Connecting your LG TV to your wireless network.

I recently acquired an LG Smart TV that helped bring my living room into the new century with its amazing picture quality and all its bells and whistles. However, I hit a small snag when I tried to connect it to my wireless network. After entering my password, the TV would stay connected for about a minute before it dropped and forgot about its connection. I tried to research this issue online and tried implementing a few suggested solutions, including disabling my wireless security and creating an LG account for it to save my settings, but nothing seemed to work.

What fixed the problem for me was simply resetting my Wi-Fi password to the default password, which is printed on the side of the modem. I was previously using a generated 63-character long mess of letters, numbers and characters to try making my wireless network as secure as possible. All my other wireless devices worked despite the complicated password, so I don’t know why the TV couldn’t stay connected. That’s the least of my worries, though, for my TV finally the works as intended.

Secrets of his success.

After the applause had faded, the stage lights dimmed as Ian stepped up to the microphone for his monologue.

​”Very often I’m asked to reveal the secrets of my success. It’s quite simple. Never give up on your dreams.”

​The audience responded with applause.

​”Most people don’t pursue their dreams because it may seem overwhelming. It doesn’t have to be. Just break it down into smaller steps. Take me, for instance. One day I would practice my guitar and the next, I would reach out to people with experience doing a live radio show. Soon everything fell in place, and here I am on stage, doing The Orlando Program.”

​More applause.

​”Look at it like climbing Mount Everest. It seems overwhelming when you see it as a whole, but not so when you break it down into smaller destinations. With a little persistence, even you can reach the top.”

​Even more applause.

“And now I’d like to bring out our special guest, someone whom you may recognize but at the same time, you’ve never seen him. Here’s Me As A Nobody.”

A dark, shadowy figure drifted out onto the stage. The audience was unsure how to make of this strange arrival and held its applause.

Pointing to the Nobody, Ian continued, “This is what happens when you hold all your dreams in. Along with them you hold yourself back with your talents forever hidden. This is also what happens when you don’t believe in yourself and your potential. Nobody ever gets to see what you’re capable of because you keep holding yourself back. As in the case of Me As A Nobody, nobody else believed in him because he didn’t believe in himself. Soon he lost everything, including contact with his family and all the money in the bank. Just about the only thing he has left is the will to live.”

“That’s right,” the Nobody spoke up with its deep, sinister rasp of a voice. “And as long as I continue to exist, so will your pathetic show.”

“Observe the Nobody’s excessive negative mood,” Ian pointed out.

“Let me finish,” the Nobody continued. “The success you’re enjoying right now, this so-called radio show of yours, is not real. It is only a figment of my mind reminding me of what my life could have been had I made the effort.”

“Um, this show is not a figment,” Ian stammered. “I earned it through years of patience and hard work!”

“You don’t understand,” the Nobody retorted. “None of this is real. Once I disappear from this world, so will your show and your dreams. In fact, you’ll wake up right back where you started, back in your bedroom, back to dreaming but wide awake in your sadness.”

“That’s not true!” Ian began to panic. “I’m living the dream!”

“And sadly, all dreams must end,” the Nobody muttered as it began to rise above the stage. Slowly the stage, the microphone and the audience began to dissolve to blackness, leaving Ian alone and confused in the dark.

Behind him a light began to shine and Ian walked towards it, right back to his bedroom, right back at his parents’ house where he had lived, right back to dreaming of a better life, right back to Square One.

 

Departmental Restructuring.

“Say what?” Robert asked.

“What?” Kevin replied as he looked back at Robert who was seated at his desk.

“The subject of this post. It reads Departmental Restructuring. What’s up with that?”

“Ah, yes,” Kevin beamed, “I have plans to restructure the Information Systems department by expanding our office to make it bigger, better and more responsive to the needs of the hospital.”

“But why? Our department is already ideally sized. Why make it bigger?”

“Because of the feeling of awe a larger building induces when you walk inside. That’s the way of the future! You can’t compete when you work in such a small office! You gotta dream BIG! Take a look at this!”

Kevin produced a large drawing of his rendition of the restructured office. As Robert examined it, his mouth dropped open. What the hell is this?

The drawing depicted a large indoor lake with several desks along the perimeter of the shoreline. In the middle of the lake was a small island with a small desk on it. Robert read the handwritten label scribbled near its location.

​​”Director Island?” Robert mused.

​​”Director Island,” Kevin repeated with a smile. “Even better, when you need to see me, you can use the canoe.”

​”CANOE?!” Robert yelled. “I gotta go canoeing just to see you?”

​​”Well, a powerboat would be too noisy.”

​”I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!” Robert jumped up. “You don’t restructure a department by propping your desk on a small island in the middle of an indoor lake! What about improving the network infrastructure and utilizing cloud computing for increased efficiency? That would be a way more realistic goal for your vision for streamlining our operations without making this office any bigger than it needs to be.”

​Kevin took a deep breath. “Well, I kind of already kind of started. ”

​Robert was confused. “What do you mean, ‘kind of already kind of started’?”

​”Well, I kind of already kind of made kind of arrangements for the kind of demolition.”

​Robert held on to his head as if trying to keep it from falling off. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, what about the demolition?”

​”I kind of made the arrangements.”

​”For the DEMOLITION?”

​”Kind of yeah.”

​​”When is that?”

​”Right now.”

​< < K A B L O O I E > >

One instant later, Robert and Kevin were on a cloud, still seated as they had been throughout their meeting. Both looked around and saw clouds everywhere, including some smaller ones shaped like computers hovering near where they sat.

“Oh, look!” Kevin pointed. “Cloud computers! I’d say we’re off to a good start.”

“Whatever,” Robert muttered as he flapped his angel wings and flew off to a different cloud while strumming the strings on his harp.

Soup or Science.

And now it’s time for America’s favorite game show, SOUP OR SCIENCE! And now here’s your host, Ian Matthews!

IAN: Hello and welcome to Soup or Science! With me is today’s contestant Steve! Steve, how are you?

STEVE: All right.

IAN: Are you ready to play Soup or Science?

STEVE: Yeah.

IAN: The rules are simple. I’m going to read you from a list of words and you just tell me if each word is either a scientific term or just a bowl of soup. Easy, huh?

STEVE: Yeah.

IAN: Okay, let’s play Soup or Science! Round One. Alphabet. Soup or Science?

STEVE: Alphabet, let’s see, alphabet… SOUP! Alphabet soup!

IAN: CORRECT! Round Two. Chicken. Soup or Science?

STEVE: Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken…SOUP! Chicken soup!

IAN: YOU GOT IT! Now for Round Three. Fagioli. Soup or Science?

STEVE: Hmmm, wow, that’s a tough one. That really doesn’t sound like a soup, so I’m going to say Science.

IAN: Really. What do you think a fagioli is?

STEVE: I think it’s a species of donkey in France.

IAN: Interesting. But is he right?

(BUZZER)

IAN: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Fagioli is actually a soup.

STEVE: Say what?

IAN: Have you ever eaten at an Italian restaurant? They serve pasta fagioli, which is a type of soup. I’m sorry Steve, but you lose the game. Thanks for playing and be careful, don’t get kicked in the head by a fagioli! (Exaggerated laughter as STEVE leaves the stage) Thanks for watching and we’ll see you next time on Soup or Science!

Happy 2019, I think.

mjbdiver> hello room!
ghost> oh no divers back
ralph> and his falling b*lls
*** ralph have been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (DONT SAY IT)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ralph> I DIDNT SAY IT
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (NO CAPS)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ralph> you kicked me twice in the last minute, wanna go for three?
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (THIRD TIMES THE CHARM)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ralph> thanks a lot
dragon> your welcome
mjbdiver> hey, is anyone here on Facebook?
ghost> what
ralph> whats a face book
dragon> did u mean foot book
ralph> or finger book
ghost> or arm book
ralph> or butt book
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (BUTT BOOK)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ralph> what was that for ?
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (NO SPACES AFTER PUNCTUATION ALLOWED)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ghost> wow ralph got kicked five times tonight
ralph> SHUT UP GHOST
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (HOW ABOUT SIX)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ralph> how about i just shut up
mjbdiver> hey, is anyone here on Twitter?
ghost> what
ralph> whats a twitter
dragon> i think you mispelled twister
ralph> i think you mispelled mispelled
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (THIS IS NOT A SPELLING BEE)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ghost> seven times
ralph> SHUT UP GHOST
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (EIGHT)
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (NINE)
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (TEN)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ralph> how did u do that
mjbdiver> hey, is anyone here on Instagram?
ghost> what
ralph> how many grams in an instagram
mjbdiver> get ready!
ghost> for what
ralph> for what
dragon> for what
mjbdiver> 10!
ralph> 10 grams in an instagram?
mjbdiver> 9!
ghost> oh no divers doing that again, dragon do something
dragon> im watching him
mjbdiver> 8!
ghost> 7 lol
ralph> 6 lol
mjbdiver> 5!
ghost> DRAGON PLEASE
*** ghost has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND)
*** ghost has joined channel #chat
ralph> haha, ghost got kicked
ghost> SHUT UP RALPH
mjbdiver> 4!
*** ghost has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (SHUT UP YOURSELF)
*** ghost has joined channel #chat
ghost> that was uncalled for
mjbdiver> 3!
ghost> im going to bed
ralph> me too, dragon do the honors please
mjbdiver> 2!
mjbdiver> 1!
*** You has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (SEE YOU NEXT YEAR)

An alternate ending of Origin.

I just finished reading Origin, a thrilling and thought-provoking novel by Dan Brown. As is typical of stories I find myself enjoying, I started imagining my own humorous twists and turns, such as this possible ending.

At last. The late Edmond Kirsch’s controversial video presentation was set to stream over the Internet, despite countless protests from religious leaders and followers alike from all over the globe. They tried their best to prevent the presentation from airing, which was probably why Kirsch was murdered in the first place. But none of that mattered now. His friend and mentor Robert Langdon had gained access to the presentation itself and, determined to honor his friend’s legacy, began the streaming. Within seconds Kirsch’s face appeared on computer screens all over the world.

“Hello,” Kirsch said, “I’m sure you’re curious about my big discovery that definitively answers the two big questions that we’ve been asking ourselves since the beginning of time, or more specifically, the beginning of our existence on this planet. Those questions are, Where did we come from, and Where are we going?

“Throughout the centuries, countless scientists have tackled these questions and despite their best efforts, failed to even come close to providing some satisfactory answers. But none of these scientists had the technology and resources that I have.

“For you see, through my own research, I have solved the puzzle of our origins as well as where we’re headed. I know exactly how the universe began and how life originated on Earth, and I have the evidence and calculations to prove it. The huge publicity surrounding my discovery has generated tremendous amounts of controversy that has threatened my safety, which is why I am videotaping this presentation ahead of time in the likely event that someone may try to silence me.

“Well, you all have waited long enough. It is time for me to reveal our exact origins, starting with the beginning of the universe and how it began. For you see, it all began like this.”

The camera began closing in on Kirsch’s face as he looked down to the floor, presumably for dramatic effect. Then his eyes met the camera once again as he raised his hands to the sides of his head with thumbs in his ears.

A booga booga booga!” he yelled before turning around and crashing through the wall behind him, leaving behind an opening that saw him running off towards the trees on the horizon.

Robert Langdon shook his head with a trace of a smile while watching the presentation streaming on his phone.

Ever the eccentric, ever the prankster.

Apologies to Dan Brown


Would you rather?

I was sitting at my desk at home paying bills while playing a game of “Would You Rather” with my smart speaker.

“Would you rather predict the future or change the past?” it asked.

“Change the past,” I replied.

“You are unique,” my smart speaker responded. “47% of people agree with you. Next question. Would you rather have a book written about you or a song written about you?”

“Song written about me.”

“I like the way you think. 53% of people agree with you. Next question. Would you rather drown in the bathtub or self-combust in the kitchen?”

I looked up at my smart speaker.

What kind of question was that?

“95% of people agree with you,” the smart speaker said without waiting for my response. “Next question. Would you rather be squeezed to death by a boa constrictor or trampled on by a herd of elephants?”

No way I’m answering this.

“Stop,” I said to my smart speaker, hoping to put an end to this typically family-friendly game.

“45% of people agree with you. Next question. Would you rather gouge out your eyes or cut off your tongue?”

“STOP!”

“76% of people agree with you. Next question. Would you rather-“

Before I could hear the next question, I unplugged my smart speaker, opened the window and threw it out on the street. Then I gasped at the sight I had just seen.

There were smart speakers flying out the windows of homes all over my neighborhood.