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The following narrative came to me in a dream, including the title. Strangely enough, the narrative makes no mention of the famed movie monster, but instead goes directly to a battlefield where an epic war is about to take place. I spiced it up with additional details to (hopefully) add that unmistakable Pythonesque humor.

So what happened next? Well, I’ll tell you.

The two armies set out under cover of darkness of the night, determined to catch the other side by surprise.

But there was one little detail that neither side had planned on. As they progressed in their campaigns, a thick fog settled throughout the land, a fog so thick that neither side could see where they were going. Still, they carried on, determined to ensure victory would be theirs.

Then it happened. There came coconut sounds as the heads of opposing soldiers collided as the two armies unwittingly ran into each other. Then came the sounds of armor crashing to the ground as the soldiers collapsed in their newly aquired states of unconsciousness.

However, the remaining soldiers in both armies decided to pursue victory by ambushing the other side and the two armies ran at full speed. Unfortunately, they ran off in opposite directions with victory forever eluding their grasp.

The leaders were furious and embarrassed, although some historians claim they were more embarrassed than furious, while other scholars insist they were more furious than embarrassed, but a third group of equally intelligent people claim to have a theory that supports that the leaders were equally embarrassed and furious. Anyway you look at it, none of the leaders were happy.

However, the two leaders went to great lengths to ensure this battle would never get recorded in the history books and insisted that no one write about it. One scribe recorded the details of the battle in the meeting notes anyway and was promptly guillotined on the spot.

It was an otherwise quiet morning at Albeitsuns when a masked gunman hoisting a machine gun stormed into the store and screamed, “EVERYBODY DOWN OR EVERYBODY DIE!”

Mr. Yoger, the store manager was standing nearby supervising the front checkouts when he suddenly recognized the gunman’s voice.

“Hector?” Mr. Yoger asked calmly.

“‘Sup Mr. Yoger,” Hector pointed his gun at Mr. Yoger’s face.

“So there isn’t any other way to settle this?” Mr. Yoger asked calmly. He was not in the least alarmed or concerned about this potentially deadly situation. His two tours in Vietnam certainly taught him well.

“What do you think?” Hector snapped. “You store managers with your 150 million dollar salaries taking away our pay so you can live it up while the rest of us go down!”

“150 million dollar salary for being a store manager?” Mr. Yoger chuckled. “Where’d you hear that?”

“Where else?” Hector replied. “Through the grapevine.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t poison ivy?”

“Look man,” Hector snapped as he shook his gun, “you had no call to fire me last week.”

“You forget why I fired you,” Mr. Yoger explained, “I caught you and the other stock clerks gambling in the stairwell.”

“We was helping each other out, man!” Hector shouted. “None of us can afford to pay the bills no more! I lost my car and I’m fallin’ behind on my rent! I’m broke, man!”

“Yet you were somehow able to afford a machine gun,” Mr. Yoger observed.

“You really gettin’ on my nerves, man!” Hector yelled as he pointed the gun at Mr. Yoger’s nose.

“Um, Hector, can I show you something? It’s at the service desk.” Mr. Yoger motioned towards the service desk in the background. “Give me a minute and I’ll get it for you.”

“45 seconds!” Hector cried.

“Fine, make it 30 if you’re that impatient.”

Mr. Yoger nonchalantly strolled to the service desk and had the clerk retrieve something from under the counter before he returned with what appeared to be a thick stack of envelopes.

“Do you know what these are, Hector?” Mr. Yoger asked. “These are your paychecks which you never picked up. They’ve been at the service desk all this time. But did you ever bother to pick them up? No, you found it easier to go without your pay so you could resort to gambling in the stairwell!”

Hector was trembling with rage and made one last futile effort to calm down.

“AAAAAARRGGGGHHHHH!” Hector screamed while raising his gun and pulling the trigger.

Rat-tat-rat-tat-tat-tat.

An eerie silence followed. Both Hector and Mr. Yoger stared at each other in what felt like an eternity.

“You got that gun from the toy aisle, didn’t you.” observed Mr. Yoger.

“Awww, spill the ketchup and play dead already! I’m outta here!” Hector screamed before running out of the store, where the police were waiting to take him into custody. Everyone was left standing still in an awkward silence, not sure how to make of the bizarre scene just concluded.

“Well, that was interesting,” Mr. Yoger sighed before eyeing the checkouts. Customers and cashiers alike were standing there with their mouths open. “All right, let’s look alive! Back to work!”

And the checkouts slowly churned back to life under Mr. Yoger’s watchful eye.

Finally, it was over.

After a week of seeking shelter in my bathroom and enduring what felt like an eternity of feeling the house shake, rattle and roll due to unprecedented strong winds of a very rare combination tornado, typhoon and hurricane all rolled up in one devastating storm packing winds in excess of 500 miles per hour. I was amazed my house made it through in one piece. Is there anything duct tape can’t do?

I cautiously emerged from the bathroom and surveyed the interior of my house. So far, so good. Time to look around outside. As I walked through my kitchen I noticed something strange.

The sun was shining through the kitchen window, leaving a glowing beam across the floor.

Funny, the sun never shone through my kitchen window before. Unless it now rises in the north and sets in the south.

This thought kept my mind occupied as I took the remaining steps to the front door, and as soon as I opened it for a look around my neighborhood, my mouth dropped to the floor at the sight I saw.

The street that ran past my house was gone. So were the trees that stood in my front yard. Some of the houses in my neighborhood were gone but others seemed strangely out of place, standing in an uneven formation that would have required an extremely crooked street that zigzagged through the neighborhood. Then came the strangest sight of all.

In the distance was a vast body of water instead of the additional houses I was used to seeing. Were they all swept away by the storm? Was the storm surge that bad? And why did I keep getting that feeling I wasn’t anywhere near my hometown? The questions just kept on coming.

Then I thought of my family, especially my parents who lived farther north along the coast. I felt a surge of urgency to check on them, so I quickly ran for my house and found my phone.

However, when I dialed my parents’ phone number, my call was answered by someone else.

“I’m sorry, your current phone plan does not allow calls outside your designated calling zone.” said the voice.

“Excuse me, my phone plan allows for calls to all of South Florida. What do you mean I’m outside my calling zone?” I snapped.

“Just what I said, sir,” the voice replied. “Either move back to your calling zone or upgrade your plan.”

“Exactly where am I, anyway?” I asked.

“You don’t know? You’re in Cedar Key.”

“WHAT?”

It took a long time to digest the fact that the storm had pushed my house 247 miles north.

How to get it back to its original spot, I have no idea.

Eth had to pinch himself. He was only eight years old and already on trial for espionage. Even worse, his father was the judge and showed no sympathy for his son’s predicament. Something wasn’t right here.

“Court is now in session,” the judge announced, banging his gavel. “The trial against Eth Passin will now commence. He stands accused of spying for the enemy. Will the accused please step forward to testify?”

Eth slowly rose from his seat and somberly walked to the witness stand amid hostile stares from around the courtroom. He didn’t pay much attention to them, for his mind was at work, busily assembling pieces of the puzzle with the final picture ever slowly bringing itself into focus.

After Eth took his seat in the witness stand, the prosecutor began grilling Eth with intimidating questions. “Why did you choose to spy for the enemy?” he shouted in anger.

“But I didn’t,” Eth muttered. “I wanted to go to Busse and visit my dad. After I crossed the border I came to a clearing where I saw the Bussian soldiers talking loudly of their secret plans to invade Sulkana. I wasn’t allowed to speak with the Sulkanian military so I had to take matters into my own hands.”

“Why aren’t you allowed to speak with the Sulkanian military?” the prosecutor asked.

“Because the last time I did, the Bussian troops snuck past the border while I was talking to the commanders. I think that was part of the Bussians’ plan, to have me distract the commanders this way.” Eth sighed with embarrassment. “But at least this time I was able to fight the enemy all by myself.”

“You fought the enemy by yourself? How?” the prosecutor asked in disbelief.

“I ate vanilla beans, which makes my body grow one hundred times bigger, so I was able to scare the troops away.”

After the laughter in the courtroom had faded, the prosecutor continued, “You stated earlier that you crossed into Busse to visit your dad. Why did your dad choose not to come home to Sulkana to be with you?”

“He said he couldn’t bring himself to come home after killing some enemy soldiers in self-defense. He even got a medal of bravery.” Eth testified. Turning to the judge, he said, “Hey Daddy, you never did show me your medal. Didn’t you…”

The last piece of the puzzle snapped in place to present Eth a startling revelation.

“You didn’t kill the Bussian soliders, did you. You killed the Sulkanians.” Eth whispered. “You went to fight for the opposite side. After the war you chose to live in Busse, away from me and Mom.”

“Excuse me,” snapped the judge, “I believe you’re the one on trial, not me.”

Eth ignored him. “You made every attempt to stay away from us. When Mom tried writing you, you wrote back threats and insults to try and scare her into leaving you alone. No wonder she’s so scared to get the mail.”

“Order in the court!” the judge yelled over Eth as he pounded the gavel repeatedly until it broke.

“You didn’t want anything to do with us and sought to rid yourself of us. That would mean…” Eth started before he gasped. “You arranged this, didn’t you. You purposely had those soldiers in the clearing to fool me into thinking that Busse would invade us. You knew I would be near the border to fight the troops so you could later frame me later for espionage!”

“ENOUGH!” the judge screamed as he pointed the broken gavel at Eth. “The court finds you guilty of espionage and sentences you to death by firing squad at dawn!”

“Good, then I’ll go to Heaven and see my real dad,” Eth retorted defiantly as he was handcuffed and led out of the courtroom.

News of Eth’s conviction and pending execution spread like wildfire across Sulkana as the military personnel prepared for a rescue mission.

“I can’t believe that monster,” Sulkanan High Commander Keane snarled as he chomped on his cigar. “That judge, sentencing his only son to death. Not gonna happen on my watch. Okay boys, let’s go bring him home.”

An extremely rare mega typhoon plowed through Bonzi World and completely destroyed everything on the man-made island, including the amusement park, shopping center and the 79-story Bonzi Tower.

European Weather Service satellite images show that Typhoon Gustavo and Typhoon Henri were both on such identical paths that the two storms merged into a devastating mega typhoon that was more than twice the size of the island and packed winds in excess of 200 miles per hour. So devastating was the storm that it left behind absolutely nothing in its wake.

However, Bonzi World owner and CEO of Bonzi Enterprises Jim Bonzi was quick to dismiss the news of Bonzi World’s demise despite photographs of the storm’s damage along the nearby coastal region of Ochoro. He made the following announcement on Purpel, his social media network:

Beautiful day here at Bonzi World yet the FAKE WEATHER MEDIA wants you to think my island was destroyed by a typhoon? Sad!

Response to Bonzi’s announcement was swift and damning. A sampling of some of the replies:

Dude, your island is GONE. (that’s GONE, as in NOTHING THERE, in case you haven’t figured it out yet.)

Fake weather media? Does that mean there’s no blizzard advisory for South Florida?

Pay no attention to him. He’s been hallucinating after having been smacked in the face from a flying palm tree.

Romping through the Bermuda Triangle again, are we?

Is there harp music playing where you’re at as well?

Attempts were made to reach Jim Bonzi but he remains notoriously difficult to reach for comment. His staff issued a statement indicating their support for Bonzi’s claims although they hinted those claims might be fruitless.

Kevin slowly opened his eyes and found himself lying on the floor in a brightly lit but empty room. His senses were struggling to assess the surroundings after what felt like a drug-induced bout of unconsciousness. Or was it?

“Have a nice nap?” a deep voice from nowhere rang out.

Slowly Kevin regained control of his consciousness and became aware of his location. Then his mood changed from confusion to that of annoyance as he realized where he was.

The mysterious office suite underground beneath the hospital where Kevin worked.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” emanated the voice from a speaker on the wall.

Kevin was confused. “What do you mean?”

“You have a crew working throughout your hospital.”

“Oh yeah,” Kevin smiled. “We’re upgrading our network.”

“You are?” the voice sounded shocked. “Why?”

“Well, we’ve been behind the times for a little too long, so it’s definitely time to upgrade the network to something faster and more reliable.”

“We had an agreement, remember?”

There was a long, uncomfortable silence as Kevin struggled to recall just what that agreement was.

“You agreed to never upgrade your network no matter how tempting the newer technology it may be. Does that ring a bell?”

“Oh, right,” Kevin nodded as he remembered that vaguely worded agreement. “But I hadn’t heard from you for a while, so I figured you didn’t need our network anymore.”

“We’ll always need your network!” The voice shouted. “Our work is neverending and our mission will continue indefinitely. Don’t you realize that this is a matter of national security? Of course we need your 100 megabit networking hardware with Cat3 network cables. Our proprietary protocol only works with your antiquated network and for you to upgrade to newer technologies completely defeats the purpose of our mission. You must prevent the upgrade from taking place, or else.”

“Or else what?” Kevin asked, his voice shaking.

“Or else our agreement will be terminated along with yourself.”

Suddenly there was a loud buzzing sound from the speaker that jolted Kevin awake. After quickly examining his surroundings, he realized he was in his office in the Information Systems department of the hospital where he worked. He had been sleeping at his desk and had a most peculiar dream.

Or was it a dream?

Kevin stood up and opened the door to his office. He could hear the excited chatter of the department’s employees as they clearly looked forward to having a faster, better network. One of the employees saw Kevin and smiled.

“Great news, Kevin!” Robert said. “We’re set to switch the first floor to the new network tonight and if all goes well, we can start dismantling the old network tomorrow. Does that sound good or what?”

Kevin didn’t hear a word of what Robert said. In his mind he was struggling to assess his situation and how to resolve it.

They’ll kill me if we go forward with the new network. How do I stop this?

Or was this all just a dream?

What should I do?