispered. “You’re right.”

An astronomical anomaly.

Last week the scientific world was rocked by footage received from the Calvin And Hobbes Space Telescope showing an asteroid being swallowed by a black hole. Upon further analysis of this footage, astronomers have released a detailed report that promise to transmit even more shock waves across the already rattled international consortium of individuals with abnormally high levels of intelligence.

The newly released footage clearly shows the unfortunate asteroid, now named 0H.N035, drifting near the black hole before accelerating towards its demise. As the stunned astronomers continued watching, 0H.N035 appeared to completely disappear inside the black hole, as if to enforce the black hole’s reputation for preventing anything from escaping once swallowed. A moment later, however, something unexpected happened. A small projectile suddenly appeared behind the black hole as if suddenly launched into flight from nowhere. The Calvin And Hobbes Space Telescope tracked the movement of this projectile as it sailed towards Earth, penetrated the atmosphere and landing on someone’s head as they lounged in their back yard somewhere in South Florida. The projectile was recovered and sent to the regional office of National Aeronautics and Space Conquistador Administration (NASCA) for analysis.

After analysis was complete, NASCA held an impromptu press conference to announce the first confirmed existence of black hole shit.

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This post is a work of fiction. But then again, you never know.