British humor is different.

September 29, 2016

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is… ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..


TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.


PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

The Light Between The Ears, Part 2.

September 26, 2016

The seaside town of Fartle Bay was founded in the year 1717 by Dalus Strallger, who had a deep love of the sea. He was legendary for his love of the Moon, but unbeknownst to the residents of Fartle Bay, he also had a desire to be the first man to set foot there.

So Strallger set to work on designing a means of flying to the Moon, building and testing countless designs before arriving at the one design he knew would work. The problem was keeping it a secret from residents, so he disguised his rocket ship as a fully functioning lighthouse. Unfortunately, Dalus died before he could make his historic flight.

Determined to continue the secrecy, Dalus’s widow Camryn hid the designs for the rocket ship along with his diary under the floor of the attic, where they remained undiscovered for the next 200 years until a young Stephan found them while playing in the attic. Upon reading the diary and studying the plans, he became so excited that he showed them to his parents. His father became furious as Stephan was not to learn these secrets until his retirement from service. As punishment, Stephan was no longer next in line to operate the lighthouse after his father; instead, Matthias was hired, thus breaking a long-running tradition of a Strallger family member running the lighthouse.

As Stephan finished his story, Matthias was nodding. “Now it all makes sense,” Matthias said. “Now I know why you treat me this way. But this is not all my fault.”

“It IS your fault!” Stephan roared, producing a pistol. “You came and took my job!”

“Well, this job would have been yours had you stayed out of the attic in the first place.” Matthias replied, not realizing he had spoken his last words.

Stephan became furious and fired the pistol. Immediately Matthias collapsed on the floor in a lifeless heap.

Stephan turned away from the body and looked out the window. The ship was now leaving Earth and entering the darkened region of space.

Stephan grinned. “I am now the first man in space. And soon I shall be the first man on the Moon!”

To be continued…

Did you have a good day?

September 26, 2016

Did you have a good day?
Let us find out.
Did you have a mishap
With mighty machinery
And accidentally sliced someone in half?
If not,
You had a very good day.
(With apologies to Bob
Along with best wishes
For a speedy recovery,
Both of you.)

A Noncatastrophic Nondisaster.

September 24, 2016

I pondered my predicament
As I surveyed the English muffin
Stuck in the toaster
I opted for the last resort
And stuck a wooden spoon
Into the slots
While fearing the worst
Alas
I did not get a shock
Nor was there an explosion
Nor was there a fire
The power did not go out
Nor did my house blow up
And neither did the entire neighborhood
No, I retrieved my English muffin
And finished my breakfast
And survived a noncatastrophic nondisaster

The Light Between The Ears.

September 23, 2016

My spoof of The Light Between Oceans:

Matthias listened intently. The footsteps were getting louder as the intruder climbed the spiral staircase leading to the top of the lighthouse. Louder and louder the footsteps became until the intruder was just outside the door to the room where Matthias was working. Then there was silence.

Suddenly the silence was shattered by loud knocking. Matthias rose to his feet and approached the door, unlocking it, slowly pulling it open, and then gazing into the darkness.

Then a pair of hands lunged out of the darkness, grabbing Matthias’s neck as the intruder barged into the room, fully intent on strangling his victim. After a brief struggle, Matthias dropped to the floor, gasping.

“Did I kill you yet?” Stephan asked.

“No, not yet,” Matthias replied as he sat up while rubbing his neck.

“This lighthouse has been in continuous operation ever since it was first built 200 years ago,” Stephan began as he paced around the room, “The one who ran it was always someone in my family. My father ran it, my grandfather ran it, my great-grandfather ran it, and so on down the line. But when it came my turn to run it, my father instead decided to hire some outside help, specifically, YOU!”

Matthias gulped as Stephan cast a menacing sneer.

“Why, may you ask?” Stephan continued. “Because I am forbidden from entering this lighthouse. Why, may you ask? Because I happened to uncover its closely guarded secret, one kept hidden for generations until now.” Stephan began to smile. “And would you like to know what that secret is?”

Matthias nodded weakly. Stephan leaned closer and spoke in a low voice. “This lighthouse,” he started, “is not real.”

Then Stephan walked to the other side of the room and removed a picture of a sailboat from the wall, uncovering a hidden panel. Opening the panel revealed three levers. He grabbed the first one and pulled on it, causing a faint rumbling noise. Stephan chuckled at Matthias’s confused reaction as he pulled on the second lever. The rumbling became even louder as the lighthouse began to tremble. The third lever was pulled and the lighthouse began to ascend.

“Yes, this lighthouse,” Stephan yelled above the commotion, “is a ROCKET SHIP!”

To be continued…

He didn’t get the job.

September 21, 2016

“I didn’t get the job I interviewed for,” Steve sighed. “See, I KNEW the management would take into consideration that incident where I demolished aisle 48!”

“But your store doesn’t even have an aisle 48,” Harry replied.

“Not anymore it doesn’t!”

At the war room.

September 21, 2016

“How are things going?” the general huffed as he entered the war room.

“Not too good, sir,” replied one of the officials. “The enemy just launched a surprise attack and took back all our thermal reinforcements.”

“Not again!” barked the general. “Launch a counter offensive and recover them quickly before the surface temperature falls too low!”

The orders were issued and the war room fell silent as everyone eagerly awaited for the outcome. Then the phone rang.

“General Fallure here,” the general answered before listening intently. Then his face became distorted with rage. “What do you mean, it didn’t work! I want those thermal reinforcements back! Get our men back out there and don’t let them stop until we win!”

“Um, sir,” one of the officials spoke up, “I’m not sure that’s such a wise course of action.”

“What do you mean?” the general shouted.

“For us to escalate our efforts now will only result in hostilities in the morning. Have you forgotten this so-called enemy is really our closest ally?”

The general fell silent. He knew the official was right. Picking up the phone, he ordered, “Cancel the offensive. We’ll leave things the way they are.”

And so the husband lay shivering through the night as his wife wrapped herself up snugly with a blanket large enough for two.

A game of Panic.

September 19, 2016

Programmer X was the pseudonym of an unknown video game programmer who authored the single scariest game for the Nintendo Entertainment System, a game known simply as Panic. It used simple graphics and sound effects to induce extreme feelings of panic in anyone who played it. Programmer X tried selling his game to Nintendo but was turned down flat after game testers suffered nervous breakdowns from playing Panic. Feeling dejected, Programmer X placed the few existing Panic game cartridges in a cardboard box, left the box in the middle of a field, walked away and was never seen again.

Ian carried the cardboard box into his room, still not believing it was just sitting there in the field. Even more unbelievable was the box’s contents. Game cartridges for the very video game system he still had? He couldn’t believe his luck.

Ian picked up one of the cartridges for a closer look. Hand written in black marker on the front side was the word “PANIC”. Curious, he inserted the cartridge into his Nintendo system and switched it on. The words “PANIC – PRESS START TO BEGIN” appeared on the screen.

Wait a minute. Was there a manual with this game? Ian quickly checked the box and saw only two other game catridges also labeled “PANIC” but no manual. He would have to figure the game out for himself.

Ian pressed the Start button on his controller and saw a small white square in the middle of the screen. He pressed the different buttons on the controller but nothing happened.

Then Ian became curious if this game had any sound. After adjusting the volume on the TV, he began to hear a soft humming. He sat there silently, unsure of what to make of all this. Suddenly he began screaming hysterically and couldn’t stop…

The House of Unspeakable Horror.

September 18, 2016

The house ahead
May look cozy
On the outside
But beware
On the inside
Lurks unspeakable horror
Igniting your deepest fears
And sculpting your nightmares
To terrifying form
For you see
The air conditioning broke
And if that isn’t scary enough
There’s no Wi-Fi
So listen if you will
To the shrill diabolical laughter
From the house ahead

Typinh a poem om my pjone’s timy kruboatd.

September 16, 2016

Ah, the snart phone
A marvrl of moden trvhnology
But with one small probelm
Tjis teeny tiny onsxreen keybiard
Wuth keys smaller
Thsm my fibgrrtips
But othrt thsn that
I lovr my phone
I cab broese the web
Anf get the westher report
Anf stream online rafio
Amd oh yesh
Type sone grest poetry
On a teeny tiny omdcreen kaynoard
With krys smaller
Tham my fibgertips