The Aisles of the Forbidden.

Don’t go to aisle 47, sir, don’t go to aisle 47

The customer ventured to aisle 47
Then the lights went out and the silence quick to deaden
Now the customer’s gone but he didn’t go to heaven

Don’t go to aisle 48, sir, don’t go to aisle 48

The customer proceeded to aisle 48
I really tried to stop him, but it was much too late
He wound up as the main course on a giant dinner plate

Don’t go to aisle 49, sir, don’t go to aisle 49

The customer insisted on aisle 49
The next thing that unfolded was anything but fine
He was digitized and then transferred one byte at a time

Don’t go to aisle 50, sir, don’t go to aisle 50

I didn’t even watch as he entered aisle 50
The details were too sketchy and the demise rather iffy
That was when I quit my job and ran out in a jiffy

The legend of Locust Lane.

Recently I went for a long bike ride that took me through the nearby town of Lake Park. Along the way I passed a vacant lot with a very antiquated sign standing along the road. Locust Lane was its name and I sensed it contained quite a bit of history, if only I knew what it was.

The sign marking the entrance to Locust Lane.

After I returned home, I uploaded the above picture to a Facebook group devoted to memories of places long since gone from the Palm Beaches. It got plenty of likes along with this reply:

Why is that horrible place still there? It’s been condemned for years, yet the County won’t touch it. I don’t blame them, though. You want to know how Locust Lane got its name? Well, I’ll tell you.

During the 1940’s a team of surveyors arrived at that very spot to start the measurements. One of the surveyors, a William Macz, stepped on a mound of dirt that triggered a flood of locusts as large as rats that ate him alive. So swift was the attack that moments later, Macz’s skeleton was seen standing upright with its jaw still gaping in terror. The other two surveyors fled the scene and never returned. They later christened the lot Locust Lane but the legend had already circulated around town to the point of the lot remaining forever vacant.

As for the giant locusts, they have never been seen again, but some suspect that they are still sleeping in their underground nest, waiting for their next unsuspecting victim to devour into giant locust shit.

GrinLeaper

Donald Trump just nailed it

For five minutes the meeting was unable to proceed due to the room filled with uproarious laughter.

“Oh man, that’s a good one!” gasped online publisher Pill Balmer.

But staff writer Hobert Rarrington remained adamant. “Think of the traffic that headline will bring to Balmer Report. I think it’s going to be the most clicked link on the entire site. Our revenue from the ads will fly through the roof!”

“But here’s the problem, though,” Balmer leaned forward. “I want our site to focus on factual reporting. It’s the one thing that separates us from the other political news sites. I don’t mind using that headline but we need facts to back it up.”

“That’s going to be tough,” Journalist Khirley Sennedy spoke up. “Trump’s been pretty much out of the public eye since he left office. He hasn’t made any public appearances anywhere, much less gave any interviews. And with him banned from the major social media sites, he can’t reach out to anyone anymore. Bummer, there’s really nothing to back up that headline.”

“Unless,” fellow journalist Sames Jullivan spoke up, “we look at ‘nailed it’ in a literal sense, as in actually using a hammer and nail to say, hang some pictures.”

“Hanging pictures? That’s news?” Balmer balked.

“At least we’ll get to use that headline.”

Donald Trump just nailed it

Nowadays former President Donald Trump stays busy by hanging pictures in the hallway of his South Florida home using none other than a hammer and some nails…

Adventure Poll #37.

Results of yesterday’s poll:

Open parachute – 0%
Recite magic spell – 0%
Do nothing and hope this is a dream – 0%

You land on the ground with such force that your life functions cease immediately. As a result your adventure has reached a tragic conclusion with the treasure forever lost. Good luck next time.

Tomorrow: A new adventure begins with a trek through a haunted house!

Happy 2021, I think.

mjbdiver> hello room!
ghost> i knew it
ralph> not again
dragon> just when 2020 couldnt get any worse
ghost> oooo
ralph> oooo
mjbdiver> well, 2020 can’t get any worse than it already is
ghost> how
ralph> how
dragon> how
mjbdiver> there’s only a few minutes left in 2020
ghost> oh
dragon> oh
ralph> WELL 2020 JUST GOT WORSE CAUSE DIVERS HERE
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (SORRY TO MAKE YOUR 2020 WORSE)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ralph> that was uncalled for
ghost> at least i didnt get kicked this time
*** ghost has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (FEEL BETTER NOW?)
*** ghost has joined channel #chat
ghost> dragon you hurt my feelings
*** ghost has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (SOWWY TO HURT YOUR FEEWINGS)
*** ghost has joined channel #chat
ghost> i didnt need that
ralph> 2020 sucked
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (BIG TIME)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ralph> that was uncalled for
ghost> we cant say that 2020 sucked????
*** ghost has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (NOPE)
*** ghost has joined channel #chat
ghost> dragon you hurt my feelings
ralph> i swear the rules in this chat get weirder and weirder
ghost> what do you mean
ralph> cant say sucked or talk about falling balls
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (LAAAAAAAAAAA)
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (DUM DUM DUMMMMM)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ghost> wow ralph got kicked twice
ralph> SHUT UP GHOST
ralph> OH NO
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (ONE FOR THE MONEY)
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (TWO FOR THE SHOW)
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (THREE TO GET READY)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ghost> and GO GO GO
*** ghost has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (THATS MY LINE)
*** ghost has joined channel #chat
ghost> dragon you hurt my feelings
ralph> that was uncalled for
mjbdiver> you guys are too funny
ghost> SO IS YOUR FACE
ghost> OH NO
*** ghost has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (HI FUNNY FACE)
*** ghost has joined channel #chat
ghost> dragon you hurt my feelings
mjbdiver> don’t worry, 2021 is going to be better
ghost> diver how do you know
ralph> 2021 a better year, yeah right
ghost> diver how do you know
ralph> yeah diver how do you know
ghost> DIVER HOW DO YOU KNOW
*** ghost has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (YEAH DIVER HOW DO YOU KNOW)
*** ghost has joined channel #chat
ghost> dragon you hurt my feelings
mjbdiver> I just know 2021 is going to be a better year
ghost> yeah right
mjbdiver> and here we go!
ralph> what
ghost> oh no its diver and his falling balls again
*** ghost has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (BOING BOING BOING)
*** ghost has joined channel #chat
ghost> dragon you hurt my feelings
mjbdiver> 10!
ralph> here he goes again
ghost> yah diver and what comes before 10
mjbdiver> 9!
ghost> divers so smart
ralph> im going to bed
ghost> yah me too
dragon> same here
mjbdiver> 8!
ralph> 8 what?
ghost> this is going nowhere fast
mjbdiver> 7!
ralph> i dont have to put up with this anymore
mjbdiver> 6!
ghost> dragon do your stuff
mjbdiver> 5!
ralph> this is getting really annoying
ghost> this is getting really annoying
ralph> thats what i just said
mjbdiver> 4!
mjbdiver> 3!
ralph> okay dragon now
mjbdiver> 2!
ghost> dragon do it
ralph> DO IT
ralph> OH NO
*** ralph has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (I JUST DID)
*** ralph has joined channel #chat
ralph> that was uncalled for
mjbdiver> 1!
*** You has been kicked off channel #chat by dragon (SEE YOU NEXT YEAR)

How to get free jalapeno pepper plants from Papa John’s.

I know this sounds far-fetched, but there is a way to get free jalapeno pepper plants from Papa John’s. As you know, there’s a single jalapeno pepper that comes with each order. Whether you eat this pepper or not, be sure to save the seeds, which can be planted in a seed starter kit like this one.


I add some water in the container before keeping it outside where it can get some sun and warmth. About 5 days later, the seeds will sprout.


At this point I’m planning on keeping the sprouts in the container a little longer before I move them to their own flowerpot. Then I’ll start enjoying my own bounty of jalapeno peppers, courtesy of Papa John’s.

I’ll update this blog with pictures of my plants as they grow and definitely the peppers they produce. Stay tuned.

My husband is a robot!

BOREY: Everyone please welcome Kristin to The Borey Show.

[APPLAUSE]

BOREY: Backstage is Robert, her husband of 15 years. In recent months however, their love has been overshadowed by some disturbing allegations. Kristin believes her husband is actually a robot.

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

KRISTIN: That’s right, and I have the evidence to prove it! A few months ago Robert came home from work and said his battery was low!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: Did you ask him what he meant by that?

KRISTIN: I did, and he just smiled before he made a loud BEE-YOOOP sound as he collapsed on the sofa!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: What other evidence do you have?

KRISTIN: A few days later I was looking for him but didn’t know where he went. I called for him and he said he was in the garage. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was charging! CHARGING!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: And you have one final piece of evidence that you say proves indefinitely that your husband’s a robot.

KRISTIN: Yes, one day I asked him to help me with the laundry and he said “Yes, dear” in a monotone voice and made these noises like a robot walking while walking like a ROBOT!

[AUDIENCE GASPS IN TERROR]

BOREY: Okay, let’s bring out your husband Robert, or shall I say Robot? Come on out, Robert!

[AUDIENCE STARTS BOOING AND MIMICKING ROBERT BY MOVING THEIR ARMS LIKE ROBOTS. KRISTIN MOVES ROBERT’S CHAIR TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STAGE]

BOREY: Robert! What do you think of Kristin’s allegations?

ROBERT: They’re crazy! I’m not a robot and Kristin knows it!

KRISTIN: Yes you are! Yes you are!

BOREY: What’s up with the story about your battery being low?

ROBERT: That’s just another way of saying I was tired! Sheesh, you didn’t have to take that literally!

KRISTIN: But you made that BEE-YOOOP sound as you collapsed on the sofa!

ROBERT: That was just a silly sound effect! Just because I made the BEE-YOOOP sound doesn’t make me a robot! That’s like saying my going BEEP BEEP makes me a car!

KRISTIN: You’re a car too?

BOREY: Actually, Robert does have a point. What about the time Kristin found out you were charging in the garage?

ROBERT: I was charging the battery on my motorcycle! How does that make me a robot?

BOREY: Oh, so you have a motorcycle?

ROBERT: I do have a motorcycle and was doing some routine maintenance that night. What else is there?

BOREY: What about the time Kristin asked you for help with the laundry and you started acting like a robot?

ROBERT: So I acted like a robot! Kristin, you really know how to really blow this up way out of proportion! You need a sense of humor, you know that?

KRISTIN: I can’t get a sense of humor living with a robot like you!

ROBERT: I AM NOT A ROBOT!

BOREY: All right, let’s settle this once and for all. Last night we gave Robert a robot detector test and I have the results right here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AS BOREY STANDS AND RETRIEVES AN ENVELOPE FROM A STAGEHAND. BOREY SITS DOWN AND OPENS IT.]

BOREY: Okay, Robert, last night we splashed a glass of water on your face. The robot detector determined that you did not short out.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

ROBERT: I told you I wasn’t a robot!

KRISTIN: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

[KRISTIN AND ROBERT EMBRACE AMIDST THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER: Up next, a man who’s convinced his wife is a bag of potato chips. Only on Borey!

Written at Henry’s.

Right now, I am in my room at Henry’s house. My parents aren’t talking with me ever since I quit my job and moved in with him. I wish I could describe how Henry’s face lit up when I said I would move in with him and spend the rest of my life with him.

The living’s okay here. I have a nice bedroom in the middle of the house, cleverly disguised so that it looks like a closet when seen from Henry’s bedroom. There aren’t any windows here either. Just a waterbed, a small dresser and a nightstand.

Every day it’s the same routine. I get up between 10am and 1pm each morning and turn on the TV Henry put in my room. I stay in bed and watch TV until 3pm, when Henry comes home. Henry undresses and climbs into bed with me and we watch TV some more until 5pm. Then I get out of bed, get dressed and go watch TV in the living room while Henry cooks dinner.

Now here comes the part where I pay the rent. I strip down to my underwear and dance around the kitchen while Henry claps his hands and begs for more. He has me climbing the counters and appliances like, as Henry describes it, “a pretty monkey.” After the dance is over, Henry rewards me with a meal. After dinner, I get dressed and go to my room and watch TV. Sometimes Henry checks out a movie on his way home and he watches it with me.

That’s all I can do anymore. I don’t have a car or a bike since Henry made me sell them. In fact, he had me sell my bed, my furniture and everything in my apartment. I moved out of my apartment and into Henry’s house, much to the dismay of my parents. In fact, they won’t even talk to me anymore. Fine. Jealous bastards.

But they do have a point. Living with Henry is scary. I don’t want him reading this, but sometimes Henry acts like he’s about to die sometimes. Sometimes he hyperventilates and sometimes he gags unexpectedly.

But Henry tries to change my mind with his feats of strength. He runs around the house and lifts one end of the sofa to prove how strong he is. But Henry has yet to explain why he occasionally walks around the house at 3am, carrying a gun and talking loudly to himself. Occasionally he comes in my room in the middle of the night to scream and fire his gun and chase something around my room, knocking over furniture and throwing my things around the room.

Still other incidents saw Henry going into the bathroom and making loud, gagging noises. Sometimes he screams. These incidents have shaken me so much that I have not been able to sleep for several nights.

Yet, I cannot leave Henry’s house. I have no car, no wallet and no money. Henry leaves me with nothing to wear but a pair of shorts, a T-shirt and some underpants. Before he leaves for work, he locks me in my room. I feel like a prisoner. There is no sense escaping from Henry. He has the house locked and alarmed. I am not allowed to use the phone to call for help. Henry is a monster.

Oh, SHIT!

Henry’s home!

I just heard the front door slam shut. Henry always does that to wake me up. Oh, there he goes.

“Hello, pretty boy!” Henry just screamed. “Is door unlock after I taked da shit. Henry going da takeda shit.”

Great, When Henry says that, he will be in the bathroom for the next three hours. Hell, he’s even got a TV and telephone in there.

Oh great. I just heard Henry screaming. He’s wheezing, coughing and gagging. That really scares me. Is Henry okay?

Now what? I just heard a door slam open. Henry done so soon? Oh – I forgot. He’s checking for toilet paper, which he’s been out of for 25 years. Now he’s going to use his hands. Disgusting, and he’s going to smell like shit for the rest of the evening.

YIPES! Now I hear the deadbolt on my door unlock. Henry’s coming! Yes, he’s opening the door right now and he’s coming in, stark naked and smelling like shit. I hate it when he’s in the mood to come in naked. I better stop writing this before he

Indefinite suspension, Part 2.

Candace then went to work, tearing furiously at the mess I made. I walked back to the office, grabbed some charges and went back to my desk. Sonny was at his desk, chortling at me. “Mike D on thin ice!” he shouted. “And you know how fast ice melts in Florida!”

John, also at his desk, laughed out loud. “Yeah, Mike, hope you know how to swim.” Sonny laughed at that.

Sitting at my desk, I fired up Netscape one more time for a return trip to the gruesome pics site. Just when I was ready to resume my journey through the gallery of messy suicides, I was am arm reach down to my computer’s power switch to turn it off. Candace was back. “Mike, please take your charges and go to the other side. This isn’t your workstation anymore.”

Feeling extremely shocked, I slowly walked to the other side of the office and proceeded to start keying the charges. Candace was keeping an eye on me from her office. I was slowly keying away, worried sick about what was to happen. Candace then ordered Sonny to re-format the hard drive on my computer, re-install Windows on it and remove my account on the network. I was in deep, deep trouble.

Then Candace got up and left the office. I turned around to the computer with Internet Explorer on it and fired it up. I had to go back to the gruesome pictures site. I had browsed through half the images in the messy suicides gallery when Candace came back and caught me.

“DAMMIT, MIKE!” she screamed and ran to the computer I was surfing on to turn it off. Sonny whistled in amazement. “What is your problem, Mike? Do you have a learning problem? When I say stay off the Internet, God dammit, you stay off! Shit, are you RETARDED?”

I could only shake my head in extreme shock.

“Mike, you key charges and you do NOTHING but key! If I see you turn that computer on, I will cut your hands off!”

I was shocked extremely senseless. I was sweating and breathing hard and tried to key. Candace got up and left the office and I really wanted to get back on the Web and browse the the gruesome pics gallery. But no, I thought maybe if Candace came back and saw that I di NOT get on the Internet, she would be impressed. So impressed that she may even trust me to be alone.

Then Donald Hutchkiss, the manager of Materials, came in, looking through a catalog. He saw me and asked if Candace was in.

“Is Candace here? I’m trying to decide which monitor to get for the computers in OR.” I was ashamed. Here’s Don, someone who works and not get on the Internet. Everyone else here works and I don’t. I’m just another asshole in a shirt and tie.

“I just need Candace to recommend a monitor for me. I’ll get back with her in the morning.”

Don left, leaving me feeling sad. Everyone else here in the hospital works hard and takes pride in the results. But me, I just play around and piss Candace off. I feel like I’m the least productive employee in the office. When I’m not in the office playing on the Net, I hide in the closet, leaving fucking messages to myself. Everyone else works and I just goof off. Leaving stupid messages on my answering machine.

Then Candace came back to babysit me.

“How many charges did you key?” she asked.

Putting on my retard act, I said, “Just this one.”

“When you finish that batch, come to my office.”

Something terrible was ahead. I just knew it.

I slowly finished the batch I was “working” on, and went to Candace’s office and sat down.

“Close the door, please.”

When Candace says that, I’m in trouble.

I got up and I moved some chairs out of the way to close the door. I sat down, feeling very, very nervous

“Mike, what you did today has made me feel very, very upset. I thought you would have an attitude to be more committed to serving the hospital and not be committed to surfing the Web for disgusting pictures. When I say for you not to surf the Web, I mean it, you do not even THINK of disobeying me. I don’t get it. When I say for you not to do anything, I don’t understand why you believe it’s okay to do it anyway just because I’m not around. Despite my telling you not to get on the Internet, I have caught you four times. Something really needs to be done to keep this from happening again. Go ahead, Mike, convince me that there are better ways to solve this problem than what’s about to happen.”

i was confused. “What’s about to happen?”

“Here’s hoping you never find out. Go ahead. Tell me how we can work this out. I’ll listen, You do the talking.”

I could only murmur and garble.

“In English, please.”

I was trying very hard to think. I concentrated and thought my brains out but failed. I could only shake my head.

“Fine. Then here’s what’s about to happen. Effective immediately, you are hereby placed on indefinite suspension without pay, and you will not come back until I say you can come back. It may be a week, a month, or a year. I don’t want you coming back here until I say you can. Also, you are demoted from hardware technician to data entry clerk. Your salary has been adjusted to $5.75 an hour and you will work every other day and do nothing but key. You will not have an account on the network and that means you will not have access to e-mail. We will look for someone to take your place for the hardware technician position. Also, we will be setting something up on the computers that will prevent you from ever getting on the Internet again. You have clearly demonstrated to me that you cannot be trusted to work alone and cannot do anything right anymore. Therefore, we must compensate for your lack of intelligence and also your extreme lack of consideration to my rules.

“Is there anything you’d like to straighten me out on before I start you on your next suspension?”

She paused for one second, barely giving me any time to think.

“Fine. Mike, please clock out and go home. When I call you back. I want you to come back with a new attitude and I want you ready to get back to work. For the time being, please leave and stay off the premises. I don’t want to see you anymore!”

I slowly rose to my feet and opened the door to Candace’s office. I walked out of the office, ignoring everyone as I walked past. Everyone in the office seemed to know what had just happened.

I walked to the time clock and badged out. I clocked out at 2:30pm. I drove home, feeling extremely depressed. It sure was a long drive. I cursed everything that came in my way, but what the hell. In my years on this planet, I had de-evolved from a human being into something far more disgusting that could not be found anywhere in the gruesome pics site.