Signs.

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…………
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

A senior’s medicine cabinet.

It has taken me many, many months of my retirement time, but I have just finished building my new Medicine Cabinet. I don’t know about you, but I think it was well worth the time and expense.

image0011
image0022
image0033
Disease
Wine
Daily dose
Allergies
Chardonnay de Paeuf
1 glass
Anemia
Graves
4 glass
Bronchitis

Bourgogne or Bordeaux

> ( + sugar and cinnamon )

3 cups
Constipation
Anjou blanc electricity . Vouvray
4 glass
Coronary arteries
Dry Champagne
4 glass
Diarrhea
Beaujolais Nouveau
4 glass
Fever
Champagne sec
1 bottle
Heart
Burgundy , Santenay Rouge
Two glass
Uric acid gout
Sancerre , Pouilly Fume
4 glass
Hypertension
Alsace , Sancerre
4 glass
Menopause
Menopause
Saint Emilion
Depression
Rhine
4 glass
Obesity
Burgundy
4 glass
Obesity
Rose Provence
1 bottle
Rheumatism
Champagne
4 glass
Excessive weight loss
Chateau de Beaune
4 glass

From the American Association Of Retired People

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find
younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the
basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your
60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems
with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the
problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior
citizens ?
A: Nudity
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year
olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
SMILE, You’ve still got your
sense of humor!

Are we the ones with dementia?

DEMENTIA

ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA?
ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING?

ONE
Recently, when I to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true…)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn’t have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.
(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
Hmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered,handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long      walk….’

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency right now!’

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too.
Don’t laugh….it is all true…

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now! And remember,

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

Thoughts to ponder.

01. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead’s.

02. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

03. I live in my own little world but it’s OK; everyone knows me here.

04. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”

05. I don’t do drugs ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

06. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”

07. Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

08. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

09. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?

10. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have “Schiffer Brains.”

18. No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

21. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!

26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

27. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

28. When I was young, we used to go “skinny dipping.” Now I just go “chunky dunking.”

29. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place.

30. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press “Ctrl Alt delete and start all over?

31. Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

32. Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

33. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

34. Bumper sticker of the year:

“If you can read this, thank a teacher–and since it’s in English, thank a soldier.”

Exercise for people over 60.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags .

Then try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Teacher arrested.

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a problem for us”, the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say: “There are three sides to every triangle”.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons on math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes”.

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Do you have an old newspaper?

“DO YOU HAVE AN OLD NEWSPAPER?”

I was visiting with my daughter last night when I asked if she had an old newspaper.

‘This is the 21st century, she said. ‘I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’

I can tell you this: That damn fly never knew what hit him.

Walk with me as I get older.

mime-attachmentWalk With Me As I Get Older

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me – then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. “Walk with me as I get Older” – worth the read…

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

mime-attachment

Shit, I forgot the words……

Frozen windows.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s Morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“Computer really screwed up now.”